Uses for Metal Music

     You say, "What is Metal good for?"  Well, look no further my friends,
your prayers have been answered.  Besides being the number one producer of
headaches, ANUS members have found additional uses for the glorious sound of
metal.
     First of all, metal makes for excellent music on stealing excursions
such as blinkie runs.  It enlivens one's spirit, improves his/her's reflexes,
and increases adrenalin flow.  Nothing is better for the avid thief than a
little "Master of Puppets" or "Last Caress".  Hell, even "Highway to Hell"
will do.  The beat is very important.  The more risky the job, the faster the
beat.  Blinkie running requires music in the caliber of "Metal" or
"Hard Rock".  Examples are AC/DC and Dangerous Toys.  Jobs such as Police car
stealing or bank robberies require something violent and FAST.  I suggest
German speed-metal such as Bathory and Sodom.  It becomes evident that the
optimum beat required is directly proportional to the heinous deed about to be
undertaken.
     If your school has a room set aside for seniors only, like mine, replace
the crap new wave they usually play with a little "Anthrax." Speed metal has
the ability to make EVERYBODY pissed off and angry at each other [not to
mention make some people uncontrollably bang their heads].  Stupid, but neat.
     Metal is also useful for pissing off parents.  Gawd, parents like mine
would freak at the slightest hint of distortion in music, which explains their
extensive collection of Barry Manilow.  Mine would say "Oh, my god, that music
is sooooo evil!"  Unless your parents were raised in Hell, they will most likely
object harshly.  So, the next time momsie and popsie refuse to let you out of
the house at 3AM, turn on your stereo to full while playing "Bodily
Dismemberment" by Rigor Mortis.  THAT should keep them up for a while!
     Metal also makes for excellent discussion during dinner-time.  This is
especially true if you have a sister.  During din-din, excuse thyself from the
table and pop in "Pre-menstrual Princess Blues" by S.O.D. and examine the
forming expression on sis's face.  This will probably follow with some lengthy
discussion on AIDS and abortion by mom.  "Now Melissa, I don't want you to get
knocked up by some horny senior and have to get an abortion.  I don't want you
to get A.I.D.S. either!"  "But Mom!  I can't help it!"  This will probably
embarrass your sister till she bursts.
     Another use for Metal is for the quick writing of college essays.  This
is especially useful if you are a chronic procrastinator like myself.  I will
usually pop Rigor Mortis into the CD player and proceed to write my essay.  In
addition to producing essays studded with allusions to death and Satan, Metal
insures that that essay will make it on time.  If you are the type that writes
essays well in advance, all I have to say to you is "Fuck you, it's magic!"
     Fuck, more uses...  Aha!  Sex!  Pressed for time?  Well, nothing speeds
sex up more than a little Nuclear Assault.  Just remember to pull it out
before, well, you know!
     Yes, I admit, I was bored.  Please excuse the uselessness of this file.
Fuck you, Merry Christmas!

-Cd


Chris, please correct my grammar.