=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= body image ---------- I think I am fat. Everyone who knows me insists that this is not the case, that I 'look fine'. I am 5'2" and I weigh 128 lbs. I have 9% body fat, which, to the uninformed, means that I am more muscular than most women in the United States. I eat 800 calories or less per day. I think about every morsel that enters my mouth and imagine the fat growing on my hips and thighs. I know how many calories are in a postage stamp. I am anorexic with bulimic tendencies, and have been since I was 12 years old. I am 22 now. When an anorexic looks in a mirror, she does not see what is there. When my ribs were poking out and I could see the outlines of my intestines on my tummy, I would pinch the skin on my inner thigh and resolve to eat less and work out more. I needed to get rid of the fat. It doesn't matter what you say to an anorexic. She will always think she is fat, and she always will. Most of my friends assume that I am healthy now, simply because I don't look anorexic. This is not the case. If I eat a piece of pizza, I starve myself for the next 2 days in an effort to undo the damage. On Saturdays, when I go out drinking, I do not eat because I know I will be consuming too many calories with the alcohol. On Sundays I eat a single cup of plain white rice just to stay the hunger pangs, and I hate myself for eating even that much. Despite my efforts, I cannot seem to lose weight. This is because my body thinks correctly that it is being starved, and it stores fat and calories in case it needs to use them for energy later on. You are probably wondering why I continue to follow this vicious cycle when I obviously know so much about it. The answer is simple. It doesn't matter what my brain knows or what my friends say. The only thing that matters is that I think that I am fat, and that I will use every last ounce of willpower I have to control my body. Anorexia is about a lot of things. Control, perfectionism, low self esteem, negative experiences with respect to food, sexual abuse. The list goes on and on. But the ultimate judge for an anorexic is that mirror. Studies have shown that women with eating disorders overestimate their weight by as much as 20% when looking in a mirror. I look at women in the street and think 'I am about the same size as she is.' My friends look at me like I am insane. I simply have no concept of what I really look like, and I doubt that I ever will. One of the biggest problems with having an eating disorder is the effect it has on other people around you, particularly close relationships like family and lovers. It simply drives them insane to watch you order diet coke in a restaurant and no food, to see you cry about your weight, to constantly have to reassure you that you are not fat. If you love someone with an eating disorder, there is simply no way to please her. The best advice I can give is to be supportive. Don't try to convince her that she is not fat, don't ask her to eat more (or less), and definitely avoid comparing her to other people. Other than that, go with the flow and try not to let it affect you. It is not your problem, it is hers. Anorexia is a disease that never totally vanishes. Once you have it, it stays with you forever to some degree. I think anorexia is tougher to deal with than drug addiction, because we need food to survive. You must face the disorder every single time you eat, and there is no way to avoid the struggle. Let's face it - even though your body becomes physically addicted to cocaine, once you get over the need, you never have to touch cocaine again. You don't need cocaine to live, even though you might think you do. You need food to live, and anorexics simply don't care what kind of damage they do to their bodies in their efforts to make themselves invisible. Every bite is an ton of guilt and an imagines pound of fat, and there is no way around it. As for me... Well, I know that I am sick, which is a step in the right direction. I got past my dangerous phase, which is even better. I have smashed my full-length mirror and I shower with my eyes closed. I weigh myself 3 times a year or less. But I think about it every single day. And not a moment goes by where I don't wish that I was thinner. Right now my eating disorder is in full force due to various stresses in my life... If I keep going the way that I am I expect to be at 100 lbs even within 3 months. That is my secret little goal, and I know it is sick, but I can't help it. None of us can. demonika =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". 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