___ ___ ___ /\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy \:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you \:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #172 ___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_ /\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "The Three Little Wolves \:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / and the Big Bad Pig" << \::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n \:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t by -> File13 \:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r \/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y -- oink you, pal. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you remember the three little pigs and the big, bad wolf? What the big bad wolf didn't know is that those pigs were babies. They have a big, bad cousin. After the wolf incident (he actually ate two of the pigs), the one pig left phoned his carnivorous cousin to back him up. They did all of this in secret so as not to lead the wolves into suspicion. And this is where the story starts. The three little wolves lived in small houses on the other side of the forest from the pigs. The one remaining pig, and the Big Bad Pig (he likes to be called B. B. P.) monitored the wolves. They noticed that the wolves weren't very bright. The wolves were born and raised stupid. They were always building new houses, because every time they cooked they burned down their houses. Their houses weren't exactly top-notch, either. The first wolf was the stupidest. He built his house out of cards. His name was Sigmund. The next wolf was a little (and when I say little, i mean *LITTLE*) bit smarter than Sigmund. His name was Ralph. He was at the supermarket and he saw that staples and paper were on sale, so he bought five dozen packs of each. He made a house out of it. The last wolf was the best with common sense, but if you met him, you would think he's a little off his rocker. He had an imaginary friend named Pepe, and he called everyone Steve. He seemed the smartest because he made his house out of cardboard. His name was Calvin. From what I've told you, you can understand that the pig was pretty confident about getting back at the wolves, so he went into it without a plan, not thinking of his one weakness. When BBP got there, their houses were on fire (from their cooking, as usual). He knew that if he got even close to the fire, he would be bacon. He had to make a plan now. He watched the wolves everyday to monitor what they were doing. Sigmund usually ate grass in the morning, picked his nose most of the afternoon, and counted the cards on his house at night. The house always had the same number of cards, but he counted them anyway. Ralph mostly sold rootbeer all day (but he thought it was real beer). He sold only to his brothers even though he was open to everyone. He thought he didn't have enough advertising, so he put up more signs. The only problem is that he put up all the signs in his house, so no one ever knew he was selling anything. Calvin had a little bit different day from the other wolves. First thing in the morning he gave Pepe a pep talk for the day, because according to Calvin, Pepe had emotional problems. He then headed to his winery to make wine from celery. He could never make any wine, but he tried every day. He mostly just ate the celery and drank pure alcohol. BBP planned to go at night while Sigmund was counting the cards on his house; Calvin was probably intoxicated, and Ralph was sitting at his root "beir" bar. This way he could easily find all the wolves. He couldn't figure out who to eat first. sigmund would probably be the easiest since all he was doing was counting cards outside. BBP snuck up behind him and yelled, "BOO!" Sigmund pissed in his pants. BBP didn't want to eat something that tasted like urine, so he made Sigmund take a bath while he went over to Calvin's. When he got to Calvin's house, Calvin had a BAC of 0.2. BBP was about the devour him when Calvin said, "why don't we go over to Ralph's and drink some rootbeer?" "Rootbeer," thought BBP. "My one weakness." They headed over to Ralph's house, only to find Sigmund pacing in front muttering someting about "Big Bad Pig, Big Bad Pig." Calvin convinced Sigmund that BBP wasn't going to eat him, and they went inside. Ralph was thrilled to have a new customer. The four of them talked and soon became good friends. They decided to get together every afternoon to drink rootbeer and watch TV. The little remaining pig called BBP every day to see if he had completed the task. BBP had to lied to him every day and say that he was still plotting and making plans. One day when BBP was with the wolves, they were eating something. BBP asked, "What are you eating?" Calvin replied, "Nothing, are we, Ralph?" Ralph said, "No, nothing, are we, Sigmund?" Sigmund just muttered, "Pork rinds, yeah, yeah, pork rinds, yummy." BBP went crazy. He ate all three wolves and lived happily ever after. The moral of the story is: Don't eat pork rinds in front of a carnivorous pig. The End. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- * (c) HoE publications. HoE #172 -- written by File13 -- 12/30/97 *