'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
  ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #277 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Drunk at 3AM"                           !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl                          !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98                                  !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        i am sitting here, drunk off my ass, at 3am.

        no particular reason, of course.

        it's been such a fascinating day. i went to work, i came home,
 i went back to work, i came home (again, twice in one day even!) and
 decided... i worked twice in one day. time to get drunk.

        but don't get me wrong here. i'm not going to sit here and say,
 "hey look, i went to work twice today, therefore it's OK for me to get
 drunk!" because... that's not true. and i'm not going to say "hey, it's
 OK for me to drink alone. not everyone who drinks alone is an alcoholic!"
 because... well, most people just don't drink alone unless their primary
 focus of the day is on the sauce. but that's also not the reason why i'm
 not going to say the aforementioned statement.

        for i am not drinking alone; i am drinking... ONLINE.

        i am enjoying my wine coolers with others via ICQ. i am filling
 out senselessy ridiculous surveys over e-mail and sharing my drunken
 state with my friends. and that's what getting drunk is all about, isn't
 it? getting drunk is about having fun with your friends, being able to
 unwind after a long day, and saying really stupid things. and although
 there really is nobody physically here in my livingroom, next to me on my
 computer, listening to Def Leppard's "Hysteria" with me as it runs
 through its fourth time in Repeat mode, i really do feel like i am
 enjoying the company of others and having a rousing good time. drunk off
 my rocker.

        it's happy times like these in which i feel obligated to share all
 my deepest feelings. i suddenly have no problem telling that annoying
 prick Pat to leave me alone and stop hounding me for cybersex, or
 whatever he wants. Pat's just so annoying, it's nice to just tell him to
 go away and not feel guilty whatsoever. ahhh, no see the beauty here: if
 i were sober, i wouldn't have the heart. i'm too nice when i'm sober.

        of course, when i'm drunk, i can't remember EVERYTHING that pisses
 me off, or who does what when. it's all mixed up right now. so i guess
 you'll have to do it for me:

        Why I Hate You
        ==============

        dammit, it's (insert your name here) again. didn't you get enough
 (insert unspeakable act here) the last time we talked? dammit. you know,
 i've had it with your (insert shenanigans here); how in the FUCK do you
 think i feel? i don't like being treated like (insert any rotten
 inanimate object here) and i don't have to take it anymore. you know
 what? you are so (insert annoying attribute here) and you piss me right
 off. that's right, you heard me. go ahead and (insert emotional
 expression here). see if i care. you can fuck right off if you are so
 inclined! (insert a few colorful expletives here just for the proper
 drunken effect.) and finally, in summation, to close, i hope you go
 (insert horrid death here). YEAH!!!

        of course, tomorrow morning, i'll wake up slightly hazed and
 feeling rather sad upon remembering the previous night and how i so
 gloriously told all my nearest dearest (annoying) friends to piss off.
 and this, of course, breeds the Morning After letter.

        I'm So Very Sorry
        =================

        (insert name here), oh DUUUUDE i was so drunk last night. i'm
 sorry i called you a/an (insert the name of a desert mammal caked in some
 form of excrement here)... you know, it was a long day at work and i just
 unwound a little too much. i didn't mean to insult your (insert
 everything near and dear to your heart here) and i hope you will forgive
 me. wasn't i just gloriously bombed off my ass though? you have to admit.
 when i said that your (insert parental figure here) liked to (insert vile
 zoophiliac act here), wasn't that just SWEET?? i mean, you have to
 appreciate the beauty in that. oh! remember when i said your (insert
 sensitive body part here) was as big/ugly/bizarre as (insert appropriate
 member of the cast of Full House here), i mean, that was
 fantastic. classic.

        what? they didn't like that? who cares! cuz it's NOT THE NEXT
 MORNING. it's still 3am and i'm still drunk. i'm happy, i'm online, and
 Pat's not going to bother me anymore.

 !!========================================================================!!
 !!  (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #277 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 11/9/98  !!