'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
  ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #302 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
  ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Christian 'Science'"                    !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ramsey String                      !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98                                  !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        At first I was going to turn this into an opportunity to mock a 
 lesser writer by directly pilfering an idea from him (HOE #288) -- only
 instead of prodding politicians with sticks and testing chemicals on
 them I was going to do it with prominent Christians.  And then I
 realized that it wouldn't really be any funnier than what he tried to
 write.  Well, it would be *somewhat* funnier for a number of reasons.
 First of all I am a much better writer, and not so cripplingly ugly.
 Secondly, the topic is just funnier.  I mean, let's face it, the mental
 image of Gingrich being poked with a sharp stick isn't *funny* so much
 as it is *scary*.  Gingrich is a ferocious animal.  Whereas the Reverend
 Pat Robertson is a Christian more than a politician (he "runs" for
 office every now and then but is not a politician in the sense there is
 little danger of him winning) and it is funny to think of prodding him
 with a stick or squirting chemicals in his eyes.  Why, if not for his
 dangerously anti-semitic views he would be rather cute and cuddly, and
 it's funny to watch cute, cuddly animals squirm and writhe around.

        But I had this perfectly good title that was a parody of a piece
 I meant to mock, so I thought maybe I would write about actual Christian
 Scientists.  Except I have no idea what they believe, except that I 
 think they seem to be opposed to giving medecine to sick people
 especially children.  Who can make fun of that?  Hell, I think it's one
 of the only sensible doctrines I have heard in years.  Of course you 
 don't give medecine to children--that way you weed out the weak ones who
 will end up cluttering the internet with still more useless homepages 
 dedicated to teen angst and porn.

        So then, I was going to write about Christian scientists--you
 know, scientists who happen to be Christian.  I know there are some--
 they are the guys and gals who run around saying they have scientific
 evidence that the world is only like 500 years old and that the
 dinosaur fossils were planted by satan to confuse us.  Then again,
 honestly, how can I mock Christians for being dogmatic even as
 scientists, when everybody is so fucking dogmatic?  Face it--the best
 known Nobel prize winning Harvard lecturing scientist is a dogmatist.
 Hell, we can't even see subatomic particles, but we believe in them
 because they make the universe make sense.  Sound like any definitions
 of "religion" you might have read on one of those days you hauled your
 body to school to have it satiated with that dreaded "knowledge"?

        All in all, this was a big waste of my time then, trying to
 find something to write, and I think I'm just going to go prod some 
 Christians with sharp sticks in the tradition of zen masters of the 
 past--forsaking the written word for the performed action.

 !!========================================================================!!
 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!  #302, WRITTEN BY: RAMSEY STRING 12/3/98 !!