'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #398 !! #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The HOE Rejects" !! ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !! ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !! !!========================================================================!! Sometimes I'm asked, "do HOE writers *always* know that they must submit quality text files to your publication?" -- the answer, clearly, is no. In fact, as surprising as it might sound, some people *have* forgotten that HOE has standards. Yes, it's true, there are HOE rejects. The following are some of these rejected HOE submissions. Some are quite old, and might even extend into '94. "But Mogel, if you are releasing these files in this issue, doesn't that make them non-rejects, after all?" You catch on quick! !!========================================================================!! "THE JFK IS DEAD FILES!" by Abigwar [11/17/94] I know the secret to the question. The question about everything. The question, about, THE FOUNTAIN OF THE ETERNAL WOMBAT! But that is another story intirely. Ha! So there! Also, i'm privlaged to know the secret in the JFK case. I shot JFK. I admit it. The EoOtKoTwaT (Eternal order Of the Knights of The wombat ancient Tree) has paid me 7 golden wombatian monitary units. Worth about .03 cents. But that was all i needed.. For i was in it for the publicity. After i discovered that it was a crime to use magical bullets in an act of murder, i decided that publicity was not something i should be in surch of at that moment. The most common question that people ask me, is: "Where did you get your magical bullet?" Well, the EoOtKoTwaT had me buy the bullet from their Grey Market dealer. "How much did the bullet cost?" is also asked alot. The bullet costed about 3 golden wombatian monitary units. So after i spent the 3 wombatian coins, it left me with about 4 wombatian coins. Not much money i must admit. This is where Harvey comes into play. I prommised him if he gave me $5 dollars, I would make him famous, and i guarnteed that his name would never be forgot in American history. So i frammed him. I made a grand profit of about $5.01. Now, i am in it for the money, and i'm gonna kill the pr*s*d*nt of the United States of AmeriKa. Hopefully i will make about $7.00 extra this time. And i will get away with it, just like the last time. I also tried to kill Busch. And couldn't get the man to pay me, so i made him famous, and he said he would pay me later. I hear he is in jail, so i may never get my money. I'll be waiting though. Just you wait and see. !!========================================================================!! "Fart" by Visioknight [2/4/95] My Dockers seem to shift in anticipation Of this anal masturbation. >> Oh man, can't make it to the can. Hairy butt cheeks shift in turmoil The mighty sphincter begins to coil. >> The toilet calls, can I make it down the hall? Wisps of methane float up in test Of the forthcoming erupting crest. >> Almost there, are you ready, underwear? A mighty crack and it has begun My walk to the bathroom has become a run. >> The pants go down, I hear a faint sound. A mighty blast from that nether place And a puzzled look goes 'cross my face. For almost as quickly as it had started I had come to shit, but only farted. !!========================================================================!! "Life Sucks" by AlphaBeta [Sometime in 1996.] life sucks. yeah, yeah, we've all heard that. it's a bitch and then you die. general shit like that. but do we care? hell no. we live out our damn existence as a one shot deal and then there is no more. poof. it's gone. depending on what you believe, what happens after that is up to you. so who the fuck am i to be telling you that life sucks? life has pissed so hard on me lately i'm drowning. but yeah, you say, it's happened to me too. so? ever watched as you crumbled, and realized what a fucking pathetic waste of time your life was? ever watched as you found out who your true friends were and weren't, only to find out that you didn't have any true friends? ever realize you're the most socially inept asshole on the planet? i have. life sucks. i'm tired of watching as people decide to piss on me for their own personal gratification. i've watched as three of my best friends in the last week have just totally kicked me around and left me for dead. i have to wonder often just who would show up to my funeral. life is a shitter. it's designed that way. get up, got to work or school, do routine crap, maybe do things with friends, go to bed. that's life for you. i'm so socially inept that i'm going to take a night position at a job. i don't have to worry about going out on nights with friends because i have no fucking friends. who gives a shit? better productive time, right? earn money, get a life. that's what they say. the man with the most money is the best off. who really gives a shit? i'll probably grow up to be some god damn 40 year old guy married (or maybe not at this pace) who spends most of his time at home because there's no one he really knows or cares about. damnit, i don't care anymore. i've handed myself over to the folds of humanity and gotten torn to shreds. kicked in the ass. that's what i get for being nice, compassionate, and caring in real life. no one gives a shit anymore if you're the nice guy. everyone cares about that magic two letter word: me. yes, that's right. "what's in it for me?" "why should i care?" all these fucking people who pretend to be importand but really aren't. that's life. i won't be surprised anymore. i just don't give a shit. !!========================================================================!! "Damn It!" by Inner Logic Ya know what i cant stand? Party Poopers. They really get my goat. In fact, they even get my goat's goat, and ya gotta really suck to get ol' hermans goat (herman is my goat). Anyways, on to the bitchin. A few weekends ago i went to an open house in another school district. About 5 friends and I showed up with large amounts of beer and herb (at the time of arrival we were all already stoned off our asses). So, we are all out on the back porch smokin bongs, gettin zonked out of our heads when the party really starts hoppin. Music was a-blastin, chicks were a-flirtin, and the beer was a-flowin. Then some wiggers (more on these types of kids in future issues) show up and start passin around glaces, ya know, hoping someone will look back so they can start a fight. Right about this time had fallen asleep on the couch with some girl (to this day i don't know who:) The next part of the story is as told by witnesses, as i was knocked out. Most of my buds were either gettin laid or sleeping, cept one...this big guy. The big guy was TOTALY wasted..i mean really wasted!. So this one wigger looks at my friend (the big stoned one) and my friend stares blankly back. The kid walks up to my friend and says "wassup!?" "ya wanna get loud wit dat?" and my buds like "huh? what?" so the pseudo homey starts goin off "Ya Got Some Beef?!" "Lets Bring it out and fry it up right here!" So my friend just walks away because he is one of those non-violent people. Eventually there was a fight between my friend and the kid, and my friend beat the living bejesus outta the kid. Remember, all this time i was downstairs passed out on the couch. When i had finally awoken from my slumber, I found that some kid had egged me and the girl with me. that really sucked. So the punx were gone, and i was left all egged up with nobody to get mad at. I was quite pissed! Now you may be wondering what the fuck the point of that was. The answer is simple, PARTY POOPERS SUCK! The moral of this story is: Dont count your wiggers before they throw eggs at you. Especially if you are sleeping, becuz that would suck! !!========================================================================!! "Winter" by Basehead As the winter season and new year fall on us; the proverbial changing of the seasonal and annual guard - we all tend to reflect more than usual. Maybe it's the dim grey skies. the 6 hours of real daylight, the lack of a sol-induced carefree nature. who knows? I think alot depends on where you live. In New England, winter is a love/hate relationship. It's hell if you plan on going anywhere, but heaven if you're happy where you are. In California, they get a little rain. boo hoo. in Florida, a few wind gusts. aww. You haven't experienced winter until you've lived through a New England winter. The seasons are not merely a reflection of a specific etched timeframe on a calendar. They shape our lives, moods, emotions. To some of us, new year is an excuse to get completely blasted (read: tradition), and to fake some kind of global exuberance via party-favors and vodka. Some of us pretend we care; giggling out a new year's resolution while reeling from a few shots of our choice alcoholic beverage - taking a drunk female home and fucking her into a frenzy, or whatever. this is what it all comes down to? Do we ever really take a minute to begin to imagine how amazing our existence is; how in fact lucky we are to see the beginning of another year? Probably not. I don't want to scare you into skipping this article, so i'll move on for now (i wouldn't want you to use your head or anything.) Snow. How amazing it is. Little crystalized versions of frozen precipitation. Melts in your palm before you can get a good look at it, but together, billions of these little buggers have caused entire cities to be without electricity, without water. they've caused extended closings of businesses and schools, resulting in the loss of valuable work time, and been responsible for innumerable deaths and injuries. Snow is a real fucking asshole, it seems. I'm sure we all have our different ideas about this mysterious white stuff. Let's take a look at some typical responses: -- Ok, anybody up for some word association?!@ Alrighty! -- first: "SNOW!" - skiing enthusiast: "god" - m0rph: "warez" - kindergartener: "santa" - 3rd grader: "sled" - 10th grader: "shovel" - Ike Turner: "coke" ...you get the idea. Is Snow a saint or a sucka? You decide. Winter is the ideal time for all the angst(copyright c and circle by NIN, Inc.)-ing teens to wallow in that fiery pit with walls of brimstone -- self pity. Yeah, that's right.. you pieces of shit. Cry your eyes out cuz it's not gonna get any better. angst teen #1 -- "boohoo!@ my life sux. eye am gonna go put on black eyeliner and black clothez. then i'm put on some Bauhaus, lock myself in my rewm, pull the shades, and scream satan's name in 50 languages until he comes to take me away. Oh what's that, mom? I can't hear you, let me turn the music down. Ok.. oh alright, i'll be down for dinner in a sec. Let me get this damn eyeliner off." angst teen #2 -- "boohoo!@ i have nowhere to go in life. i guess it's time to fuck everyone i meet and do some heavy drugs to pass the time. after all!@# N0B0DY CAREZ@#@!" angst teen #3 -- "boohoo!@ i only got a 3.9gpa this semester.. i'll never get into Princeton. m0mz and dad will kill me! I'm going to slit my wrists. FUQ Y0U ALL!@" Fuck off, just fuck off. You're alive, aren't you? Make something of yourselves, you fuckwits. Come on now, enjoy yourself this winter. Think of the implications of winter: presents, family, snowball wars, landscape, beauty.. be thankful for it, revel in it for awhile. You've got a lot to be thankful for. Even doodleboys have alot to be thankful for. After all, they have their ehmm... doodles. Most of all, be thankful this year that you have DTO to keep your intellectual choo-choo train on track. Fear mogel. ..finally.. Advice for everyone who wants nothing more than to finally have a good year in 1996: .. ermm.. .. well ..... don't we all? I'm still looking for the magic formula. !!========================================================================!! "Eating" by Ippy hey. lookie here, whats this? your typical family; son, daughter, mother, and dear ol' daddy. bonding, how crucial!@ ahh, lets goto a restaurant. yah, thats the ticket!@$( we'll have the feminines on one side, and the masculine on the other, conversvative tonight. mm. -- woo!@ look here, so many things to choose burritos, tacos, enchaladias, what? no substitutes for entree tre. ermm, i'll just go ahead and munch down on the complimentary bag of tortilla chips, mm, salsa!@ "waiter, another basket of chips, please."; "coming right up." ...oh, silly me; back to menu!@ the hidden wonderland, i choose my destiny. la la la.. these chips are kinda salty, oh well. "thanks!" little susie exlaimed, as she was handed a plate full of the pre-entree entrie; not knowing daddy had ordered some motzerella sticks, and nachos. mm. geez, i've already had 2 refills of this diet coke!@ "another diet coke, ma'am." okay, "i'll get the 3 enchaladia course," johnny stated in his mind; as he grabbed more nachos. mm. we ordered over 20 minutes ago, meal should be here soon$#@$! la la la.. "woo!@". "the plate is hot, be careful", oh. alrighty. mm. this enchaladia is good, seemingly a lot more food on the plate than i had expected. -- refried beans and all, what a treat!@ ugh, uh-oh.. i'm kinda full. "ma'am, would you mind boxing the remains of my meal?" ..mm. "heres your bill". oh, well, have my k0de!@# "alright troops, back home!@" daddy exclaimed as they carried each others boxes to the car.. leftovers, neat. -- THERE. la la la.. oh, uhm. my point? go to the fucking restaurant, order your apetizers, and leave. bah. !!========================================================================!! "The Little Poop That Could" by Cerkit [12/95] the slam of the door was heard an echo that a thousand times of any sound displayed to man's ears before. the flop of his ass unto the toliet again laid sound a new to man's ears. suddenly the little poop made his way free. slowly he crept through each part of his intestines... climbing... slowly. the crawling walk took nearly twenty minutes. then suddenly... he made his way unto an area unknown to it. the stool was worried. the cheeks tried to comfort the poor stool. lying about its destination. telling it how great things would be for it. it knew this was the end of its days. it didnt have the strength however, therein to sustain the journey. the cheeks coax'd the poor poop. "i can't... i just cant do it!#" "you can... you can, i tell you!@ i've seen it a million times." "i won't make it... i'll die in the fall or... or... worse... i'll be torn into halves." "you can. you can." the ass cheeks consorted secretly... planning to reverse the logic. "you're right, poop, you can't." "uhm. you dont think i can now?" "i know it. you're a reject." "oh yeah?!@ watch this!@" the little poop made his way... harder and harder he tried with each motion. wiggling... pushing... pulling himself out. stretching and constricting. he worked himself futher out. he tried with all his might. "i think i can... i think i can... " "he'll never do it." "i think i can... i think i can... " the poop worked. the poop stretched & constricted again. "he'll never do it." "i think i can... i think i can... " the poop gave it one last effort... with a great "arg@!#" and an extra "umph." hanging by a small thread the poop gave out a hideous sinster laugh. he urged forward. he lundged futher on, and with a small "pluck@!#" he came completly free. one "sploosh@!" later he found himself sorrounded by water. he faught with the current.. and as the air aged in him he slowly began to drown. he found his fate. he worked for his own death. as the final breaths left in him.. drizzled out.. he choked a final "guhblahukumerf@!" and sunk-away in the swirl of blue. !!========================================================================!! "How to Break into an Abandoned house" by Everlast [9/10/94] What you need: A flashlight Mace/Pepper spray A touch explosive (Optional) Breaking into an abandon house is fairly easy. You need to plan this out before you actually do it, though. Here's some definite things you need to plan out. If you see a person there or something moves, MACE! Even if it was just a rat, it won't bother you the rest of the time! And another even FUNNER way to do it is the touch explosive. One thing for a touch explosive is those snappers that you throw on the ground, but open lots of them up (BE CAREFUL) and make a huge one. It packs a lot of power. You DEFINETELY need at least 3 people. These people help assure your enterance and also you won't get in as much trouble. Make sure you wear crappy clothes because these damn houses are filled with dust and spider webs and shit. First thing to do: Look for an entrance that is not visible to houses, roads, etc. If the entrance is a window - try to open it. This is the best way. If this doesn't work, DO NOT BREAK IT! That is hard evidence that someone broke into the house. Look for a door or another window that opens. you find a door not visible to houses/streets, kick it open. This may sound stupid because doors are hard to kick open, but not in abandoned house it is probably eaten up by termites. After open, it's easy from there. Go into the house. Some people might think it's smart to yell "Hello?", but think about it. If you were at your house and you hear the door being kicked open and someone yells "Hello?" would you answer? No, I think you'd go for your 40 gague. Well look around! If you hear or see ANY sign that somebody is living there, GET THE FUCK OUT! Ways to look for signs of someone living there look at the phone books, letters, things like that. The plan: Check the downstairs first. A few thing will be in here that are good to get. Second: Check the second floor. Look for a bedroom. The bedroom is where a tv or a stereo would proabaly be, and they might also be in the downstairs. Third: ATTIC! This is the jackpot. Boxes and boxes and boxes. Check all the boxes. Here's  where I found most of my stuff. Things to remember while you are looking through the house: 1. Try to avoid windows. If anyone sees you you're in deep shit. 2. At any floor above the second, look for pillars on the floor. Step on the pillars because these houses are so damn old the floor could break at any second. 3. DO NOT go in the basement. The steps are so old that they could break. And if you get stuck in the basement you'll be in trouble. If you were on the second or third floor you could always jump out a window. 4. Be careful! If you leave any evidence that someone was there they could go searching the neighborhood. Make sure the door is shut tight, and make sure if you opened any windows that you shut them. Here's some things I found when I went into an abandoned house: 1. Two speakers (HUGE) 2. A camera (Sortof old but could sell) 3. A GUN (Real old, probably doesn't work) 4. Lots and lots of pennies (Worth at least $20) 5. A Television (Old, proably works though) 6. Lots of books (Your right, who the hell cares) 7. A knife (Pretty good one) 8. An alarm clock (Plug in one, again who the fuck cares) 9. A set of silverware (WHO THE FUCK CARES!) 10. Batteries (Expired in '91, still might work) 11. A pinball machine (I have no idea why nobody took this already) Consequences if someone catches you: 1. Juvenile Court (For trespassing/breaking and entering) 2. Warning (Don't do it again, youngin'!) 3. Community Service/Other Services The best way to get out of this if someone catches you say "I didn't know" or say "it was just our secret clubhouse". It was a dark, dark night. My friends and I were at this party at this ugly girl's house and it got really boring. The "highlight" of the party was playing spin the bottle for hugs. We had heard that the hottest girl in our school, Adriene Wolff was going to be there. Those fuckin liars. Why we thought that the hottest girl would be at this party was beyond me. So....as the party dragged on and on...I said i had to "go to the little boy's room". As I went upstairs I noticed that directly next to her house was an abandon house, or so it seemed. I looked closer. Nope, no sign of life there. Well me and my "bad" self thought of something. I went downstairs and talked to my friends about it. We decided that we'd all sneak upstairs and go out to that abandon house. So that's what we did. Little did I know what would happen next. The door kicked open fairly easy, and my dumbass friend yelled "Hello?". Shithead. I told him that he was a stupid fuck for yelling that. Well we entered. We stared at all the cobwebs in the house. What a "scary" effect. Well we looked through the downstairs. Nothing. I expected to find something, anything. We were all VERY dissapointed. We all glanced upstairs simultaneously, and we rushed to see who would get there first. I did, not that I'm the fastest runner of all of us though. I saw what appeared to be two bedrooms. I looked in both of them. All they had was books. "Awww...... shit!", I yelled. Well as I looked on, I saw this rat. It scared the shit out of me. With the mace I stole from the "party girl's" mom's purse, I hit the rat directly in the left eye. I called all of my frinds in to watch the fun. I've done it before, and it really is cool to watch. But as I watched this one, it seemed different from the others. It looked like it was hurt, but it's eyes weren't tearing or he wasn't rubbing them or anything. As we all watched further, the rat seemed to be growing larger. My friend had a homeade M100 with him, and he was as scared as all of us. He was the one who shouted out "Hello?" as we entered, and I didn't think he would've been as smart as he was. He lit off the M100 right on top of the rats head. The rat twiched for a moment, but still began to grow larger and larger. It grew almost as high as my left knee, and was fat as shit. So my friends and I did what every smart person would do....run. The wind was howling through the half open window. As we were running, we thought we heard the wind. Except the wind doesn't manually pump a shotgun. In one second my best friend Kevin was shot in the back. As I looked behind myself, I saw a tall black figure but I couldn't focus on the face. I ran as fast as possible, and so did my friends, but it wasn't fast enough for one of my friends. Once more, a shot fired. I heard a grunt, and a fall. I ran out the door faster, faster, and faster. I didn't waste time and stop at the party house, I ran straight to the police station, about 2 miles away. I told them what had happened, and they put me in a car and drove with the sirens on to the house. As I could see everyone from the party was standing outside, staring. I looked at all of their faces. Shock. The policemen entered, I followed one of them, they looked around the first floor, and I directed them to the second. They told me to get in the car. I couldn't believe it. I wish I saw that face. I thought about it for at least 10 minutes. A policeman came close to the car and looked at me. He said, "Is this some kind of joke?". "No officer, I saw two of my best friends being shot in that house!". "Well son, you must be seeing things because all we found in that house was spiderwebs and bat shit." Just remember: THIS TEXT ARTICLE IS JUST FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY! (Hehehehe) !!========================================================================!! "My stufsfsfsfs" by Kaos [10/94] These questions inside my head keep popping up one after another. The world a bitter hellhole, where slaves of themselves roam around with no rules. Socitey thanks the rich, spits on the poor and anyone in between is caught in a cauldrin of hate. From mice, to men, to all. The death of the law had come at no better time than now. When else could we rise up and avenge the endless bullshit that mindlessly pours through society while filled with rage and anger. Hell is inside of us all and the truth is far from being exposed. The brilliant die young and all who follow die with them. What is this mindless crap inside of our heads? Who cares? The scum of the earth are not the evil, they are the gifted. The only things men have brought upon themselves is tools designed for destruction NOT for the purpose of harmony and peace. I can't explain these questions inside my head. Generation gaps maybe. Who can know what truly lurks within them? The gods, the rulers, and the dead... !!========================================================================!! "Tales of a Troubled Chick" by Anjee [10/98] over the hills and far away, teletubbies come to play. *pause* once upon a time, there was a girl named angie. quite an odd girl she was. she would spend countless hours typing away to seemingly non-existant beings over some little wonder called "irc". however, the fact that she has no life in no way relates to the story i'm about to spit out. or does it? i don't know, you be the judge. anyway, one day, little miss angie's tummy started to harrass her for food. food, of course, would be considered as something edible that can be cooked in 10 minutes or less. SO. angie raided her home, in search for something to fill her tiny little belly. as she opened the freezer door, a box of delicious-looking smartie ice cream magically appeared in front of her eyes. as if angie was caught in some kind of a trance, she slowly retrieved the ice cream from the freezer and fled to the kitchen for a spoon. time quickly passed as angie scraped the bottom of the box (there wasnt much smartie ice cream left anyway, she wasnt a pig i think). anyhow, as she digested her tasty but pathetic excuse for food, angie felt the need to pay a visit to mister potty. as she let human excrements flee from anus, she felt enormously relieved. she stood up and flushed the toilet. however, she accidently glanced at what her body had just rejected and what did she see? *gasp* angie saw a smartie! a whole green smartie. um.. heh. no, ok. bye. !!========================================================================!! "Every Day" by Magimaster [12/95] { I put this self-description in for you cause I didn't know if I was } { supposed to write it or not. Delete all lines encased in braces } magimaster; writer - a newbie. still trying to figure out the language of the elite. a combatant looking for a new place to battle. a seeker of knowledge and a wanter of power. the magimaster is considered by friends and classmates as being 'too nice.' you can never be too nice. though he's never surfed the net, he seems to creep knowledge out of places where others have failed. ÖÄÄ ÇÄ ÓÄÄvery morning i seem to awaken in the same fashion. a small pocket of anarchy flops around in my head trying to return me to the unruling world of sleep. i struggle every day with it; some days it is more powerful than others. on most days, i can overcome it. sometimes, it is just too powerful for me and i drift off into a dream. but when i can overcome it, then things get even more interesting. i must suddenly realize that i am no longer in the phantacy world that i just departed from. no, i am now in the real world. so i go downstairs to be greeted by a bitchy little 13 year old sister whining about the b+ she got on her report card. great. it's even better when my mom sends _her_ up to awaken me. she has this really bad habit of putting our ferocious but friendly kitten on my face to wake me up. well, at least she does a good job. but anyways, back to downstairs. so i go out to the kitchen, then suddenly realizing what i'm wearing, and wander back upstairs to get dressed. after all, i don't think too many people would appreciate it if i came to school in boxers. now i'm in my room. suddenly that little pocket of anarchy, which has now been shoved into the back of my head, taps my visual cortex and sees my bed. it leaps forth, urging me to let today go to hell and sleep. it uses the most evasive ploys to do so too, like "it's really night. go to sleep," or "you might want to think about that offer your mom made about your allowance being raised here, sleep on it." yeah. right. i proceed to shove it back to it's previous resting place and get dressed. i notice that i don't have anything to wear. i return to the kitchen only to find that my clothes are sitting on the ironing board. shit. i just wasted 15 minutes on nothing. great. so then i get dressed. i pour myself a massive bowl of corn flakes with about a cup of sugar, only to find there's no milk. then i hear my sister behind me say to my mom "oh, i forgot to tell you last night that we needed milk." double shit. throwing the damn corn flakes away, i proceed to scold my sister, only to be scolded by my mother. hell of a day. so i get to school. of all the stupidly ironic things to happen, i get a pint of milk spilled on me, and my 145 point physics project. triple shit. what a morning. i could write you a whole 10 page essay on just one day of my life. bad days suck. !!========================================================================!! "Calling All Assholes" by Phairgirl [11/98] Man, I hate nice guys. I like to fuck evil men who slap me around, treat me like the bitch I am. You got short hair? FUCK YOU. I want a long haired, crazy bastard who can put away a fifth of JD and not even feel it. Where's your fucking motorcycle? Christ, you can't get a hard-on from driving a Honda Civic. And I'm not going to get off riding in the back, either. And when you're not busy fucking me, you better be fucking my best friend. She's a crazy, loose whore who likes to ruin my life. Doesn't get any better than that. Knock me up and deny you're the father. Man, that's the shit I live and die for. Lie about every place you go, cuz I don't wanna know about all the volunteering you do at the nursing home. When you're out, you better be out with the boys, hustling pool and busting up the bars. High school graduates are such a turn-off. And that pussy-ass GED tells me, you care more about your mind than fucking. You can't fuck your mind, asshole. Just shut the fuck up, hit me with a bottle of Corona, throw me down and spread my legs, baby. I don't want a nice guy. I wanna PARTY!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! !!========================================================================!! "Jubjub's Guide to Story-making" by Nybar [7/96] Jubjub: "First.. get an idea. Then write it down. Make sure to use grammar proper. Also.. make sure it has correct spelling. Then.. come back an hour later and redo it" Nybar: "Uh huh" Jubjub: "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah" Nybar: "Ok" Jubjub: "blahblbahblahblahblah" Nybar: "Yeah" Jubjub: "blablahblahblahblahblah" Nybar: "I gotchya" Jubjub: "Blahblahblahblahblah" Nybar: "Oh yeah.. me too" Jubjub: "Now go and write the best story you've ever written!" Nybar: "OK!! And then I wrote this and gave it to him. HAHAHA$#@! !!========================================================================!! "Priests" by Oodles [4/96] i always wondered what goes on in a priests mind when you tell them all of your sins. being a holy man (the priest that is, not me, hell i'm not even a man), the priest can't really convey his feelings (or so i thought), so he has to keep them inside, which must be pretty damn sexually frustrating for him. recently, i went to confession. being the good catholic girl i am, i felt obligated to tell all of my sins to this lucky priest. it was a face-to-face confession, which as many of you catholics out there know, is quite frustrating. you don't get to sit in that little secluded box where the priest can't see your face, you have to look him straight in the eye and tell him _everything_. i had a few tiny bad things which i had done (bad by the church's standards that is anyhow), so i was especially uncomfortable telling them to this priest, but i did it anyway. i'm a strong girl, hear me roar. roaaarrrrr! the following is the conversation between me and this priest. let's call him father perv. (enter the room and sit down facing this fat hairy blob of a priest.) father perv : hello my child. me : um. bless me father for i have sinned. it has been one year since my last confession and these are my sins. (long silent pause while my eyes gaze around the room.) me : um. well. i did some things which my boyfriend which i feel a little guilty about. father perv : touching, or all the way? (making some funny arm action like a drunken man in a bar finding out about his friends sex ventures from the previous night.) me : um, all the way... (father locks me in an uncomfortable stare.) father perv : did you enjoy it? oh how many occasions did this occur? [and other various questions totally irrelevant to the absolution/confession itself. i was waiting for him to ask what i was wearing at the time and if i had happened to have video taped it and would be willing to loan him a copy to have his way with.] me : um.. i don't know. it was with my boyfriend. i love him and stuff. (father perv asks more questions making me feel more and more uneasy as the seconds pass. finally after questioning me for a good twenty minutes, he asks if i had any other sins which i felt guilty about. maybe he was expecting some tales of masturbation or other things which he could pry into and get off on. i respond with basic things such as being mean to a parent or something stupid normally confessed by a 3rd grader.) father perv : okay. say ten hail marys and 3 our fathers. me : thank you father. (i get up and prepare to exit the room as quickly as my legs can take me.) father perv : hey. wait. one more thing. next time, _KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER_. (i almost fainted. a priest. telling me to keep my legs together? a priest!? what the fuck was going on. a holy man as he, saying such lude things to a 16 year old girl in a catholic high school? i proceeded to ignore his comment and walk out of the room shutting the door behind me. father didn't take anyone else for confession for the rest of that day, and mysteriously kept that door shut and did not come out. i don't even want to know what he was doing in there. sigh.) !!========================================================================!! "h0e & Me" by Orestes [8/96] +-----------------------------+---------------------------------------+ | .,.,. _____ | | | ':`-.`` | \____ | | | :;.. ) | | | before i started writing for h0e, i | | `:: -| | | | was very confused. i lived my life | | -~-~~~- |___________| | with much free time, but i couldn't | | | | | | | honestly say that i was ever happy. | | | | |____________| | | | | | +---------------------+-------+--------------+------------------------+ | | | .xx. | | | | //..\\ | | even the sex with | & it wasn't that | /(.__.)\ | | my girlfriend was | she didn't meet my | __.---' `---.__ | | not fun. it left | obnoxiously normal | ( o )( o ) | | me unsatisfied. | american ideals. | \ / | | | | | | | | | | | +---------------------+----------------+-----+------------------------+ | | | | | | | but when everyone saw me and mogel | indeed, my stardom brought | | chilling out together on irc chans | with it the perquisites of | | they realized that i was something | a bonafide celebrity: | | not to be ignored. they became my | | | friends. & my lovers. | "all mah boys" | | | | | | | +--------------------------------------+------------------------------+ | .-. \-/ .-. vv | | | ' (o o) ` | / || \ |o.| | | | ).-.`-'.-.( | | __ | |, | | | |___ ___| | () | -- | | [__ __] \____--____/ || | | | | m0g #acid cerkit | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ | 0YZGETCH1X-*-H0EMENGETB0YZ-*-H0EB0YZGETCH1X-*-H0EMENGETB0YZ-*-H0EB0 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ !!========================================================================!! "Real Life Story" by Apollo [10/96] this is from real life. a guy who works with me tells a story. it goes something like this: "one day, i thought i could improve the work morale around here, by taking a dump and not just letting gas out all day in the office. so i go to the bathroom, but NO! there's somebody reading a paper in there. can't people like, hurry up?" oh, hummn. !!========================================================================!! "Pay Attention, You Might Learn Something" by Lucky [4/95] ok this is my new rady-rad insert for h0e, sure to be a classic. hey asshole! yeah i'm speaking to you turn off your snoop doggy-dog and your nin and listen closely. i bet you did it too haha. why are you even sitting in front of your computer, i bet you just got off a chat board somewhere and you're all depressed because nothing exciting happened like usual. well guess what!? nothing exciting is ever gonna happen while you're sitting in front of your computer, shit why am i even sitting in fron of my computer i'll tell you why we're all doing the same shit day in and day out because it's gotten into a routine out computer is now our best friend. and why to we even waste out time going onto these "chat boards" because we think that the people on there are out 'friends' and because we get really cool 'elite' files. bullshit we do this because we have nothing better to do. if i asked anyone of you including myself to not use your computer for a week you couldn't do it it's like smoking you're used to it, it's become part of your life, now isn't that pathetic. from here on out none of you will see me untill september first, exactly a month after my birthday which is when i'll pull the plug on this infernal thing. i've seen people cry over what other people think about them on a board, some people think what they say and who they talk to really matter, some people say they want to meet people get a fucking life hit the power switch and go talk to real people. get a job, help senior citizens, jerk off, do something productive. the reason for all of this is because i've gotten sick of what i've been seeing i'll go on a board and people will have their own little groups and they'll talk and laugh and make fun of people just for something to do, then they'll critisize people and get all bent out of shape when someone says something to them, also i've seen staff on these boards actualy think they have some sort of power that nobody else can have and they try to save the little uptight asshole in the telconferance like they're a super hero. "i have moofing power" was actualy said to me once "you can't do that" "why not?" "because i said so and i'm staff" "but you're still a dork" instant log off. i've also seen users to mistake this key that a sysop gives them for power, "hey look at me i have arrest power!" well fuck them too, they're dorks also and then after all that they have the nerve to ask people to pay for their shitty board. well my final thought is, turn off and lock your computer for a week see if you can do it, then if u can last a week try a month and see if you can do that too, then after you do that then you can write me mail saying how wrong i was but untill then shut up. !!========================================================================!! "...And On A Boring Afternoon" by Styx [3/13/97] hey!! look at me!! i took over the porn mecca of IRC, #sexpics!! *** Log file opened: 3/13/97 1:40:06 PM *** styx [dropdead@ip66.phila7.pa.pub-ip.psi.net] has joined #sexpics [this is where i rode the netsplit in!!! i cut out all of the /joins!!] *** styx sets mode: -oooo _Lucy_ |HP| |Minus| |Orion| *** styx sets mode: -oooo |TDK| Doom3 Gimp Memorex *** styx sets mode: -oooo Spyke TruBBle WeBBeR z0s *** styx sets mode: +si+lk 54 Takeover *** styx changes topic to "-={UTOPIA-43 v2.3b(pHuCk OvEr MoDe)}=-" *** styx sets mode: -l *** styx sets mode: -i-k Takeover *** styx sets mode: +m *** styx has kicked _-_ from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked _Lucy_ from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked |HP| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked |Minus| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked |Orion| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked |TDK| from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked adre from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Aka69 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Annb from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Bare from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked BBsT-Away from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked BIG_RED from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked BillG from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked blahboy from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked blond23 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Blood22 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked BlueBoo from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked C-BOY from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Crier from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Decay from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Devilinme from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Doom3 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Eight from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Festival from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Freejack2 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked GANGSTA`S from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Gimp from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked hemingway from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked janet26 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked jay_1 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Julie_14 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked killed from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked leafsrule from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked leo2 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked manson14 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Memorex from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked MrB from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked nills from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked NOPPES from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked poppee from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked RiotGirl from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked rocketfue from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Schmack from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked shadow from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Space-Hog from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked spank from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Spyke from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked stacie5 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked stud19 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked sUdden from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Tough_Guy from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked WeBBeR from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked Wes88 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked x-man from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked z0s from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx has kicked EPNK79 from #sexpics (guttermeat.) *** styx [dropdead@ip66.phila7.pa.pub-ip.psi.net] has left #sexpics *** Log file closed: 3/13/97 2:11:03 PM !!========================================================================!! "How To Get Passed School Metal Detectors" by The Terrorist [12/94] Welcome, you are about to embark on the first HoE writing by The Terrorist. This week you'll learn the tricks of the trade on how to go passed those damn metal detectors at your school. I was inspired to write this after seeing all my boyz and da niggaz from my school getting arrested cause they were to stupid to hide their weapons. So, its about 8am and your ready to go to school, all dressed up in your Polo (tm.) gear with your Fila (tm.) kix, your beeper, your blade, your nickle plated nine, or whatever you bring with you depending on how bad you think you are. When you arrive at school you happen to notice that all the people are directed to go in the same door, and that all the other ones are locked. Guess what.. Your school is having a search today. Thinks That Will Get Confiscated: Guns (errr durr) Knifes Beepers / Cellular Phones Drugs Cigarettes / Blunts Matches / Lighters / Zippo's Playing cards / dice Mace / Pepper Gas Those small wooden baseball bats And anything else that could be used for violence I didnt mention. Things you can do from here: (a) Do the smart thing, leave school and go home (thats if no one has seen you, cause every now and then you have your occasional asshole that'll rat you for leaving and then say you probably had a weapon on you). (b) Go hide your weapon/beeper whatever in the field around your school, maybe somewhere that you can get back to after school or during your lunch or some other time convienent for you. (c) Try to plant it in someone elses school bag and let them get busted for it, and watch them scream and cry cause they got arrested. This is a great tactic to do on like a major dork, the one who gets straight A's, and asks for extra credit on a test that they only got a 94 on while you and the rest of the class either failed or just barely passed. Now all of these ways work and do not get you in trouble, but chances are its easier to get caught and you might not see your "tools" again. Now I've come up with a few ways to get the stuff in and past the metal detectors that have worked for the people I have told them to. As for smokes they are not metal and are very easily to hide down the front of your pants of if your wearing a long sleaved shirt, roll the sleaves up and stuff your cigs and blunts in there. The same for drugs, they too, can not be detected with metal detectors, but they can be detected with dogs if your school has them there. As for lighters and matches, just hand them over... They won't dont anything to you if you have them, except for take them from you. As for Knives take them and stuff them in a folder in your book bag. I've noticed that when they go through and search your bags and coats they only put there hands around the bottom and feel for shit like guns. If you put it in your folder, chances are they won't check there. For guns thats kind of tricky. I recommend just going to a soccer field or football field and burring it somewhere, so that you can get to it later. Its not worth bringing it into school, if they scan anything your dead. Playing cards and dice are strange... Sometimes they see them and do nothing, other times they just take them from you.. no matter, they are really cheap items, and well try putting them on the bottom of your school bag, down your pants, or in the folder. But even if they do get them, just puy another set after school. I'm sure if your on a computer reading this you can afford the 2 bucks for a good pack of bicycle cards. Well this is all from me on this subject. I just tryed to point out a few ways of getting your "supplies" into school without getting caught. If you read this you should have no problem, if you do by chance get caught, you probably fucked it up yourself, cause these have been tested and proven to work by Philly High School kids. Welp. The terrorist is leaving the editor.. please take your seats until I have told you other wise. Props Go To: Mogel: Here you go. The Wizard: Yo, hook me up with your old board. Mis-fuckedup-hindu-bitch: I'm comming to get you, you dot headded Motherfucker. Try and diss me again bitch. And the rest of you modem motherfuckers that I missed: Get off My LOG! This File Was Brought to You By The Terrorist. Questions, comments, contact me through Mogel Land HoE WHQ: Mad Props: Crank: Any Time, Any Place ;) The Intimidator: Weez' chillin tonight? !!========================================================================!! "I'm Fucking Mad" by Sinister Sheep [Originally written for HOE #90 (7/25/95), but not included.] alt.angst.for.donuts article 571 of [571,571] (0 unseen) From: sinsheep@escape.com (The Sinister Sheep) Subject: I'M FUCKING MAD@!#!1 Organization: HOG: HoE Organization of Groupies Lines: 13 Fuck the preps!@ Fuck the earwax!@ Fuck the boogers!! Fuck the gastronemic releases! It all boils down to one question: " Am I the only one brave enough to admit I pee in the shower?" YEAH. and I'll be waiting by the box for your pee and I'll take it all and put it back in me and then I'll recycle it into my drain and no, there's nothing wrong with my brain I just like piss. !!========================================================================!! !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #398, WRITTEN BY VARIOUS ARTISTS, 1/4/98 !!