[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #520 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "For Kelly" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Isaac 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/16/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Why I am writing this? Why am I going to give this to Kelly? I am an introvert. I look to myself to find what I search for. My thoughts need directions and my feelings wander as if in a mystical forest searching for the golden prize of 'good feelings'. My thoughts can only proceed on a path, yet they are lost. What they search for is unknown, but I am searching for something or I would not feel lost. My childhood was filled with thoughts, logical observation, metaphysical arguments, answering questions and feeling the house of my ego develop with time and introverted experience. I used to wander in real forests when I was young. My dreams were of those forests turning into deserts and wandering through them in search of a strange personified object. I would search for it because it was so strange. I was always tired of going over what was known. The issue of great Nova-Object was always in limelight of my inner being. I also started to develop affinities and infatuations with certain girls when I was six or seven. They were vague and undefined to me in the rational world I had become so comfortable in. One experience would always come back to me. When I was about eight or nine, I played a lot with one girl. She was a year older then me, and had long hair and was very shy and fairy like. We would play house all the time. One time we transformed a picnic table into a house with our imaginations. She would pretend we were husband and wife and we would go through different periods of the day. For example, we had dinner in "afternoon". I would always feel that this game was so silly and pointless but for some reason I would just always give in and go along with the agenda of her fantasy. When it was "night" and time for bed would lie under the table and pretend we were in a bed, and I was very nervous because I didn't understand what we were supposed to do. I would just lay there like I was sleeping and be like "ok, is it morning yet?" and she be like "no" then I was just laying there and she would put her arm around me and for some reason I got really embarrassed and after a while I just rolled out from under her arm and the table and got up and was like "ok, its morning". Much later on, when we stopped playing together or even associating I found out her parents had been divorced and she lived with her mother. I rarely acted on feelings. I always acted on rational thought. Which is probably why I was never very active, and why I was never in fights or developed relationships with girls. Because of this, I developed very antisocial persona, even though I was always around peers. My thoughts became more and more fixed on understanding human behavior which I never did until around the time of 5th or 6th grade when I begin to discover and open up the world of emotions and feelings. I became more and more interested in art and music and finding the 'good feelings'. My attention turned to fiction (sci-fi) like Dune and Asimov's world of Androids and music like Pink Floyd, Alan Parson (I Robot), The Beatles, but my taste even wandered off into soul and rythmic R&B and even Cyndi Lauper (who I still like, though of course no one understands why). Later, I also discovered art like paintings by H.R.Giger and Boklin on the internet. But, also, about that time thoughts turned my new world of imagination and emotion and my ego-consciousness which is socially oriented into a undefined depression. I discovered that my point of view of life was very different from others. I never really thought about my future or what I "wanted to do with my life" and I never felt that if something happened like if I failed a grade or became poor that my "life would be ruined" which is why I never really excelled academically or understand why others felt it so important. I never considered academics or the pursuit of wealth or a family etc was "my life" like it seemed to be for others. I always felt that one should only "work to live, not live to work". I also never really cared about my appearance. Then came the period when I became sick of all emotion and irrational behavior and I pulled it up out of my psyche. I up-rooted it and analyzed it and searched to discover "what I was" and what I found or what was brought into the full light of consciousness was that I was nothing more then a program, another automated object who's freewill truly is an illusion. I came to devalue many things but most importantly human life and life in general. Life and death had little difference. To construct and to destruct became the same thing, for destruction can only occur if there has been construction and visa versa. That was one of the many opposites that had a messy reconciliation followed by the opposites in emotions: to be happy mattered just much as being sad. These concepts of indifference that developed began getting attacked by the emotional and what some would call the "human" world. My whole consciousness still did not understand how to integrate these concepts into my behavior so I continued to get up in the morning and go to school and play that little game everyday and whatnot. Soon my whole life was like a passive automation. I had no ambition to change or 'do' something. I became sick with a gray cloud of "emptiness" and nihilism. Also, I became very annoyed with people. I was tired of hearing them complain about there lives and there little problems and hearing their moralistic attitudes describing things as "sick" or "cool". Everywhere I found such irrational duality like "good and bad" and "right and wrong". It got to the point where I brought earplugs with me to school so I wouldn't have to hear people talk and sound so stupid. That's when the intense infatuations over girls I didn't even know began. It was like the only thing that could make we "well" again or "together" was to unite with my natural opposite, a female. My life is no longer about finding the Nova-Object it was about finding a Girl. I felt pathetic. After many times of actually approaching girls to discover how stupid they are and usually how disgusted they are of me, I realized that the objects of my affection where my own projections. The girl that I was searching for only existed in my head. This is also the time of intense dreams that made no sense and my studies and jungian pyschoanalytical theories. I was also opened to the world of Taoism and oriental thought which brought me back in touch with my earlier attitudes of indifference. I want to be a fireman when I grow. I would be a hero. I would earn respect from the people around me who I secretly fear and am dominated by. I am a slave to society and money. Happiness is the label on the block I hold. A child girl can be evil like a sweet poison. So dominated by emotion and unconscious suggestion. Yet that suggest is sometimes very superior to my own thoughts when they contradict my feelings. She holds the magical ball shaped block and wonder and excitement. In the forest of introverted reality there is an old wise man who holds an uncarved block. I discovered him once. But, one must sacrifice the ego to become him. And, dance apon the foolish family of his psyche in the house of his ego to become and that indivisible individual. Now I know I must not discard my emotions or my rational thoughts. Each must lead the other to build a rich and interesting tapestry to define life so that one still values it. This is why I no long disdain or repress my entire irrational behavior that I am consciously aware of. I make peace with it. But I also try to let my ego have its ambitions to grow and gain strength over my life force. "Life" can become boring or sad or embarrassing. But they shall no longer hold as much value. The only world I live in is the one in my head. To expand and dominate consciousness one must realize this. Who should I give this dumb letter to? Ah, I will give it to that Kelly girl who I know almost nothing of. It should be interesting to see how she responds. And I shall veal whatever secret motif I have to open myself to someone with the "I was bored" or "why not". So, I wrote this letter because I was bored and I gave it to Kelly because... why not? [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #520 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 3/16/99 ]