[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #558 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "For Kelly 7-9" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Isaac 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] (#7) I have made many bad decisions in my life. One of them was not taking PE at all last year when I actually still had some ability to do physical crap. Now I have to take it when I have grown a potbelly and developed a weak heart. They make me walk. I just learned never to wear flannel boxers ever again in PE, because even though I walk really slow with like little baby steps my underwear gets all bundled up and starts chafing all that skin between my legs and under my scotum, and I have to keep pulling it. I develop a real sensitive rash or something down there now and the next day it really hurts to walk normal so I am just like "fuck it" and I walk all weird so that the skin doesn't rub and hurt. People look at me like "uh ok, you are definitely retarded or something" and I am like "YEAH, I am so retarded I forgot how to walk right, along with all of that other social shit I forgot how to do right. So fuck you". I used to get really bad pains in my chest all the time and I figured it was just gas or something so I used to take a lot of antacids and i would carry them around in my pocket in a little plastic bag. Now i get pains in my chest again but these are much different. They aren't gas pains anymore. They are like "I feel like I am about to start crying or vomiting or something" type pains. But sometimes they aren't painful at all like when I am at lunch with Kelly and I start shaking uncontrollably and get this really strange tingling in my chest. One time I seemed to turn the shaking into a game where I would try to control it and I would stop for a second or two and it would start again and I then I would just laugh at myself because it was like "why I am shaking!? my body is so funny". I have many images that come into my head. Especially during presleep, but sometimes I get very interesting ones that seem to come from no where. One time I get this image of this weird mental grid pattern of long hexagons and it makes me thing of a fence and behind them is strange yellow fluid background with green spots. Other images are not so picturesque. Sometimes I will see what I call "my sky" which just a gray-blue sky but the emotions and feelings I get are so interesting to me. Such a simple thing means so much to me. I have many objects like that which I can call up or picket out of my magical sack of mind forms. It wasn't until I saw paintings by Bocklin that reminded my of those mind forms that I realized that what people call "art" is really just a method to make those objects that exist in the mind more lucid and real. Perhaps the mystery of being really is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be felt. If that is true then I have already felt it. It is a mind form I call "the Tao" which is a name I gave it when I read about Taoism and the concept of formless non-being. That mind form is hard is very to get to though. I have to first try to conceptualize the whole of the material universe then see "behind it" to the static formless constant that is "the Tao". I could only feel it for moments at a time. I used to meditate trying to just feel it for a long time. Feelings are impossible to communicate though unless the receiver already knows the feeling. Again, it is like trying to teach colors to the blind. I have decided that I hate my penis. It just gets in the way. I want to get a complete castration and just have smooth skin crotch. Now THAT would enhance my life a lot more then developing my social skills. But then I would have to sit or squat to pee, so nevermind. Writing these letters wouldn't be as fun if I didn't give them to Kelly. I don't know why that is. I decided I am just going to keep writing her "letters" until one day I give her a letter and she just rips it up and throws it on the ground and is like "I don't want anymore of your pointless letters you crazy, pathetic fuck!". Actually, that is the method I hope she uses when she finally does get sick of my letters. She will probably be able to "end it" without saying anything somehow, and the whole situation will just be really sad and depressing. I decided that from now on I am just going to think she enjoys my letters, sense she doesn't actually say anything about them. (#8) I like to swing. In my backyard the ground is covered in clovers and shaded by trees and it is really nice to go out there and swing or just sit in a swing under a tree. The swing has a plastic blue seat and yellow ropes and one is pretty low to the ground and one is really high and I usually sit in the low one sense the high one is hard to get on. I think differently when I am in the swing. I feel free to let my thoughts just flow uncontrolled and think peaceful thoughts. I call that my "fun time". Also, I will spin and slowly wind up the rope and then let it turn me slowly as it unwinds. Today I actually started swinging and it feel really good. I had a really bad migraine today. I rarely have those. They are different then headaches because they only last about 3 seconds and they are very painful and after it is gone I am really scared it will come again so I sit really still and try not to trigger one with stress, even though I don't really know what triggers those, but just calmly sitting really still seems to help. I have talked of mind forms and how they affect me. There is one that I have experienced my whole life that I used to call "little-big" and now I think a better name to call it is "the duality". I lost the method of inducing it though. It would come to me during presleep about once every year and sometimes many times in a month. It was partly an image but mostly an intense feeling that would paralyze me in awe. It was wonderful and so fascinating. It was inhuman and alien, but it was "my alien", in the sense that it was mine but not of the world I came from. It has a black background and it is composed of lines I think. Or maybe points. I don't remember it or how to explain it now. I became obsessed with trying to draw it though when I 10 and then again when I was 14 (See picture; cone shaped object). Sometimes it was in my dreams also, in the form or incasing a merry-go-round or something. This is important though because I always felt that if I solved the mystery of the little-big I would gain a grand, profound insight into something. Now, I seem to have no ability to recall it or have an desire to peruse it. I feel like it may come back again later in life. One time I thought maybe it might be something everyone feels or "gets" but the people I talked to had no idea, and I still search for people who can relate to it and I show them the drawing because I know if I saw someone else draw anything like that I would know immediately what that was a symbol of. Anyway that was in someway also a symbol of my "dark" part of life (I always talk of the unconscious or the place one searches for something "dark"). Now I seem to be entering a part of my life where socially oriented skills and experiences are becoming more and more important. I could feel it creep up in me like something that was telling me "sorry, fun is over now you must get "real", and it would tell me in my growing discomfort of introspection and meditation. At first I thought that the problem was that I was losing my touch and that I just needed to hold fast to my path and endure the pain as something of a growth experience (what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger). In this time all my dreams became either disturbing erotic dreams, dreams of war and earth destruction, dreams of me looking for a small girl demon in dark places, or dreams of me killing people or getting killed by cutting them or stabbing them to death (mostly negative dreams). I also begin to see that people saw social life as "real life" and I felt this was a sad or cruel illusion in the human mind, but I felt myself slipping into the same mind set which further complicated my situation. This is also the time of the bad chest pains. My mind used to always race through things and thoughts and find the questions and answers and the images and mind forms and identify the direction of the nova-object. Now it kept stumbling and becoming lost and confused sometimes and that was extremely painful. I always felt like people didn't know real pain for they seemed so distressed at physical pain but physical pain very much pales in comparison with the pain of a mind in great distress. So I started to do what I though was weird things and behavior. I would just start walking around pointlessly to calm myself. I looked for the good feelings once again as I had as a child. I became more extroverted. I start writing letters to a girl named Kelly, and I become nervous because I was doing something on "feeling" and you must understand I am not conformable when I don't really know the objective of an action. So, the letters became all about me and why I was writing them. --- Kelly is really nice and not just in the kind way. She is nice like when I swing with the clovers and the trees. I really loved talking to her and I should really tell her that just so she knows and doesn't think I think low of her or something, because she is very smart and interesting just as I thought she would be. When I talk with Kelly just hearing her voice makes me smile and when she laughs I laugh and I get this really pleasant feeling. It is just really good. That is the best way to describe it is "good". I love how she tries to humor me when I said something about not minding silence and she gets silent thinking I am enjoying it when what I enjoy is her talking but only if she is enjoying it also. I didn't want her to feel pressure to keep talking just to fill silence (maybe I should have said that instead). I feel really nice for the first time in a long time. In fact I have almost forgotten how "nice" felt. It was like all those other times I thought I was feeling okay and good was just fake and beneath it all I still had the sick feelings. The cynical and cold tone in my voice seems to be diminishing. Caroline calls me: c: so Kelly called you? i: yes *silence* i: she is really nice *with an unlike you tone* c: you love her. i: *laugh* no, I don't love her... she is just really nice c: you know I don't really feel like talking to you. so bye i: *laugh* whatever (#9) Even though I have solved the mystery of my distressed mind I still have not "found the way" or developed a method. God, I am such a programmer. I try to put life to a program, and I assert that my behavior and persona as something I can manipulate. I am so naive. Dream segment: I am sitting at a picnic table with Kelly, Jay, and some other undefined passive people. The picnic table is in the middle of a cobble stone road and there is one long concrete wall beside us. I draw a stick figure symbolizing Kelly high up on the wall. I draw straight lines symbolizing sunshine emanating from Kelly, I guess in an attempt to express that she is "The Sun". Then Jay draws a figure below that of Kelly depicted as a Bunny. Jay says something like "I like bunnies" (in an 'I like bunnies in a sexual way' tone). Then I see Jay chase after some pink cartoonish bunny. Then Kelly draws a symbol-picture of me with wavy lines emanating from it. I look at her for an explanation and she says, "Those are stink lines". I realize she is mocking my depiction of her. I say, "oh I get it". *end* The only task I ever feel good about doing now is writing these letters. Everything else is shit. My persona and ego-validity have been thrown into the air and shot at. The bullets are these letters. I realized I have to write out my thoughts now and I have to give them to Kelly because of my mentality slipping into that of socialite where the "social world" is the "real world". I think thats sad but I think a lot of things are "sad". Through that method the bullets of will actually hit their target. Otherwise, if I just continued with my introverted thoughts the bullets would be dodged easily and would fail at killing this old, obsoleted, worn out, inadequate mentality, persona, etc. I need to find ways of completely killing it, though. It is still there in on thrown in the sky and I realized this when I observed my behavior around people last Saturday. Soon I predict it to all come crashing down in a fiery mess. From my present state I can not really predict what following reformation will result in, but it will probably have something to do with Kelly. I love trees. I love all plants. To me they are the symbol of wu wei, a Taoist method that is best described as inaction. To be still and quiet in observation instead of going out and doing something. If the trees had a human mind they would probably see humans as we see those fly's that live for about a week and whos life consists of flying around, knocking up some other fly and then flying somewhere to die. I want to be like the trees and live for the means and not the ends. "I am coming Valhalla" is the motto of the man of ends. He ends things or reaches his long sought after end in a violent or loud event. He runs out to war for the two things he loves which is kill and die. He is the one that the concept of "games" applies to. Games has objectives or ends. To be the sage or the tree means to live not to play games. I think people spend their lives with distractions like video games, music, and everything else described as entertainment. I think even what people call work is just a distraction. We could live in a totally automated system where all things run off energy sources like the sun and kinetic energy around us. Even the growing and distributing of food requires no man power. The only thing humans possess that we can not replace with a tool is their minds. The only task worth anything to me is development of the mind. People express that if something like that happened we would all become "lazy", etc. What they are really are afraid of is giving up their distractions and being forced to face themselves and reality. The Chinese realized this 2500 years ago when they were in a state of warring and all there seem to be was the killing and the dying. They had reached the pinnacle of the "love the ends and not the means" and it was very easy for them to finally look around and laugh at what fools they were. But, in actually that did not happen. Only a very few realized this and developed the philosophy of Taoism and when they realized that the Chinese where too blind to see the "colors" they left and carried the knowledge to Tibet. It is true that I am "interested" in Kelly. But it is more than that I am interested in what Kelly symbolizes for me. She is the good feelings and the initiator of a new mentality. She symbolizes the Lucifer I search for or the light. No longer is knowledge and mental strength the objects of my desire. I desire the good feelings and in my regression to a social orientation the good feelings find there host image Kelly. tu ra-lu ra-lu-ra tu ra-lu ra-la tu ra-lu ra-lu-ra an Irish lullaby I when I stopped sing the Mrs. Suzie song to comfort me I started singing that song. Caroline said it was because Kelly is Irish. Perhaps Kelly is Irish genetically but she is not Irish like that song is Irish. I do think fondly of Ireland but in a strange way. Catholicism lets the mind to sleep. There is a mentality of mixing humor with logic to mock life on an unconscious level or in other words to laugh at themselves as being conscious of anything. They know of being nothing and they know that all feelings are pain. They can reconcile the opposites of "good feeling" and "bad feeling" into just feeling like the Buddhist. But they are the only ones who do it completely unconsciously or as something of there inner structure and then be able to laugh at themselves for having desires. This is the Irish mentality that fascinates me, but it is certainly not present in all "Irish" things. But I am certain it can be identified in the Gaelic language. Perhaps this is all a hard thing to understand and I am just not wording it write or explaining it enough. I will stop though, and collect my thoughts later on that subject to make them more understandable, or see if all that I am saying is just crap, because I am trying to translate my feelings on a subject to thoughts. I don't understand how one can get lost in thought. I think people get lost in not thinking. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #558 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 4/6/99 ]