s$ $$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1007 [-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Ask Clyde, Version 4.0!" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Clyde $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 01/22/00 [-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ "TssT" "TssT" free advice! send your questions to clyde@hoe.nu! welcome to the "ask clyde" column! this here is our biggest advice column ever! "ask clyde" is an anonymous, free advice service! do you need free advice! send me an email and i will answer your questions! names are changed to protect those who submit questions! i also give advice on how to fight crime! remember -- crime does not pay! don't you agree! in this issue, stephen tries to kick his drinking habit, nathan surfs the web, fred wants to have cindy in bed, amy asks a really dumb question, janice talks about a fun web site, marjorie eats lots of chocolate and gets fat -- of course, and douglas wants me to write his fucking school essay -- but i'll give it a shot anyway! thank you for all of the fine questions this time around! keep them coming! now, let's hit it! [-----] > Dear Clyde, > How can I give up Jack Daniels even though I don't want to, cos I love > it so much? > Stephen dear stephen! listen! have you ever been to tennessee! it is a horrible place! sons of bitches have that horrible drawl-y accent! people who live there always go around and "y'all" everybody! they "y'all" at the gas station, "y'all" in church, and "y'all" in school! police officers "y'all" you when they give you a traffic ticket! judges "y'all" you when setting bail! it's all a bunch of "y'all amughnafv drinkabeer mnafeale cigarette adgmnnsdg go fishin'?"! what the hell is that! how can people that stupid make whiskey so good! but it's true! jack daniels is some really fine shit! so, i don't know! i probably can't help you with this! i think you should drink more of it, actually! drink up! driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk iiiiiiiittttttttttt! honestly, i don't know what your problem is! have a great day! clyde [-----] > Dear Clyde, > Sometimes when I'm surfing the web at home, I type in a URL or click on > a link and get this "Warning! Access denied! This site is locked by > ParentGuard" message. That is so annoying. Sometimes this even happens > when I'm trying to follow a link to amazon.com! Like, I tried to go > to a web site once about the movie "Naked Gun," and it blocked me! > Then on Amazon, I tried to order "Dead Poets Society" and it blocked > me again! What should I do? > Nathan nathan! here's what to do, little squirt! the way to control your browser instead of the other way around, is with java! using java, you can implement a browser-embedded browser! it's true! in java, write a browser program! then, use netscape or internet explorer to load your java browser! that's right! use your browser to browse into another browser! and browse the web from within your java browser! by using a piece of my java code, you can hide your browser from parentguard! isn't technology wonderful! i have written a java function which can hide your browser from the parentguard software! you will need to use this code in your java browser, otherwise, it won't work! to get this code i wrote, visit my home page! go to http://deadnakedbabies.net/java/browsers.html! haha! catch 22! clyde [-----] > Dear Clyde, > Cindy is my girlfriend. We have been dating for four months and we are > both 19 years old. However, every time I bring up the subject of sex, > she is firm on the point that she won't sleep with me. Why do you think > Cindy won't sleep with me? > Fred fred! fred fred fred! there are a lot of problems here! i assume that you met cindy through a friend! obviously you have been "set up" with someone who is "nice and caring"! this is not the kind of person who will give you bang for your buck! she probably wants to talk about her "feelings" and "dreams", and things like "lasting, fulfilling relationship" and asking you to "care for her needs"! rather than take her shopping for lubricants, she wants you to take her for walks in the park, romantic dinners, and sunsets on the beach! is this the kind of life you are looking for! luckily for you, i've been through all this before! woah, i was outta there fast! listen, chap! you need to sleep around! the whole "steady" relationship model is outdated! modern women have been corrupted by web sites like "ivillage.com" and "women.com" and all that! they feel "liberated" and "empowered" and all that shit! can you stand it! can you! the answer is no! you can't stand it! women need to think more like the sex bots us guys want them to be! so listen! you're 19! you want to score with younger women! (trust me -- you do!) go to some local high schools! attend the football games and the friday night dances! you'll find the kinds of girls (and cheerleading squads) you need to fill your bed! in other words, cindy probably won't ever sleep with you! so, find another cindy! clyde [-----] > Dear Clyde, > When I play computer games on my Windows computer, I frequently get a > crash. The screen turns blue and I have to turn the whole computer off > and back on again to fix it. I recently installed Dr. Watson and want > to know if that could be interfering with things. Can you help? > Amy how the hell did this get into my mailbox! i do not provide computer advice! actually, i do! get rid of your computer! listen! i usually tell people that i will answer any question and give free advice! but listen! i don't care about your computer problem! i don't want to help you! figure it out yourself and go away! i hope this helps! clyde [-----] > Dear Clyde, > I really enjoy your advice column and your bizarre sense of humor. > Sometimes it seems like you are insulting people, but I know you just > want them to get the best from themselves. I found a web site that does > something similar to what you do. Have you been to the forum2000.org > web site before? If not, check it out. > Janice janice! thank you for the kind words! i have not seen the site before but thank you for pointing me to it! excuse me for a moment while i check this out! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! hey, this site is a lot of fun! son of a bitch! i'm staying home from work today so i can play around on this site! the cube! what a side-splitter! this website is genius! perhaps this web site will give me new ideas for fighting crime! thank you, my good friend! clyde [-----] > Dear Clyde, > Lately I've been eating chocolate. Not just a little smidgen, but LOTS > AND LOTS of CHOCOLATE! Clyde, I now weigh 200lbs and gaining! I know I > should stop, but I can't! I supose I eat chocolate because I can't get > sex and because I'm fat I can't get sex, it just isn't possible. This > is a vicious cycle! Help me clyde. Should I go on a diet or should I > just kill myself now? I mean my family can sell my body to a perfume > company. I'm as fat as a whale, in fact, I am a whale! Oh whoe is me. > Marjorie dear marjorie! whales are beautiful animals! the sounds they emit as speech truly soothe the soul! in fact i have a cd at home that is just the sounds of the ocean waves and whales! i put it on "repeat" when i go to sleep sometimes! it makes me sad when there are tv shows about whale hunting! who wants to hunt a whale! what the hell good is a dead whale! those things are huge and they take up too much real estate when they wash ashore! makes me think twice about trying to buy that pacific coast beachfront property! even though they show those whale hunting shows, i really love the discovery channel! i've learned a lot by just watching that show! i would love for someone to stage a science experiment where a baby human lives his or her life entirely in front of a tv which is tuned to the discovery channel! imagine the things we could learn from this experiment! no exposure to other humans! not a second of mtv! no "real world" or "yo mtv raps" or "road rules"! no "channel surfing"! no video games! no state of alabama! no corrupt government! no brainwashing! just television -- perhaps the finest technological innovation ever! god, almost makes me want to go back to school and work towards a ph.d., just so i can work on this project! marjorie! thank you for giving me a new direction in life! you have motivated me to pursue higher education! cheers! clyde [-----] > Dear Clyde, > Well now, I am very concerned with knowing the answer to this very > important question: what is the most important advance of our century > (or even millenium?) Thank you kind esteemed sir. > Douglas sir! i will answer your question! however, my kind esteemed colleague, nick, would advise me that the millennium still has one more year to go! by the way, you mis-spelled "millennium," you jackass! but let us talk about some of the most important advances in our society for the past 100 and 1000 years! let me pause for a moment and remind you that i will not do your homework ever again! some of my friends might think i would refer to the television as one of the finest inventions ever! this is not true! no conversation of this kind would be complete without some discussion of the fine inventions of the phonograph and the lightbulb! now, most people would blabber some drivel like "the phonograph and the lightbulb are two of the finest inventions ever"! but this is a bunch of cack! the finer invention was actually thomas edison himself! his parents, who, without knowing about it in advance, invented thomas edison, who was, undoubtedly, one of the most brilliant inventors ever! do you like the way i just used six commas in one sentence! ha! i sure do! honestly though, what could ever be more beautiful than the well-used human brain! if only this world had more edisons and einsteins! god damn you, jerry springer! i won't get into it now, but i have a theory about how jerry springer is a direct ancestor of every piece of white trash on this planet! in any case, one of the best inventions in just the past few years is e-commerce! let me tell you something! a little cute graphical shopping cart on every web site in the world is my goal! we need to launch head-on into a world of buzzword-enabled technology like e-business, e-commerce, e-investing, e-petstores, e-bookstores, e-drugstores, e-toystores, e-carshopping, e-travelplanning, e-romance, and e-dining! i am an e-consumer! hear me roar! all this self-serving technology has also unfortunately transformed society in evil ways! young, geeky boys are learning how to set up web sites long before they learn how to maintain a conversation, or take a shower! so undoubtedly, the next technology to snap into place will be the industry of fertility commerce! using just a mouse and a web site, you guys out there can have your sperm shipped to a single woman in alaska so she can create a baby eskimo from your popscicle of love! all this without one second of social interaction or foreplay! all it takes is venture capital to make things happen! clyde [-----] all done here! thanks for sending me your questions! do you want your question published here! fire it off in an email to clyde@hoe.nu! bye for now! 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