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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1056
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$             "A Tale of Two Shitheads"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                         by Caitlin
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                      04/07/00
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     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

 PURSE SNATCHERS VICTIMIZE WAYNE WOMAN, 81

 An 81-year-old Wayne woman's purse was snatched from a shopping cart
 Monday afternoon while she walked out of the grocery store, police said.
 The incident occurred at 1:25 p.m. outside the Farmer Jack store on
 Michigan Avenue near Elizabeth street.

 The victim told police that while her back was turned, two young men
 approached on foot and grabbed the purse, which contained about $200 in
 cash and credit cards. The purse bandits ran off around the corner before
 the woman could even call for help, police said. The men who seized the
 purse were described as 15-18 years old and wearing jeans.

 Police urge anyone with information to call the Wayne Police Department 
 at (XXX) XXX-XXXX.

	A TALE OF TWO SHITHEADS

	"Hey maaan, thisss Slipknot album is bommmmb," Sean slurred.
	"Yeah duuude," his friend Mark replied, "I can't believe these
 guys are so doooope."
	They both paused for a second while Mark lit marijuana in the bowl
 of the corncob pipe he bought at the dollar store an hour previous.
	"Wasn't Ozzfest awwwesome?" Sean offered, lacking anything to say.
	"Yeah, man," Mark chimed in after a second, "... Here, take this."
	Sean took the small pipe they had been sharing and stared at it
for a second, "Bro, can I see your lighter?"
	"Yeah, man," Mark replied.
	"Thanks, dude."
	Sean held the end of the pipe firmly between his dry lips while
 lighting the bowl, sucking, and inhaling the pungent smoke.
	"Damn, dude," Mark said, "We should get some 'cid."
	Sean nodded at Mark and then exhaled, "Yeah man, that would be the
 shiiiiit."
	"You know," Mark started, "I'm all out of..."
	"DON'T SAY IT!" Sean yelled playfully, "... CIGARETTES."
	Mark exhaled the smoke he had been holding in his lungs for a few
 seconds, "Shit man... I don't have any money either."
	"Me neither," Sean said.
	"Dude... shit, this sucks hardcore," Mark said.
	"Yeah man, we never have money," Sean replied.
	They sat not talking for a minute, finishing that bowl and
 refilling it and began on the last of the marijuana. Finally, Sean broke
 the vocal silence, and interrupted the loud guitar and raspy lyrics on his
 stereo.
	"Man... I have an idea."
	"What, dude?" Mark questioned.
	"Let's go pick pocketing! I heard it's easy as shit, man. My fat
 sister was telling me about how people get away with it all the time at
 that casino in Windsor. Like... ALL the time, man."
	"No shit? Do you think we'd get in big trouble if we got caught?"
 Mark asked.
	"Nah, dude... we won't get caught! We're smooooth." Sean said and
 then got up from his mattress on the floor. Mark followed his cue, dropped
 the pipe on the ground near the mattress, and stood up to follow Sean.
	After Sean stole a menthol cigarette from his mother's case, Mark
 and Sean walked out the side door.
	They walked in silence until they got to the Farmer Jack's on
 Michigan Avenue near his house. They both stood near the door, passing the
 rest of the cigarette back and forth to each other until they finished it.
 They stood conspicuously near the entrance of the door for approximately
 22 minutes. Then, the perfect target came out of the door: a Little old
 lady, short, pushing a heavy cart full of bags, with her purse set on top
 of all the groceries.  Mark and Sean knew that this was the one.  Sean
 grabbed her purse and they both took off running. They ran as fast as they
 could around the corner of the store, across Elizabeth Street, and stopped
 behind the new bar that was on the corner of Elizabeth and Michigan
 Avenue.
	"Awwwwwwwwww shit, man," Mark said breathlessly.
	"We need to get the hell back to my house, dude," Sean said,
 choking and gasping for air.
	Mark and Sean started to walk back to Sean's house, which was just
 down the street. They both kept checking over their shoulders, but made it
 there quickly.
	They ran down the stairs to Sean's room quickly. They both
 collapsed on the mattress, as they were still sort of out of breath. They
 sat there for ten minutes. Finally, Sean spoke up.
	"SHIT, MAN! SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DID THAT! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! WE
 ARE THE SHIT!"
	"Check the purse, dude. Check the purse!" Mark said, proudly.
	Sean remembered quickly that they did, indeed, have a prize.
	Sean opened the wallet; "HOLY SHIT, MAN! TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS! HOLY
 SHIT! A WHOLE MESS OF CREDIT CARDS TOO! THIS IS GREAT! AWWW YEAH!"

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu     HOE #1056, BY CAITLIN - 4/07/00 ]