============================================================================ ********* *** *** ****** ********* *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** ** *** ********* ******* *** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** ** *** he *** *** umus *** ** eport THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s. Issue 006, Vol I June 1988 copyright (c) 1988 caren park chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole ============================================================================ A few words::: Well, it's been a little bit too long between issues, and I apologize for that, but things around my chaotic manor have been slightly more confused than normal. Fortunately, as I appear to be enjoying myself thoroughly, they don't promise to become any less confusing until xmastime. This issue will contain, among other things, the second in our never-ending series on phone answering machine messages, "Twilight Phone, The Sequel," as well as our usual assortment of odd and bizarre items... This show can thank the following people: Peter Klein ("RAYGN"), the inventor of phone answering machines AND the Phone Answering Machine Comedians of America (PAMCA), a few politicians, a director of surgery, a Chinese restaurant named "Hygiene" and, I'm sure, just a few other little goodies... So, without further adieu, on with the show... ============================================================================ "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..." ============================================================================ Birthdays for the month include numerous famous and infamous folk... Marilyn Monroe (1st, 1926), Marquis de Sade (2nd, 1740) and Pope Pius X (2nd, 1835)... Bjorn Borg (6th, 1956)... Mohammed, the original Islam prophet, was born on the 8th in 570... Frank Lloyd Wright (8th, 1869)... Paul McCartney ("Did you know that Paul McCartney was in a band BEFORE Wings?", 18th, 1942)... Martha Washington, our first First Lady under the latest Constitution of the United States (21st, 1732)... Pearl Buck (author of "The Good Earth, 26th, 1819)... and Helen Keller (27th, 1880)... A few computer people born in the month of June include: Blaise Pascal, who didn't know he would probably be more famous for the language named after him than for his mathematics (19th, 1623) and, Alan Turing, who was said to have done as much for the cause of the west during World War II as anyone, designer of the Turing Test for artifical intelligence (23rd, 1912)... Notable entertainers include Donald Duck (9th, 1934), who was always being upstaged by some rodent or other... Jacques Cousteau (11th, 1910), a man who has brought millions pleasure while he rakes in the bucks doing something he seems to enjoy doing... Henry Louis Gehrig, felled by a disease that acquired his name after it took his life (19th, 1903)... Garfield the Cat, lover of Lasagna, snappy comebacks and independence at all costs (19th, 1978)... Abner Doubleday, who is credited with inventing the all-American pasttime that crams 20 minutes of action into a 2+-hour experience... and Bob Keeshan, affectionately known by kids of all ages for more than 30 years as "Captain Kangaroo" (27th, 1927)... Oh, and a merry birthday anniversary greeting to Henry VIII of England (28th, 1491), who always had others become head-over-heels about him... so to speak... "Casey at the Bat" was first published by the San Francisco Examiner on the 3rd in 1888... "Dragnet" first polluted the airways exactly 61 years later on KFI (Los Angeles)... Me, I think I appreciate "Casey" more... Lots of days around... Egg Day (3rd), Old Maid's Day (4th, though whoever gave the day that name I'd like to invite to a barbeque, where they would become part of the entree...), Kamehameha Day (11th in Hawaii), Kitchen Klutzes of America Day AND The National Asparagus Festival (13th... kinda says it all, doesn't it?), National Bald Eagles Day (20th), Midsummers' Day (24th), and National Fink Day on the 27th... Ada Lovelace meets Charles Babbage for the first time (5th, 1833)... even if you aren't interested in computers at all, this "affair" should be one that you would want to delve into deeper... The first drive-in movie theatre opens in the heart of the depression (not to mention Camden, NJ, too) on the 6th, 1933... The first commercially-made ice cream was sold in New York on the 8th, 1786 (no mention as to flavor, quality, advertising dollars, or franchise rights)... The first Apple Computer Apple II computer was launched on the 10th, 1977... less than three years later, they'd shipped a few more... On the 13th, 1983, Pioneer 10 is the first man-made object to leave the solar system... Bunson invented his first burner on the 14th, 1847, giving lots of chem and physics students something to burn chemicals and pyrex tubing with... The first motion picture (used 12 cameras, too) was caused to happen on the 15th, 1878... It was done initially to see if all four of a horse's hooves left the ground during a gallop. Leland Stanford, original proprieter of Snodfart University in Palo Alto sorta, bet that they didn't... He lost... The first woman in space was Valentina Tereshkova (CCCP) on the 16th, 1963, aboard Vostok 6... The first Watergate break-in of any consequence occurred on the 17th, 1972... Macadamia nuts were first planted in Hawaii on the 18th, 1892. This fails to explain, however, why the nuts are still so damned expensive. You'd think they'd have figured out how to lower prices by now... Ed Sullivan begins a Sunday night tradition (as Ed himself would call it, his "reeeeeelly big shoooeee") on the 20th, 1948... The first donut was invented on the 22nd, 1847. It is unknown at this time when the "doughnut" was invented... Pluto, our 9th planet, is discovered to have something called "Charon" orbiting it on the 22nd, 1978. No connection between the donut and Charon has yet been established... The Battle of Bunker Hill is fought on Breed's Hill on the 16th, 1775... Flying saucers were first sighted and identified as being flying saucers (as opposed to "... that weird thing in the sky ..." on the 24th, 1947, by someone named Kenneth near Mount Rainier (the only mountain named for a beer that I can think of) in Washington state... Five Canterbury monks report something exploded on the Moon on the 25th, 1178... We were unable to find out what herbs were placed in their dinner plates that night. Research continues... And, a giant fireball/comet/meteorite/ spaceship/something fell from the sky into Central Siberia and rocked the Earth before Buddy Holly, on the 30th, 1908... For you future folk, a transit of Venus will occur on the 8th, 2004... write that one down on the calendar... Father's Day occurs on a Sunday this month, too... I think it's the 19th... And, the big news item of 1820: The tomato was proven to be edible (not poisonous) on the 28th... The things you can learn by reading The Humus Report... Boggles the mind... ============================================================================ Some people have to work to think "differently," and others simply have it thrust upon them at birth... I'm not entirely sure where this next piece comes from, but I do know that the author was probably born... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Theory of Dark Suckers For years it was believed that light wes emitted from an electric bulb; recent information has proven otherwise --- dark is sucked into the bulb --- therefore, the bulb is a dark sucker. There are many types and sizes of dark suckers. The largest manufacturers of dark suckers are General Electric and Sylvania. Some modern dark suckers utilize solid power to operate properly. Solid power units can be purchased from Eveready, Exide, and Duracell. The dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark suckers as well as proving that dark is heavier than light. Some examples are as follows: Electric bulbs: There is less dark near the electric bulb than at a distance of 100 feet when it is operating; therefore, it is sucking dark and can be classified as a dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the greater the distance it can suck dark. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity of dark. The dark sucking capabilities are evident when the dark sucker has reached its capacity and will no longer suck dark. At that point, you may notice the dark area on the inside portion of the dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the larger the area of dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be made directional by placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it. This will prevent dark from entering the dark sucker from that side thereby extending the range of the dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded side. Candles: primitive dark suckers: There is more dark 30 feet from a lit candle than there is at a distance of 3 feet. Proof of its dark sucking capabilities is relatively simple. Examine a new unused candle, notice that the center core is not dark. Ignite the center core. Allow the center core to burn for about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark around the candle. Extinguish the candle flame. Notice that the center core of the candle is now dark. The center core is a dark sucker protected by a soft insulator to extend its life expectancy and maintain rigidity to verify that this primitive dark sucker is operating properly. Ignite the center core and allow it to burn for a minimum of 2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the flame, left to right, approximately 3 inches above the center core. Notice that there is no dark on the pencil. Pass the pencil over the center core now about 1/2 inch. Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil blocked the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker. This type dark sucker is very primitive and does not suck dark any great distance, nor does it have a large capacity. Dark sucker solid power units may be purchased locally at a variety of outlets. Size does not determine the life expectancy of the dark sucker solid power unit. These solid power units work with many modern dark suckers, and absorb dark from the dark sucker. The absorbed dark is converted to solid power within the unit. An example of the conversion of dark into solid power in the automobile of today: Notice an auto in use during dark hours. Two (possibly four) large dark suckers are located on the front. On the rear there are two (or 3) smaller dark suckers with red filters. You may also notice several dark suckers with yellow filters. These filters are required to remove a percentage of red and yellow from total dark so as to energize the solid power unit. The solid power unit permits the auto to be utilized during hours of no dark by the dark it has absorbed. The number of dark suckers varies with the age of the automobile. Newer automobile solid power units require a greater percentage of red-filtered dark. Older units generally require more non-filtered dark. The solid power unit of the automobile has a dark interior. This can be proved by cutting the solid power unit in half. Dark is heavier than light. Dark always settles to the bottom of a lake and/or river. Submerge just below the surface of a lake and you will notice an absence of dark. Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surface and you will notice a degree of darkness even on a sunny, bright day. Lower yourself to 50 feet (or more) below the surface and you are in total dark. Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark is heavier than light. Modern technology has allowed us to utilize the dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers through the creation of turbines which push the dark downriver to the ocean, which has a larger holding capacity for dark and is a common safe storage location. As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of solid power is removed and transmitted to various short term storage plants for many usages. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to move the dark from rivers to storage areas such as deep lakes or the ocean. The Indians would paddle their canoes very little and not very deeply if they were going in the direction of flow of dark so as not to slow it down. However, if they were traveling opposite the natural flow of dark, they would dig their paddles very deep and rapidly to assist the flow of dark to its ocean storage place. Dark is faster than light. If you would open a drawer very slowly, you will notice that the light goes into the drawer. You can see this happen. You cannot see the dark leave the drawer. Continue to open the drawer and light will continue to enter the drawer; however, you will not see any dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than light. Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker. Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not see any dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your friend open the door until half the closet is dark and half is light. Since 2 objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster than light. One last proof. What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by-product of dark suckers? Heat again. Therefore, a dark sucker generates heat during its operation, sucking dark from the surrounding area ============================================================================ Speaking of folks that don't think along the same lines as "normal" folk, Peter Klein is a programmer who works in the Seattle area. This is not to say that he doesn't think "normally," nor is this to point out that the Seattle area in general has more than its share of such people. Such disclaimers aren't necessary when dealing with people who share common interests, even though those interests aren't the only aspects that appeal to one such as myself during particular phases of the Moon... Oh. Where was I? Oh, yeah... Peter is a nice guy, and his politics just happen to coincide with mine from time to time... For example, now... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- After recent telecasts of the "Barbara Walters Special" and "Bedtime For Bonzo," I dreamed of the following scenario: IRRITATING FEMALE VOICE: Hewo, this is Baba Wawa at the White House. We wiw be tawking with Pwesident and Mrs. Wonald Waygun, who will weveal incwedible puhsonal wevawations about their puhsonawities and pehsenol wives. [COMMERCIAL for Investment Securities Firm] IRRITATING FEMALE VOICE: Mistaw Pwesident. is it twoo that theah is a new computah wangwidge named aftuh you? REASSURING GRANDFATHERLY VOICE: Gee... I don't know. Nancy, what do you think? Here's what Baba Wawa was talking about, taken from John Divorceact's column in INFOWHIRL. ---------- BLUECHIP SOFTWARE ANNOUNCES RAYGN --- AN OLD LANGUAGE IN NEW CLOTHES by Peter A Klein In an attempt to crack more conservative markets, BlueChip Software has introduced a new computer language, RAYGN. RAYGN is an enhanced version of Orange County BASIC, which is in turn a highly refined version of "Hoover Trojan Horse BASIC" (though its authors vehemently deny this, we've seen the code -- Ed.). Like interpreted BASIC, RAYGN is comfortable, old and a little slow. It is very good at simple graphics. It is often inaccurate. But somehow the manual always manages to convince the user that it is his perception of the problem (rather than RAYGN's answer) that is actually wrong. Ordinary people like RAYGN because it is simple, direct, and reminds them of less complicated times. RAYGN offers many extensions to BASIC. It features a new logical function, MORAL, sometimes called "Falwell's Contextual Boolean." MORAL(x) may evaluate to either TRUE or FALSE regardless of the actual value of x. All that matters is whether x is on the left or right side of an expression. A new function called KEISTER has been added, but nobody is sure what it does. Fixed-point variables of types MILDOLLAR, BILDOLLAR and TRILDOLLAR have been added. These may only have negative values (though positive values have been promised in time for the next release). When using these variable types, a function called COST$2MUCH may be employed. COST$2MUCH(x) always evaluates to TRUE, unless the expression 4DEFENSE(x) is also true, in which case RAYGN will double or triple the value of x. RAYGN's authors believe that their style of programming and memory resource allocation is the ONLY true way to program. Thus, RAYGN's automatic housecleaning facilities are, shall we say, a bit aggressive. It will eliminate any variables it believes are wasteful or unnecessary. It may even do this while the variables are in use! It is then the responsibility of the user to trim his program or give up on it. According to RAYGN's developers, this encourages the writing of tight code. Further, if RAYGN discovers any other languages or software in its directories, it will attempt to reorganize them according to its own principles. Normally, this does not matter, because users of RAYGN are so devoted that they wouldn't dream of using another language, anyway. However, hard disk users should be careful to keep other software in separate directories. This will often suffice, because RAYGN will normally not interfere with programs in other directories unless they are very small, employ annoyingly flashy graphics, or attempt to write to RAYGN's directories. But certain software is incompatible with RAYGN and may not exist on the same disk with it. RAYGN's authors are unalterably opposed to programs that make use of bitwise left shift operators. If RAYGN detects even the slightest use of left shift, it will attempt to recode or destroy the offending program regardless of what directory it is in. It does no good to have such files write-protected, because RAYGN will then switch to direct hardware calls (known as "covert disk operations"). RAYGN has some very limited "artificial intelligence" capabilities. It can detect syntax errors and constructions inconsistent with its developers' philosophy of programming, even before the RETURN key is pressed. When such conditions occur, RAYGN will display the warning message, "Go ahead, make my day!" When RAYGN encounters a problem it can't solve, it will always default to routines in the library PRIVATSEC.TOR. This library has been somewhat unstable of late, so results are uncertain. RAYGN may be identified by the prompt string "Well...>" If the angle bracket fails to appear, RAYGN is "asleep" and not ready for input. The user must press RETURN several times until the bracket appears. RAYGN is highly compatible with a pointing device known as the "PC Meese," which is also available from RAYGN's developers. It has been noted that the language responds much quicker to the Meese than to input from the keyboard, or any other device ============================================================================ And unfortunately, of course, RAYGN software comes with a user license for eight years, and a warranty that things will probably go wrong long after the license expires... I would like to believe that there is some justice in the world for the little guy; you know the one... S/he's been hard at work for eight hours every day, making enough money to buy little trinkets that enhance the quality of life beyond food, clothes and a roof... We'd like to believe in a fairy tale land where the big guys, the corporations, the incorporations, and the companies, the lawyers, the doctors, the software publishing firms altruistically helped the little guy... where they were all held accountable for quality and selection... where, when things went wrong, there was no question of letting you "go it alone"... where this "warranty" would never be thought of, much less wished for fervently... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CAREFULLY READ ALL THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THIS AGREEMENT PRIOR TO TAKING THIS PAYMENT TO THE BANK. CASHING THIS CHECK INDICATES YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. If you do not agree to these onerous and unreasonable conditions, return the uncashed check within two to four days, whichever comes first, and your program will be refunded. No programs will be returned if you reveal the exact amount of this check to any living human. 1. LICENSE: This check can only be used at a single bank. It may not be cashed with any branch offices, unless the branch office at which the aforementioned check is being cashed is the only branch of that bank that is open anywhere in the world at that moment. You may physically transfer this check to another branch office, as long as you have never shown this check to anyone at the first office. 2. BOOKKEEPING: You may make one copy of this check for your tax records, but you may not show the copy to anyone... ever... I mean it. 3. TERM: This check is valid for thirty (30) days. Should the paper disintegrate, or exhibit spontaneous combustion, you be sure to let me know. 4. LIMITED WARRANTY: The best for last. THIS CHECK IS PROVIDED "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF FINANCIAL VALUE OR LIQUIDITY. THE ENTIRE RISK THAT THIS CHECK CAN BE CASHED, OR THAT IT IS EVEN DRAWN ON A BANK THAT ACTUALLY EXISTS ON THE PLANET EARTH IS ASSUMED BY YOU. Should the check prove defective, you, not I, assume the entire cost of all necessary, but fruitless, efforts at reimbursement. 5. UPDATE POLICY: The licensee must return twelve (12) copies of the enclosed Market Survey in order to be eligible for copies of my new address and phone number. Each survey must contain different information --- photo-copying is NOT allowed. 6. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: You acknowledge that you and at least two of your attorneys have read this agreement, understand it and are prepared to repeat it from memory at any time. You further agree and promise that this agreement is the full, complete and exclusive agreement between the party of the first part (me) and the party of the second part (that's you) and that this agreement supercedes all prior agreements, including the one pasted on the back of the pretty box in which you ship your floppy diskettes. 7. REMEMBER, YOU PROMISED! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- One might wonder what the bank would think of something like that, especially if it were imprinted in "fine print" upon every check? I can't help but chuckle at the thought... :) ============================================================================ About three or four months ago, we ran a little piece on phone answering machine messages... Well, we have a few more to add to our ever- increasing library of odd, and we'd like to share them with you... Welcome back to... Twilight Phone, The Sequel... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fill your outgoing phone machine message tape with a busy signal, or a ring/chirp/click/dialtone sequence. Only people who know that your machine is filled with 'signal' and those dumb enough to hang on for the beep will be able to leave a message ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fill your outgoing phone machine message tape with a speech by a well-known politician type, the snow report, or the weather in Tampa/St Petersburg ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shortest answering machine message so far is just a hurried, harried "WHAT?!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- *ring* "Hello. I'm really nervous. I'm doing a message for my very first time. I hope I'm good. And I hope I don't finish too soon. Here goes: 'Leave your name and number at the tone.' ...AHHHHHH! Was it as good for you as it was for me?" *beep* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- *ring* "If you are selling something, I am broke and a bad credit risk. If you are giving something away, I'll take all ya got, but the delivery is at your expense, and I will agree to nothing. If you want to ask a few questions, I get two hundred dollars an hour for consulting, one hour minimum, cash in advance. If you want a donation, think for a moment; I can't afford to hire a person to call you, so why don't you donate something to me?" *beep* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taking a small recorder to the ape house at the zoo and recording an excited group of primates makes for an effective answering machine tape ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The outgoing message on a friend's machine was made up of actual Mother Bell phone system error messages. It went like this: *ring* "The party you have called is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by..." *ring* "The number you have called must be dialed by your 0 operator" *click, beep, dial tone* ============================================================================ The news... such an integral part of our life, and yet we tend to ignore it so blindly... If it weren't for news, we wouldn't be able to bring you such well-written items as these you have before you... Behold... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To wash or not to wash your car, that is the dilemma in Moscow. Lawmakers with an uncanny feel for a Catch-22 have devised the cleanliness rules for Moscow's estimated half-million private motorists. Drivers can be fined up to 10 rubles ($11.50) by traffic police if they're caught at the wheel of a car officially rated as dirty. On the other hand, washing a car inside the city limits is against the law. A violation on this count can result in a fine of 30 rubles or more. But there's more. Washing a car out in the country, at a river, lake or reservoir, carries an even heavier penalty --- 100 rubles or more. So, one would reason, go to a carwash. But that's another "Gotcha!" There are carwashing stations in the capital --- but not nearly enough to meet the needs of private car owners. In fact, the government newspaper Izvestia figures, only 1 percent of the city's private cars could be cleaned in these stations if they were open 24 hours a day. Discouraged? Hold on. All the carwashers in the Moscow metropolitan area are on the fringes of the city. It's a one-hour journey to and from them, with several hours of waiting. So anyone who admits using such a carwash should be fired for absenteeism, Izvestia says - 04 June 1985 Moscow LA Times - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The director of surgery at a New York hospital says slim people in general stand a better chance of surviving a jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and slender women have an even better chance of living through the 160-foot fall. Dr Howard Richman should know. His hospital is located at the base of the bridge - 05 June 1985 NYC UPI - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman who allegedly planned to use a stolen 10-speed bicycle to escape after a bank robbery discovered too late that a thief had made off with the bike during her holdup, police said. Roberta Sikoff, 26, of Culver City, California, was arrested for investigation of robbery Friday after a holdup at Home Savings of America. Sikoff had pedaled to the bank on a bicycle she allegedly stole earlier Friday, Officer Andy Hischar said. But when she ran from the bank, the bike was gone. Police said an undisclosed amount of money was recovered after the holdup and the woman was being held in lieu of $6,000 bail - 16 June 1985 West Covina California AP - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From "Off the Wire": Eighty people were hospitalized with food poisoning after a wedding banquet at a Wuzhou, China, restaurant called Hygiene - 06 June 1987 - International Falls, Minn, dubbed the "icebox of the nation," is spending $18,000 to build a 22-foot thermometer - 06 June 1987 - Joe Bell, treasurer of San Bernadino County, California, died of a heart attack minutes after leaving an exercise class designed to reduce stress among county executives - 06 June 1987 - When a voter send Michigan state Senator John Kelly a critical letter, Kelly wrote back, "Suck eggs, you 'fed up citizen'" - 06 June 1987 - [ed: can you imagine a state senator getting so riled? :)] ============================================================================ And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than myself (hi, kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think? If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to: caren park 2557 Fourteenth Avenue West Suite 501 Seattle, Washington 98119 (01 January 1992) We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for our survival... We leave you now with a few thoughts... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bosses are like dirty diapers: Full of shit and all over your ass ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over - Boswell - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The mind has a thousand eyes, And the heart but one; Yet the light of a whole life dies, When love is done - Bourdillon - ...until next month...