PETE AND BERNIES PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE. ISSUE 3, AND IT'S 1995 BY JINGO! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Written and/Or inspired by:- D.L (that's me). Pee Wee Lee (he's a little guy with a big heart) Yoshi Tateshi (or something else I can't spell) Sven Spangler (He's a twatter, or rather not to date) Pete Murrey (of Murrey mint fame) Bernard Bressley (of Carry-on 'oaf' fame) Special guest star... Ben Ohmart Also staring... Pippa Henderson (as Connie the Maid) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Foreword Well kiddies Christmas is over and I hope Satan bought you all what you wanted. I wanted a PPC upgrade for my LC475 but the bastard didn't bring me one, I also wanted Mariah Carey but she was off stealing babies and so I didn't have her. I don't ever fancy Mariah Carey, she reminds me too much of this guy who used to play Bass in a band I was in a few years ago. Well, our numbers are swelling and the subby's are still rolling in. SING HOSANNA! This issue will be jam packed with folly and I hope you like it. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article one: 6 American Gladiators pummelling a corpse with a oar. FILM STAR FACTS: This week it's Michael J Fox. 1) Michael J Fox is the finger puppet of Satan. 2) Michael is slowly regressing. He was born a fully grown man but will die a foetus. 3) Michael loves nothing better than stroking the smooth scaly skin of a MantaRay. 4) Michaels favourite sport is Tiny Discus. His favourite discus is made from the top of a Smarties tube and has the letter K on it. He once threw a Smartie top with the letter J on it but was dismayed to see it return, boomerang like, to him whilst striking a small child in it's course. This is an ongoing trauma to Michael. 5) Michaels favourite sound is that of the men working in the chain gang. 6) Michael expresses himself through a series of whine-like noises emitted through his nose. 7) Michael's sister is none other than British tit sensation Samantha Fox. You may remember Samantha from her 1988 pop hit's 'Touch me (I want to feel your body)' and 'Jizz in my pubes (but the pant's stay on)'. She is now a successful zealot. 8) Michael put his ear to his wall once only to hear a murder in the flat next door. When he went round there to tell them to keep it down he was dismayed to find John F. Kennedy shot dead and an unknown man (later identified as Burl Ives) with a big fancy gun in his hand. Michael phoned the police and they gave him a 10 dollar cash reward which he spent on cakes from a new cake shop which had just opened round the corner. And he has an unusual way of proving it. 9) The J in Michael J fox stands for Jehovah. 10) Michael got arrested once for syphoning dish water from a dead seagulls belly. It was a fair cop. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article two: A steam powered nose is OK John, but you'll never make a living from it. Things you never see on TV at Christmas.... * Liza Minella being raped by a gang of Portuguese dwarfs. * Andie McDowell sitting on a Rabbi's head. * Michael Nymans Hyman. * A large building falling into the hands of a small child. * Russian police laughing at Nine Cats. * Douglas Barder wheeling himself into a burning building and emerging with nothing on but a tutu and blonde wig. * Keith Moon throwing paint at a crow. * Her Majesty the Queen spitting at a painting of Sting. * A 40ft clock which is permanently seven minutes fast. * Various crabs running to feed a cow. * An Eskimo staring spellbound at Carp. * A large man in a Blue leotard throwing midget's at a clown. * A painting of a fist next to a duck. * Five guys named Moe. * Ice Cube saying 'Flan' to a Jew. * David Hasslehoff being force fed girl scout cookies. * A large bag to 2 year old girls. I mean , what is wrong with TV in England, it's just so bloody crap! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article three: I love children, physically if need be. Christmas parties are not neat, they are shit. It's always the same deal, you go, get messed up and leave feeling like a twat. It always starts off promising, you are suave and undrunk, but as you get drunker you start being a mite Len Fairclough and then things start getting out of hand. you think you are being cool but with hindsight you realise this is not the case, it's like 'HEY I LIKE YOUR DRESS!!' and the girl looks at you and goes '???????' and starts backing off like she's just entered a room full of Alien Cacoons. We are all no good with pick up lines though, at parties we try to be so supercool but we have NO FUCKING IDEA. And it's always the way that the girls who try to dance with you are dog ugly and the ones who don't want to know are really cute and you end up shunning the ugly ones at the beginning of the evening but by the end you think that all the girls look good because you're really really pissed and you end up with a really ugly girl and then you get nowt anyway and we don't really expect it because we're not like that but when we're drunk we can't help but want to have sex and if, by some fucking miracle, we did get to have sex we'd be so drunk that we wouldn't be able to do owt. The worst part of Christmas parties is the following day when you realise just how much of a twat you were. the previous evening everything seemed just dandy, you were thinking how suave and sophisticated you were, but when you think back on it the next day you see it with brutal clarity. And if you see anyone else you met at the party on the street at any time in the following 3 weeks you must avoid them because even though you can't remember too much you just know that they would have been taking notes or something and will be able to give you a detailed, blow-by-blow, account of just how much of an asshole you really were. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Four: Piggie KILL Sideburns are shitty and I'd never have them. I shave off my sideburns but if I had to grow them I'd definitely go for the Dr. Phibes all-the-way under the chin double-flange arc sweep style. None of my friends have sideburns except Richie who used to have double-humperdink one-inchers which looked a bit silly. Of course another ideal solution would be the Graham Gardner pork-chop semi-split 2-way-binge-burn style. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Five: Michael Douglas caught propping up a pie with gum. FACTS FOR YOU TO SAVOUR- They're interesting, informative, and fundamentally wrong. * The three most known words in the world are 'Coke', 'Beatles', and 'Vague'. * the fastest animal known to man is the aardvark. * Douglas Barder is the Holiest man in Britain. * Film 'mogul' Otto Preminger has the largest collection of latex in the world. * Light is seven times faster then soap. * Ketchup is made from a mixture of ants blood and vinyl. * Bruce Forsyth invented sound. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Six: Grown Men in love with insects. INTERNET: Corruptor of children. The internet. Harmless fun? As more and more people get onto the 'information motorway' the trade in hardcore kiddie/anal porn is flourishing. Dr Keith Thisstlewaite, our resident expert in all matters pornographic, takes a look at the way the new technology will set out to corrupt our youth and, possibly, destroy life on earth as we love it. -------------------------------------------------------------- (Exclusive extracts from 'Internet:Corrupter of society', published by Faber and Faber, £19.95, available in shops now) The internet. Harmless fun? As more and more people get onto the 'information motorway' the trade in hardcore kiddie/anal porn is flourishing. For the last week I have been looking very hard at pornography on the internet and my findings are sure to shock Dad's everywhere. USERNET NEWGROUP GROUPS- The starting point for any pornography sick hunter of flesh will undoubtedly be Usernet groupnews news (or WWW for short). Here you will be confronted with images so sick that it would not be fair for me to describe any of these shit-in-the-mouth, donkey-dick-up-a-girls- arse type pictures all of which are a simple click away. With sick Usenewsgroups such as: Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.donkeys.dicks Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.girls.drinking.monkey.piss Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.girls.shitting.in.blokes.mouths. Parents can't help but feel week and sick. If the abundance of sicko porn on the useusenewsuse groups isn't enough for these sick men then the next step is what's referred to by perverts as FPT sites.... PFT sites: It is believed that there are over 120,000 hardcore,cum-in-hand, porno TCP sites on the internet. These sites can be accessed by children as young as 5 and contain some of the worst examples of degradation known to man, all at the push of a button. You would think that with all this pornography that these PTP sites would try and keep quiet about their wares but the truth is far more sinister. With one simple post, asking for addresses of such shite, to the USENEWS group alt.binaries.pictures.cartoons, I received literally thousands of replies detailing the exact whereabouts of somewhere in the region of 900 hardcore FTF sites. Shocking. Within an hour I had 'downloaded' over 500 pictures, that's 1000 megabits of shame, which I immediately printed out and took to my local police station for further action. Suffice it to say that within the hour the police had arrested the perverts responsible and seized over 9000 floppy dicks full of these sick images. So where is this technology leading us? To the very core of hades. I believe that without some legislation, or even better simply cutting the internet up with big wire-clippers, the world will end by the year 1997 at the latest. Think about it. ACT NOW. Stop these perverts while you can. but how? you ask. Simple, nip this sick wave of electronic porn in the bud, kill the bastards responsible and anyone you find partaking. This is the only way we can beat it. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Seven: Falling to the floor with mutton in my hand, treated like Kermit. Barbie rocks, Sindy's Shit. This may seem like a pretty fucking sweeping statement I'm making and you may wish me to justify my feelings. The situation is this, Barbie is cute and has a long graceful neck but Sindy has a shorter neck and a square head and that shit isn't attractive it's diabolical. Ken is a twat and I'm not saying that because I'm jealous at all I'm just saying it because it's true. Barbie has only made 2 big mistakes 1)The glitter hair look. This is the 90's honey, one look at your glitter hair and you'd think it was the early 80's again. 2)Bedtime Barbie. the Barbie I know doesn't wear a pink sleeping bag to bed, she wears pyjamas, preferably black silk, so put away your fucking sleeping bag Barbie and get on those sexy things I bought you. Apart from Bedtime Barbie and The glitter hair look Barbie has always had her finger on the pulse of fashion and for that she must be thanked.... ----------------------------- Dear Barbie, Hi, I am a big fan of your, how you say, cute bunny ass. You rock bitch and here in Oslo we love your sexy looks for a sexy look doll you rock bunny- honey. How you come over to Oslo and meet your many fan, we lick you bunny ass and spread your bunny legs honey and we make you have sex with ken, at gunpoint, in the Barbie camper van,it's so big. We love your baby plastic titties, they are so small and they look like 10 year girl but we like plastic titties with no nipples like your Barbie titties we love so much. Please you write me letter and I use it for masturbation purposes and my friends and we all have satan dance round letter and kill children for use please you do? Love Sven Spangler. Oslo. ---------------- Dear SvvEn, Unfortunately Barbie cannot answer every letter she receives personally but please except, on her behalf, a signed photograph of the worlds favourite doll. You will be pleased to know that in 1995 we, at Mattell, intend to bring out a whole new range of accessories for Barbie and we hope that you will enjoy these as much as you have enjoyed our previous successes. Yours sincerely, Kelly Anderson (on behalf of Barbie) Head of Marketing, Barbie Division. Mattell toys inc. --------------------- Dear Barbie, I have written letter you and sent but you not answer me and bitch Kelly Anderson she write for you and I want you write me or I kill Kelly bitch for stopping you write. I love you much Barbie and I think you not read my letter I sent and I told you I wanted to meet you and you are pretty and I love you but Kelly bitch make me angry and I tell friends and we dance satan round fire and say 'Kelly Anderson she die' a thousand times and she die? you write back to me personally and I come to see you and not I kill you. Love, Sven Spangler. Oslo. ---------------------- Dear SvvEn, Unfortunately Barbie cannot answer every letter she receives personally but please except, on her behalf, a signed photograph of the worlds favourite doll. You will be pleased to know that in 1995 we, at Mattell, intend to bring out a whole new range of accessories for Barbie and we hope that you will enjoy these as much as you have enjoyed our previous successes. Yours sincerely, Kelly Anderson (on behalf of Barbie) Head of Marketing, Barbie Division. Mattell toys inc. ------------------------ Kelly Bitch, You stop writing me and let Barbie write me or I kill you. Svven Spangler, Oslo. -------------------------- Dear SvvEn, Hello. I'm barbie. I got your letter. I love you. You are my best fan. You wrote to Kelly. She's my friend. Please don't write to her anymore. I am very busy. Please don't write to me anymore. Please. FOR GODS SAKE LEAVE US ALONE! Barbie doll. ---------------------------- Dear Barbie, I leave you alone alright, in you grave. You don't fuck with me, I the Meatrack master. You must die and Kelly bitch, she die too. I come to get you Barbie Bitch. You don't and mess me and I get so very angry and the voices they start and I kill you. Sven, Oslo. ----------------------------- Sven, As the legal representatives for Mattell Toys inc it is our duty to inform you that your letters harassing Miss Kelly Anderson, an employee of Mattell Toys inc, have been filed safely and will be used in evidence against you should you persist in writing letters of this kind. I must warn you that the offence you are committing is a serious one and may result in severe fines, or even a stretch in jail. We trust that you would not want this situation to go on any longer and are therefor sure that all correspondence to Miss Anderson will stop henceforth. Your sincerely, M.T.Cockburn, Gangtire and Brown, New York. ---------------------- Mr. Cockburn, I no write more. I'm sorry. I will kill you not and not Barbie and not Kelly bitch. Sven. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Eight: Anna Chlumsky with a smile and a prosthetic dick. Here are 5 surefire ways of getting the sack (you know, from work and that) * Rape your bosses daughter. Or better yet rape your boss. * Run into an important meeting and shout to your boss 'It's your wife and kids.....they're DEAD!' and then run into the corner of the room and gyrate. * Order 400 boxes of expensive Chocolates on the consumable budget and fill his office with them with a note saying 'from an admirer' and a picture of you in the nude with a large erection (unless you are female in which case a picture of Bill Clintons head superimposed onto the body of a priest (or something)) * Steal a company car and crash it in a ditch with a note blaming your boss. * Use your bosses PC to FTP to a hardcore site and then leave it overnight downing every file they have. When your boss arrives in the morning be in his offices wanking over them, tell him what you've done and then invite him to join you for a gangwank. That should do the trick.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article nine: Men desperate to disguise their shiny scalp. We have noticed that P&B has gone right downhill as of about two articles ago and we would like to get it back on it's feet again. You will be aware by now that the distribution has increased, and in return fir this we want to offer you more. In order to do this, however, we need to know what type of things you want us to organize. Accordingly we would appreciate you taking the time to fill in this questionnaire. Here is a list of the types of events we have thought about organizing. Please indicate which ones you would be interested in (mark as many as you like): Silly sport's day (It's a knockout) ________ All day ice skating ________ Ten pin bowling ________ Skittles ________ Talking loudly at geese ________ Demonstrations against injustices ________ Craft fair/sale/jamboree ________ Various all-star extravaganza's ________ Theatre trips: Musicals ________ Comedy ________ Drama ________ Live sex shows ________ Mass suicide ________ Badger bating ________ Games of soggy biscuit ________ Swimming in piss ________ Dances: Disco ________ Barn dancing ________ Moshing ________ Cheese evenings ________ Cock fights ________ We are considering the possibility of perhaps buying some items of perhaps DIY or sports equipment maybe for hire to readers on the cheap perhaps. Do you think this is a fucking dope idea? YES/NO If so please let us know which items you would find useful Carpet/upholstery cleaner ________ Paint stripper ________ Barbecue ________ Baseball bat's ________ Whores ________ Winged mammals ________ Would you consider becoming part of Europes biggest porno mag library? YES/NO Isn't P&B the biggest pile of toss you've ever seen? YES/NO Thankyou for taking the time to fill in this questionnaire, please E-Mail it to someone (NOT US) who may be intensely confused by receiving it in their mailbox. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article ten:...... Mr Ben Ohmart, who you should remember from the short story last issue. Mailed us another one and I like his short stories so here is the new one. I feel I must warn you that it's not like the other articles in this E-Zine (but if you read last issue you'll know just what to expect).... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Silky by ben ohmart I was watching as she finished up, "- great hair. Go out and get it." Then she smiled for years going on days, but I still didn't like that fleck of white that was gracing her cheek. Moving around. Looking some kind of nomadic pimple that you can't even squirt. A speck of light. I told the director she looked like a Crawford slut-alike (who herself was coasting on Marilyn Monroe's facial disfigurement with that huge black mole; a black mole in space, ha, ha), but he said he liked the take, and what am I? Just a guy moves the lights back and forth. A nobody with the kind of opinion that makes you feel like a bus driver. Always the same route. Never go where you want. So the bitch got up, and creased her cheeks because you've got to get like 10 to 15 full seconds of smiling at the end so that editors and tv programmers have something to cut, so I knew her smile had cut into the bone. Matter of fact, she was bleeding in the cushion of the best white towels on the market. The kind that feel like tissues but you wouldn't wipe your ass on them. She went back to her cart. A mobile job that worked on a battery and had lit mirrors and powder cakes of some kind of sizes. Strange. Looked real bulky on that cart, as she lifted out. Matter of fact, the fucking thing was making all kinds of whirring noises I just didn't understand right then, like there was more weight on it than usual, as she went to the trailer that was hers for the weekend shoot. She still had some close-ups to do, but the director needed a whack off, and told everyone "Coffee!" I got the power cable finally. Did the adjustment, because what my "boss" didn't see for the next shot, he wouldn't care about. But that damn spot of light... well, I had to fix it. Then, when I was working, did I hear, like everybody else, the scream. And you know it's not a sound stage, because they Always close them things up when the shooting starts. For some reason, didn't sound like a shot to me. Police kept us till the sun changed with the moon. Union says we go off payroll at 7, and I don't have a life. I traded off to be kept a "material hearer" for a gaffer who needed to get home who now owed me a favor, so I told them 23 times what I heard, what I saw when I opened the trailer. Gave them my motive, which was nothing, gave them my opportunity, but too many people saw me from around the desert cart which was I don't know where, since it moves all the time. Still I'll never forget the look of that mega-model's bloody scalp. It was a joke some just don't get. I mean, the red brains were just flaking off, and there'd be specks of cartilage or something dripping down when they moved her onto the corpse cart, except she wasn't dead. Mumbling. I remember wishing horror movies could've been this realistic. They won't. I told my "version" to the guy in the tie who arrived sipping coffee. They called it my version 'cause some of the other riggers, and a black cameraman who kept saying he was Real disinterested but still stuck his nose around, they kept changing their stories slightly as the night wore them on. Eyes sagging or bagging, but I would usually work through the night. I was used to this kinda shit. When you're paid to make night seem like day, you get to know the moon intimate. I wasn't tired, and kept my story the same. Damn shame, 'cause then I was the first let go. Got back to the shack, really my library of lightbulbs and wires that nobody can ground but myself, but the attic was feeling cold. Couldn't get the sight of the supermodel out of my head, because I'd heard about the others. Shirley MacLaine had lost hers. And I'm not being sexual. Then somebody called Vanity, though I really doubt this one even Exists, because I've never seen her. Then Miss Playboy for Jan. '89. Never touched the twat, and only 1 was dead from it. Don't really remember which, but the fact that they'd All been scalped for some reason drove me to no thoughts. Had to go out to fill my head. I was suppose to be working on this flying saucer model that lights up when it crashes into a kid's head. Had the foam mask of the child from the horror film sittin' right here, to compare to, to see if it fits. But I couldn't concentrate, went down, had a beer and a slab of canned ham, couldn't get the awful truth out of my head. Los Angeles is something hard to figure out when you see it in the dark. The streetlights suck for that eerie effect, and if there's a principal between lights, you're screwed. So I couldn't see a single drunken face. One of LA's many respected citizens. I call 'em that 'cause they're paid to stay on the streets, and I think that's mighty white of the government. They think a lot of them. I remember the smell, and thinking "this doesn't smell like death. Doesn't smell like homeless." So I remember pausing for a few minutes for them to get it right. Bastards didn't even try. Park was great at this hour, because it felt deadly. I mean Really. The fog of the early morning was like a sweat over the whole congregation that was here. You couldn't go past an empty bench. Thought I saw a raped girl in the bushes, but, you know, ha, ha, that's what I say is great 'bout lighting! Wasn't anything there at all! Though in all honesty, there was a couple of dangerous guys over to the left of a clump of trees, sitting in a landscaped flower bed, chewing on the leg of a dog that was still moving from loss of blood. Dog had a collar that glimmered to me something as I passed. One of those cute names ending in Y, like Fluffy, though that's cliche nowadays, but I could just visualize the red face of the little girl, waiting up for a dog that wouldn't come home. Or if it does, limps all the way in. That's drama. Now that's drama, and I had to appreciate it. The path went along, longer than I expected, except that I didn't really need to get back. I'd locked the door, I was heading in the studio's direction anyway. You get to the studio earlier, you can parlay more jobs by jacking off people's egos. Even if My "boss" wasn't going to be in till after 6:30, I could still get some supplemental income. Was then I passed the nest. Looked interesting. More than that. Made me stop. The guy just looked at me. I could see his turds all around, like some kind of zoo, but I've personally always found people much more interesting. "Fag?" he asked with an English accent, and held out his hand. I shook my head. What else could I do? He was perfectly lit, and I could see the scalps, the fresh, most time blackened hair sets that kept him from being literally on the street. ------------------------------------------- The end.... Thanks Ben. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article eleven: Incredibly strange people marching to glory. There is this new book out called 'How to make love all night' but don't bother buying it! In this article I will give you all the advice you need to 'fuck' all night. So, Lads, you're out on the piss and you get pulled by a lady and she drags you back to her flat and you know that she wants sex. What happens now is you simply make your excuses and go to the bathroom, you may be some time so tell her you have the shits or something. When you get to her toilet beat off and shoot it all out. Then go back to her and if, by half an hours time, you still haven't had sex simply go back to the bathroom and shoot vinegar again. Then when the sex commences you will have no 'sperm' to 'ejaculate' and will therefor be able to maintain your sexual prowess for hours. In the following days she will still live in hope that your performance will be matched while you go back to your 'five minute shuffle' pre-vinegar shot routine.Simply. But what advice do we have for the ladies? Simple, just lay there and pretend, blokes are gullible bastards. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Twelve: Bottom toys! THE FILMS OF MARTY WILDE. MARTY GOES BANANAS (1903) This hilarious spoof of the day has Marty pitting his wits, again. They love 'em all and in one sense he eats. Not for the squeamish, this film, directed by none other. You'll laugh one minute, laugh the next, but in the end you'll only cry as this film get's worse and then better and then a bit worse. Again. Love him or hate him, or simply have no opinion of him you can't help but feel for Marty going banana's in the bahamas. THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF MARTY WILDE (1881) Why did the vicar cross the road? To see this film. This is the best of a bad crop, but still miles better than many other films on the big screen today. Who would ever believe that from such a humble origin Marty would rise like a phoenix only to die very shortly afterwards. A good film, sort of. MARTY AND THE CASE OF THE MISTAKEN IDENTITY (1988) Marty was good in this film, but nice hair as well, mmmm. Critics were derided. This film was a flop. Critics walked out of the cinema in a straight line and panned. Marty's fans were most surprised to see marty in their bathrooms with a can of beans, and arthritis too. A very poor film with a subliminal message. I don't repeat. MARTY GET'S A NICE CAR (12BC) In this film Marty goes one stage further, with hilarious consequences in his pocket, in his lifetime, and in trouble. We love you Marty, we do, Oh Marty we love you, critics were heard to cry, but to no avail, Marty had had enough. Too much, too soon, I'm afraid, So was Marty, but of what indeed? Marty was second to some, top to others, and bottom to all. Indeed. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Thirteen: Leonard Cohen in padded Y-Front shame. STAR INTERVIEW: This month its... WHITNEY HOUSTON! P&B: Hi Whitney! Whitney: Hello. P&B: It's great to get this interview with you. WH: It's great to be back in the UK. P&B: So, when in the UK where do you hang out? WH: Well, I love to see all the sites in London. P&B: Do you go to Soho? WH: No, not really? P&B: Well, it's sleazy, you wouldn't want to go there. We hang out there all the time, in peep shows and strip joints. They're OK but the beer is pretty expensive. I heard you used to be a stripper. WH: No, where did you hear that? P&B: I think Darren told me, but he's pretty sick anyway. He has this really sick sex fantasy about you. It involves jumping from the roof of a church with a Monocle on his left eve and landing on your naked corpse. He's a sick little fucking monkey. WH:...................................................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ...............................(approx. 7 to 10 minutes silence)............................................ ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... P&B: Whitney. WHITNEY! Are you still there? (I think she put the phone down) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Fourteen:Falling to the floor with a goose in my hand, treated like marzipan. TELEVISION: FROM IT'S INCEPTION TO PRESENT. Television is part of our everyday life, and it's importance looks set to increase during the later years of the 20th Century. Not only can Television be used as a learning aid for the young but it is also an important reference point for generation after generation. Most events in our lives can be matched to specific events, be it fact or fiction, which we discovered through this great medium. News also reaches our homes very quickly with the aid of television. The Concept of televisual communication is a simple one. The television screen is made u of many little dot's called pixels, which each display a different colour and when all these pixels are together on the same screen we can see the whole image. Television images are generated from transmitters, scattered around the country, and these signals are picked up by your ariel on the top of your house, sent down a cable in code until they reach your television screen, or CRT, where they are decoded and shown in a coherent form which we can all comprehend, that of crab. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article fifteen: If I had a hammer, I'd hammer at 3:30 against a priests foot. QUEST FOR PERFECT LOVE (parts 1-3) We were in Spain and we were playing pool. It was me and gary and this girl came out on the balcony in her underwear and started to dance provocatively. You know these bands they have at cheapo hotels in Spain. They always play 'Quondo Quondo Quondo' 'Quantanamera' and any other songs beginning with 'QU'. So they were playing 'A kind of magic' by Queen and this girl came out and started dancing provocatively. Like shimmying and shit. And she was a lot older than us and really cute but I thought that I would like to meet her. So, by counting up what floor she was on I determined the number of her room to be 59 or something. however, I told Gary and we laughed. Later that night..... We go to the pub, it's called Rocky's and it's one of those English pubs over in Majorca that they have. And Gary and I had already had about 4 Whiskys wen we got there at 11:00. 3:00 in the morning and Gary has passed out in the Pub's toilet and I'm settling the tab (about a tenner). So I hoist up Gary and we leave. He sobers up a bit and we stagger down the road and, eventually, get back to the hotel room. We are both very trousered. I pick up my video camera and proceed to film the carnage when I have the boos idea of finding the balcony girls room. So....I'm walking along the corridor in the hotel filming, and trying to find her room and I think I find it and I'm shouting and shit and I don't know whether I have woken her up or not but I don't care. I go back to the hotel room and fall into bed and sleep. There is no next day. The day after that when we wake up we decide not to go back to Rocky's and spend the rest of the holiday in the bar at the hotel. I never saw the girl again and I would expect that I am lucky that her boyfriend didn't kill me because I was making a lot of noise outside her room. The funny thing is, I have video evidence to substantiate my claims! So I was waiting to play pool and this little spanish girl comes over and gives me the cue. She looks up at me and I melt. I was in love. The only minor problem was I was 19 and she was about 12. But trust me it wasn't a sexual thing, probably. So I tell Gary and he laughs and cannot believe it. So I refer to her as chocolate because I don't know her name and she made me melt, and her eyes were chocolate brown. So I want to see her again but I don't know where she is and she has too go to bed about 9 I would guess because that's when her mum came to get her. So I see her a couple of times and these young English boys are hanging out around her and I am angry with them but her mum comes to get her, and she hands me the cue again and I gaze into her big brown eyes and her mum shouts at her in spanish and they leave. So there is this outside pool table and Gary and I are playing pool and these real Spanish Guido's want to play and they think they are so cool but Gary and I are drunk and they challenge us. They are cueing for about 10 minutes and taking it all really seriously but Gary and I are just joking about and pulling off the most futile but successful shots ever. And we win, big time and they are not pleased because Gary and I are laughing all the time and being really stupid but they are very serious and these Spanish girls are leaning out of their bedroom window being flirty with us and I think they wanted us to film them, so I point my camcorder up at them and they start to flirt, and I like this and so does Gary but the other guys don't and later on when we go to bed we talk about them and say that we should try to chat them up the following day. And so we go out the next morning to the town centre to see if we can buy some records, but I don't have much money, which is a shame. But we pass the girls in reception and they all have not very nice teeth but they have nice bodies and black hair and they are cutting a dash. And they look at us and I think that we are on, but I am a bit reluctant because I have a girlfriend back in England (this was 4 years ago) so I don't make a play. And the tour rep sees us and hassles us because the day after we got there we were supposed to be going to one of these meetings where they tell you about what great excursions you could go on, but we don't show because we can't be arsed so she put a note under the door telling us to go to the next meeting and we didn't show at that one either for the same reason so this day she grabs us and starts to get arsey and we realise that we had better go because if we don;t she will not help us f we get in the shit which is, after all, what she is paid to do so we tell her we will go to the next one. And that was on the next day. So the next day comes and we haul our arses out of bed and actually go to this meeting thing and she sits there and talks for about 30 minutes and we decide to go on one of the trips so we pay he. But we only decide to go because we think that what she is saying, the way she was saying it, was very amusing so we laugh a lot because we have paid to go on this trip and also make her like us. But it means we have to get up and about 8 in the morning in a couple of days time. And we keep joking because she was saying about this boat ride 'Oh, and then the boat turns the corner, and...'(and this is in a broad Yorkshire accent, and trying to really build up a tension), 'Well...what you see then, well I won't tell you but it'll take your breath away' an I turn to Gary and say 'yeh, it's Mr. Wimpy giving a blow job to Charlie Brown' and we laugh. And lot's of the time we talk about Charlie Brown and Mr. Wimpy. And we think that Charlie Brown is the sexiest cartoon character because his mouth is so sexy and we think that. And so we go to this meeting and pay the lady our money and I still think that she doesn't like us because we never bothered to go to any of her other meetings but we looked around and there were not many cute girls there and it was called the Hotel Lancaster and they had a 'Miss Lancaster' competition and Gary and I wanted to see it so that we could check out the girls but we didn't go in the end and I think we went to the pub instead or went to watch the football. They were showing the football in the TV room and it was the world cup semi finals and England were up against Germany and we sat there and it was a lot of German people and a lot of English people and we were all shouting and going crazy and things were going amok and it was a very good time and we pretended that we knew all about football but the fact is we didn't but we pretended like we did. So we are sitting there shouting along England and all the Germans are going crazy because, of course, they wanted Germany to win, and we were dismayed when they did, though it was very close. So we decide to go to the pub but we know that the next day we have to go on this trip and so we get an early night. And we go to bed but we keep joking with each other about things and it ends up that at 6 in the morning we get an alarm call but we are still awake so we decide to go out and get something to eat and some cigarettes because I didn't have any and so was forced to smoke the butts in out ashtray. And we go out but all the shops are shut and so we can't get any food or drink or cigarettes but the man in reception let us buy a packet of crisps and in Spain the packets of crisps are really big and we get the crisps and eat them all up but it leaves our mouths very dry and in the end time comes to go outside and get on the bus and go on the excursion. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article sixteen: Brilliant whites at a price that'll fuck you up. Well, you know Jazz mags? (porno mags for those who didn't read last issue). Well, if you actually read them you will know that a lot of the text in them is mind-buggeringly funny. This article is a collection of my favourite quotes from Porno mags, our female readers may be amused as they probably don't read 'em, I find them funny anyway. (p) stands for 'Phone sex line advertisement' and may have some further description of the ad where necessary, (a) stands for other advertisement, (s) is for story or article. Here goes.... * "These furless minxes are ready to except your seed"-Phone sex ad. * "Untamed Nympho munches macho stud meat"-mag cover * "Give the gift of Snizz"-Mag subscription offer. *"YOU pick the hole, I'm in no position to argue with you"-Phone sex ad. *"I just come to USA, Want big boom boom"-Oriental phone sex ad. *"Polish my bootie!!"-Phone sex ad. *"I love to rub my love nub while I talk nasty to you on the phone. Call me and shoot your cum on my chest and I'll lick it up. YUM!!"-Phone sex ad. *"Not justa horny experience but also an unusual, beautiful, and moving one"-Ad for 'Pregnant love' Video. *"These are the horniest Grannies in Europe and they're out to prove it"- Ad for 'Granny sex' Video. *"Our girls are sordid, filthy, tarts. They will use words like prick, nob, wank, cunt, and fuck until you've spunked all over your hand!"-Phone sex ad. *"Depravity knows no bounds"-Ad for 'Heavy leather' magazine. *"Vampire lesbian sucked my cock"-Ad for phone sex. *"Marina is a 28 year old dark haired Polish girl with several long hairs on her breasts"- Video ad. *"She's beautiful (don't believe me, take a close look at her)"-Video ad. *"I love to drink lot's of water and wet my panties"-PHone ad. *" BANGED UP AND WANKED"-Phone ad. *" Oyster Joyster"-Phone ad. etc... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article seventeen: A 14 necked dwarf being thrown at Berlin. So that's the end again. As you can see, the 25 article ideal is dead for good now. A short issue? No shorter than issue one but a bit shorter than issue two. Other stuff you should know- The next issue will be posted from a new E- mail address so I may have to send one or two test messages to sort it out before it all works but I'll try and keep it to a minimum of two. If anyone wants to 'rap' for a while I (and possibly Pee-Wee) will be on IRC (irc.demon.co.uk) on the 15th January 1995 at 10:00-11:00 pm GMT in the channel 'pab', I'll be on as pete (as I usually am) so why not stop by and chat about 'stuff'. Any articles you want to send me should now come to the new address which is... DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK I pretty much need some articles so if anyone wants to write anything then that would be great. Look out for a mention of PAB in '.Net' Magazine in the UK in January as I wrote some stuff for it but don't know to what extent my contribution will be included, I'll get a plug for PAB though so that's good, and at best my full article will be included (and it looks pretty good at the moment). The WEB page, provisionally titled 'Pete and Bernies Philosophical web page' (or 'Fish, fur, and feathers' if Darren gets his way) should be up sometime in January and will be 'all that', more info next issue as I'm working on the web page as I write. Also look out for an on-line interview with me (DL), PeeWee, and Svven in the next issue of 'zone'. 'zone' is an E-Zine I think but it may be a paper zine I'm not sure. If you know what 'zone' is then look for it but the full interview will be on the web page, sorry to be vague. Also keep an eye open for two new E-Zines I'm currently working on which will be out in February. Ones called 'Psychobabble' and is basically a collection of press cuttings I found to be scary in a manipulating sense, and 'Uncle Boulans mini golf heaven' which is a collection of Autobiographical stuff people will (hopefully) send in. Check ALT.ZINES for further info and they will also be plugged in Jan's '.Net' (I hope). I also hope to post a mini-issue (Issue 3.5) to ALT.ZINES as a taster and really an extended ad for the zine. I wont send it to subscribers though, if you want it check the newsgroup late January. Anyway, enough plugs (etc), and I'll see you next month. Later! D.L >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>