------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ____________________________ \__ __ / ____/ \ / _/ ___/__ _/ \ / / \ / / /____/_____\________/________/ "|~34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z" Almost Proudly Presents: RED-2.5.TXT aka "How to Hack Your Way Out of a Paper Bag" by Black Francis (America's Sweetheart) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Someone once told me, that I probably couldn't hack my way out of a paper bag. So, being the curious little booger I am, I tried it. Trust me, it's not as hard as it sounds. First, make sure you have a paper bag handy. The easiest kinds to hack are the little tiny cutesy-wutesy lunch bags. The larger grocery bags are pretty hefty, and rather thick compared to the lunch bags. Next, you want to make sure you have a knife. I also found out that if you have even an ounce of strength, you could probably hack one of those lunch bags with a plastic spoon.. but I think that's, like, for professional hackers. Anyway, take the knife, and stick it in the bag. Make sure you're still holding onto it - that's very important! Finally, poke the sharp end of the knife through the bag, and thrash away. It's imperative that you use the sharp end. The end you hold onto is not as sharp, and it hurts your hand when you hold onto the sharp end. There, you've hacked your way out of a paper bag! Congratulations! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ____________________________ \__ __ / ____/ \ / _/ ___/__ _/ \ / / \ / / /____/_____\________/________/ "|~34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z" Super-Duperly Proudly Presents: RED-003.TXT aka "Them Damn Mentos Commercials!" by: Black Francis ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -[WARNING! READ THIS BEFORE PROCEDDING!]- Hola. One thing before we start, if you've never seen a Mentos commercial in your entire life, reading this next article is completely and utterly worthless. You just won't get it (although I'm sure some who have seen them won't get it, either). Please, go back and read the previous article over and over until you throw up all over the place. Thank you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, so it may seem like a pretty lame subject to write about, but I can't stand it anymore. Every time I flick on the tube, it's another mind-numbing Mentos commercial. But, for some reason, I don't change the channel. What attracts me to each and every dull-yet-fascinating episode of these Eurpoean beauties? They have the annoying yet irresistable charm of a B-52's video. Personally, I think they use hypnotisim through subliminal messages, but that's just my theory. Who are the geniuses who come up with these things? Someone is getting paid a shitload of money to make these damn commercials. That would be the best job in the world. I could make up a Mentos commercial in 5 seconds, maybe even less, and some bozo is getting paid out his asshole to do it? Ok, let's see. Grab a stopwatch. Ready? ......GO! Guy gets into an accident and gets out of the car and the person he hit is a lawyer and is going to sue him but then the guy who smacked into him pulls out a pack of Mentos and everything is cool. Ok. Time? That could be a personal best, although, that basically is the plot of every Mentos commercial. They just change the idea slightly for each one. Which brings me to the whole idea of carrying a pack of Mentos in case you ever get in some sort of trouble. I tried something, an experiment if you will. I went to the 7-11 and bought some Mentos. Then, I placed them in my back pocket and continued the rest of the day as I normally would. Here's how it went: (please kids, don't try this at home) I began the day by going to school as usual. Once in school, I realized I had forgot to do my algebra homework. But, instead of rushing to do it, I decided to put my Mentos into action for the first time. As the Algebra teacher made his rounds, checking homework, I pryed the candies from my pocket. Then, the big moment came; "Justin, where's your homework?" he said. "I don't have it, Mr. Appelbaum. BUT, I do have some.. MENTOS!" I said, and with blinding speed, I whooped out the Mentos and flashed them in front of his face. He stared at me blankly for a minute or so. The class seemed puzzled, almost. Like I had just said something in a foreign language. "The Freshmaker, Mr. Appelbaum!" I added. He still wouldn't budge. After standing in front of me for what seemed like an hour saying nothing, he then finally moved. He scribbled something down in his notebook, and then moved on. Alright! It worked! Whee! After wallowing in my own glory for the rest of the period, the bell rang and I was on my way out of the door, the teacher called me to his desk. "Alright. Here's your detention slip for not doing your homework today." Once again, I shoved the Mentos in his face. "What are you doing, Justin?" Then I broke into a gigantic phoney smile. I stuck the Mentos ever closer to his face, he seemed to be getting edgy. "Will you please get them out of my face?!" he said. Then he started to write me a pass for some reason. "Go to the office, Mr. Hottenstein will have more patience with you then I do." he said as he ripped the little yellow piece of paper from the pad and handed it to me. I put the Mentos back into my pocket and continued to the office. After waiting there while Mr. Hottenstein yelled and screamed at some other deliquent, I was called in. Without saying anything, I pulled out the Mentos and stuck them about one inch in front of his face. In a matter of minutes I was home. Out of school suspension. Ok, maybe I was sticking the Mentos too close to everyone's face, and they couldn't read the label. So, when my dad got home, I attempted the Mentos trick again. After informing him I had a two day out of school suspension, I prepared my Mentos. "A two day out of school suspension? For *WHAT*?" he screamed. Without a word, I smiled, and showed him the Mentos. It didn't work. I found myself grounded for a month, and not being able to go to the Helmet concert. Grr.. Then I thought maybe I was barking up the wrong tree, so-to-speak. Maybe I should try the power of Mentos elsewhere. You know, push them to their limit. Give them a run for their money. So, later that night, I snuck out (it wasn't easy considering I have a third story aparment - ouch). So, to *REALLY* test the power of Mentos, I went out and robbed a 7-11. Sounds a little extreme, but judging by some of these Mentos commercials, they're pretty powerful. With my trusty rifle in hand, I walked into the 7-11 and began to fire at everything, but spared the clerk because, hey, he sold me the Mentos. I told him to call the police, and made sure he informed them that I had a high-powered rifle. Not to much later, the police arrived. Ahh.. here we go. I began randomly firing at the cops, and even took a few of them out. Joyous day! When they began to get an itsy-bitsy too close to hitting me, I pulled the Mentos out of my pocket and ran towards the police, dodging bullets the best that I could. "I GOT MENTOS!" I screamed, trying to talk over the rapid fire of the police. "LOOK! MOTHER FUCKING MENTOS!!" I screamed once again. I ducked behind a Coca-Cola display and took a few Mentos out of the package, and began tossing them at the cops. I think I took out one or two, but it didn't hold them off for very long. I grasped the last of the Mentos, and leaped up from the behind the display. I raised the Mentos in the air like I was the statue of liberty. The cops stopped firing, and began to look at each other. Just as I thought, it worked! It was just a matter of time. The adreniline was still pumping, but I knew it was all over. I started to walk towards the officers, Mentos still in hand. "See? I have Mentos. You can relax, boys." I sighed. The cops looked at me again and smiled. "The Freshmaker." I heard one of them say. Then, they their smiles turned to rather grim frowns. What? What was wrong, damnit?! "Those aren't Mentos, buddy. They're those cheap Lance Mento ripoffs!" one of them screamed. My heart jumped into my throat. No wonder they weren't working all day, they're not really Mentos! Next thing I knew, everything was moving in slow motion. The cops began firing at me, using all the firepower they had. They must have put holes in every part of my body. Luckily, I lived, but I'm paralyzed from the neck down, and I'm typing this from the hospital by twitching my eyebrows. It takes me about a week to type a full sentence, and it hurts like a bitch. As for what I did at the 7-11, they let me off. When the police came to question me at the hospital, I had my friend run down to the hospital store and get me some real Mentos. When they arrived at my room, I had Mentos all over. Bouquets made of Mentos. Mentos taped to the walls. Mentos sewed to my sheets. I was even wearing a hospital gown made of Mentos. Needless to say, all charges were dropped, and I'm essentially a free man. Well, judging by the immense pain in my eyebrows, it's time to take my medicine again. So, until next time, adios, and remember: Be prepared! - Carry Mentos wherever you go. Keep circulating the tapes. Push the button, Frank.