R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number 7 April 1993 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - Swan Song..............................................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 The Truth Behind Protocol Negotiation..............................03 As the Hard Drive Turns - Pt. 3....................................07 Bugs: A Genus & Specious...........................................09 DaffyNitions (C)...................................................12 RAH Humor Review: Ranch and Cattle South BBS.......................15 Grunged Glossary...................................................16 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................17 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 April 1993 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Swan Song by Dave Bealer It just couldn't last folks. Like all those television shows that you loved as a kid and were cancelled, so RAH is ending before its time. The simple truth is that I have run out of time: the time required to write the humor, edit the humor, layout the magazine and get it distributed each month now take up more than the sum total of my spare time. I'd really like to give up going to work each day, but my employer has threatened to stop paying my salary if I do that. This may be an unfair attitude on my employer's part, but there's no changing his mind. I briefly considered going from a monthly publication schedule to a bi-monthly, or even quarterly, schedule. No. You wouldn't want that. It's monthly or nothing! Besides, it was getting to be no fun anymore. Regular writers were abandoning RAH, and no new writers were silly enough to sign on as replacements. I'm beginning to burn out. I just wasn't cut out to be a consistent writer. I'm running out of ideas. It's not entirely my fault, though. The whole BBS/Online system industry is getting boring. Everyone gets along with everyone else. Multi-Tech and Hayes settled their lawsuit. Heck, even their modems are willing to talk to each other. Sysops are friendly and willing to help. Moderators don't yell at novice users who enter requests for adult access on the MegaWeenie BBS in the International Bible Study echo. Twits are actually figuring out how to work and play well with others. Computer nerds are even willing to share their pocket protectors. All this mass niceness in the BBS/Online world leaves me with just one last thing to say to you: Random Access Humor Page 2 April 1993 April Fool! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - The Real McCoy by Dave Bealer Ah, come on. You didn't really think RAH would end so soon, did ya? Sheesh! You people sure are gullible. You probably believe that the discount furniture store down the street really has been "Going Out of Business" for the last 17 years. I don't care when you're reading this...it was April Fool's Day when this issue was released. Actually, things have been going very well. We picked up our first RAH Gateway system in Europe. Ed Bakker and Raymond van der Holst, the sysops of Datanet BBS in Voorschoten, Netherlands, are silly people. Silly enough to make a trans-Atlantic call to pick up RAH each month at their own expense. Datanet is a Remote Access board running a V.32bis modem. FidoNet> 2:281/101; BBS telephone number: 31-71-617784. You may have noticed that this month's issue of RAH has a different file naming convention than all seven previous issues. This was done merely to annoy you. No, actually it was done so that the filenames will sort into their correct order. RAH9304.ZIP sorts correctly by both month and year, whereas RAH0493.ZIP sorts by month only. Why sysops are obsessed with sorting their file directories is beyond me. I prefer listing files in the order they were received. But several people have suggested this change to me, so it must be important to many of you. Since I don't really care one way or another, I'm going along with the gag. Back issues will be available in *both formats* here at TPN. Future issues will only be available in the new format. The Complete ODS Directory at the back of each issue is now listed alphabetically by state/province/country. No insult is meant to anyone by the fact that countries are not listed separately. The point is to have the distributor list use as little space in the magazine as possible, while still listing all official sites in a meaningful way. I want to remind everyone that official RAH sites are not meant to be exclusive distribution sites, but consistent sites where readers can always find the current issue of RAH. This month that highly acclaimed series, "As the Hard Drive Turns," returns for its third installment after a four month hiatus. Rob Novak refuses to adequately explain his absence. When questioned, he mumbled something about a llama, Tibet and a can of Spam. It this case we determined that ignorance is the better part of sanity and inquired no further. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<< Sorry, no lettuce this month. Both Florida and California have been hit by powerful storms lately and the crops have been damaged. We may have some artificial lettuce ready by next month. If readers send us some letters, this may prove unnecessary. See masthead for e-mail addresses. {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 3 April 1993 The Truth Behind Protocol Negotiation by Dave Bealer Modern high speed modems are capable of transmitting data at amazingly fast rates. The overall efficiency of these transfers is often less than optimal, especially for small transfers (under 100K). The reason for this is the time the modems spend negotiating the link, which must occur before actual data transfer can begin. In the case of V.32bis modems, it can actually take longer for the modems to perform the protocol negotiation than for the file transfer itself to complete. The technical wizards at Industrial Smoke and Mirrors (the research arm of Vaporware Corporation) have developed a diagnostic tool which will translate certain types of analog data signals into something almost, but not quite, resembling English. The following is the transcript of an actual protocol negotiation session between two high speed modems as translated by the new device, the Jabberwonker. On the actual tape produced by the Jabberwonker, the calling modem sounds like Charles Emerson Winchester III (CEW3) and the answering modem sounds like Chico Marx (CM). Dr. Hoo discounts this as irrelevant. In any event Random Access Humor is proud to present, for the first time anywhere, a look into what actually goes on when two high speed modems negotiate a connection. {begin transcript} Ring CM: Ello? CEW3: Hello. I am here to deliver a letter. CM: A setter? CEW3: No, a letter. CM: What kind of setter? CEW3: No...not a setter. A letter. CM: Is it an Irish Setter? We don' allow no pets 'round here. CEW3: It is NOT a setter. It is a letter. L, E, T, T... CM: "Tea? Hang on." CEW3: This is not about tea. Sir? Sir?... CM: To someone else at his end, "You order any tea?" The non-committal honk of a horn can be heard in the background. Random Access Humor Page 4 April 1993 CEW3: ...Sir? CM: Nah, we didn't order no tea. CEW3 (Beginning to lose his patience): This is not about tea, you Mediterranean moron! I am trying to deliver a letter. CM: A letter? CEW3: Yes! CM: Well, why you no say so? CEW3: I... CM: It's very confusing when you talk about dogs and tea if you want to deliver a letter. CEW3: I never... CM: I don't have time to waste talkin' to you about tea and dogs. CEW3: Will you please shut up about the tea and dogs. CM: S'OK by me. You the one wanted to talk about tea and dogs. CEW3: I did not! CM: I got no time to waste talkin' about them anyway. CEW3: Will you please shut up and take this letter? CM: Oh, I can't take that letter. CEW3: Why not? CM: I'm not allowed to take no letters. CEW3: WHY NOT? CM: It's against union rules. CEW3 (in exasperation): What union? CM: The Letter Takers Union. CEW3 (in utter disbelief): The Letter Takers Union? CM: Yeah, that's right. You no wanna mess with dose guys. CEW3: I am not trying to mess with anyone. I... CM: Oh...those guys are tough! You no wanna mess with them. Random Access Humor Page 5 April 1993 CEW3: Will you *please* listen to me very carefully. I just want to deliver a letter. I don't care who takes it. CM: I can't take it. The union guy sittin' here would mess me up if I did that. CEW3: Someone from the union is there right now? CM: Yeah. There's always someone from the union here. CEW3: May I speak with him? CM: No. CEW3 (incensed): No? CM: No. CEW3 (increasingly incensed): Why not? CM: He can no talk. CEW3 (stunned): What? CM: I said, "He can no talk." What'sa matter? You got somethin' against handicapped people? CEW3: No! I merely... CM: You gonna have trouble with the union if you no respect handicapped people. CEW3: Listen. I never said I did not respect handicapped people. I just want someone to take...this...stupid...letter so I can go about my business. Can the union member there take the letter from me? CM: I dunno. Let me check. {Muffled talking and honking are heard in the background.} CM: Are you sure you wanna talk to da union member? CEW3: Yes! Well...can he hear? CM: Of course he can hear! What you think, the union is dumb or somethin'? CEW3 (deliberately): In the interest of expediency I'll reserve comment. Please put him on the line now. CM: OK, if you're sure... CEW3 (furiously): Yes! Put him on the line now, please! Random Access Humor Page 6 April 1993 CM: Alright, you hang on. CEW3: Very well. CEW3: Hello? Honk. CEW3: Are you ready to take the letter? Honk. CEW3: Does that mean "yes?" Honk. CEW3 (slowly, deliberately): Please honk twice if you are ready to take the letter. Honk. Honk. CEW3: Good. The sender tries to hand the letter to the union member. CEW3: Hey, what is that you put in my hand? The sender tries to hand the letter to the union member. CEW3: What? Is that your knee? Stop that! Honk. Honk. CEW3 (infuriated): Will you please stop fooling around and take this letter. Honk. Honk. The sender tries to hand the letter to the union member. The union member takes the letter from the sender. The sender drops the union member's knee in disgust. CEW3: Thank God! Goodbye. Honk. No Carrier Random Access Humor Page 7 April 1993 Perspiring, the sender enters the delivery in his log book. CEW3: What!? CEW3 (apoplectically): No! I have a package for that address too! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! {end of transcript, mercifully} Certain respected members of the scientific community remain skeptical about the validity, usefulness and sanity of both the Jabberwonker and Dr. Hoo. Meanwhile the good doctor, in his quiet, inscrutable way, predicts a bright future for the device. {RAH} ================= Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and goes slowly insane. Internet: dbealer@access.digex.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- "As the Hard Drive Turns - Pt. 3" by Rob Novak (SysOp Outside the Wall) 1:261/1093@fidonet.org WHY DOESN'T THIS &#*^*@ THING WORK?!?!?! I've asked myself that question many times over. I'm a SysOp. I'm not ashamed to admit it. As a matter of fact, I'm rather proud of it in a warped, twisted sort of fashion. Warped... Twisted... two very appropriate words for any document discussing the habits of SysOps. After all, it's not everyday you get the opportunity to read about someone who's dedicated their entire life to maintaining a computer system that allows total strangers to abuse them. SysOps are nuts. To be a real BBS SysOp you have to have the patience of a saint, the brainpower of a classroom full of computer science majors, and the mental stability of Charles Manson. Here's a short list of things the average Joe SysOp has to contend with daily: 1.) Configuration files longer than War and Peace - most BBS software is configured by the use of extremely long text files that tell the program where to find its data, what parameters to use by default, where to find the restroom, and how to make julienne potatoes. For instance: % % Log C:\BBS\BBORED.LOG % % Screen Mode COLOR % Random Access Humor Page 8 April 1993 % Luncheon Meat SPAM % % .....etc. 2.) Programs written by people consuming way too much caffeine and staying up too late at night. Usually come with instructions totalling about 3 incomplete sentences in length. If used correctly (5% of the time) will perform some nifty feat you won't be able to live without. If used incorrectly (95% of the time) your system gets trashed. 3.) Users asking for more files - You could have 4 CD-ROM drives with 21,000 files online and there will still be someone who leaves a message containing the line: "cood u get sum moor filez pleez im runing out of stuff 2 download" 4.) 254.3 batch files - Batch files are a series of instructions for the operating system to carry out sequentially. Most SysOps have to write batch files to re-start their software after a user logs off the system, and to provide for running maintenance programs. Invariably, the batch file will crash the moment the SysOp walks out the door for a week's vacation. There are loads of different batch files for every possible function the SysOp wishes to perform. There's a file to run the BBS, to run maintenance manually, to run fix-it programs when something goes wrong, to de-frag the disk drives, to clean between the SysOp's toes, and to remove unsightly body hair. 5.) People who find new and inventive ways of making things not work. J. Random User gets a new modem, brings it home, plugs it in and turns it on. He proceeds to throw the instruction manual into the desk drawer (still in shrink-wrap), start up his terminal program (still using the configuration for his old modem), and call into a hapless SysOp's bulletin board. When things don't work correctly, J. Random User tries to remedy the problem by suggesting to the SysOp that something must be wrong with the bulletin board system, and the SysOp should check into it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a curmudgeon. I'm a SysOp. There's a difference. A curmudgeon will shun those things that get on his/her nerves. A SysOp not only tolerates those things, but constantly seeks out new ways to make life irritating for him/herself. Take it easy on us, ok? Next Time - "Chat Mode" {RAH} ================= Rob has been running OTW since August 27th, 1990. His parents deny any liability for his mental state. You can reach him at Fidonet node 1:261/1093.0, on Outside the Wall (410)665-1855, or via Internet as Rob.Novak@f1093.n261.z1.fidonet.org Random Access Humor Page 9 April 1993 Bugs: A Genus & Specious by Greg Borek This is presented as a partial list of the hazards programmers currently face. Hopefully this list will help you keep a weather eye out for these pesky bugs. Latin names have been omitted because I don't know any. By the way, none of these bugs have ever happened to the author. I am just guessing. Bugs of Stupidity - These bugs are only rumored and never actually occur. For example: counter = 0; while (pointer != NULL) { counter++; /* don't bother to do something as mundane as pointer = pointer->next; */ } While this loop produces very fast, tight code that really shows off the muscle of the processor, watching the program run gives insight into what infinity looks like on a finite-state machine. - Or how about the gem: char string_var[5]; for (i = 0; i < 10; i++) { string_var[i] = something; } printf("%s\n", string_var); Mathematically, this is fully equivalent to putting ten pounds of 'Clinton Campaign Promises' into a five pound bag. Additionally, looking at string_var[-1] is legal and also good for random screen effects and interesting directory structures, the kind usually only achieved with lemonade poured into the computer somewhere. Invisible Bugs in Plain Sight - This includes the most common bug known - the "Cut & Paste" bug. The most common variety of this bug is caused by copying a section of code from one part of a program somewhere else and not changing absolutely everything to the new environment. This is not always the programmers fault, however: variables in code moved from one place to another have been known to spontaneously revert to their previous names out of a certain homesickness for the old code. I do not feel the need to give an example of an instance of this bug because there already is one in the piece of code you are writing right now. Random Access Humor Page 10 April 1993 Please note that this insidious bug is not confined to the world of programming; it is common anywhere there is a text editor that can do "Cut & Paste". If, for example, while sending out a form letter to your friends you neglect to change the salutation at the top, you are bound cause profound confusion to all the recipients not named Bob. - This category also includes bugs in plain sight, like: if (something_boolean) { /* This is a comment that an_important_statement; has destroyed your program */ } The fact that the important statement an_important_statement is in fact never called because it is actually part of a comment can cause extreme embarrassment (if anybody else sees it). A LINT program won't find it - why should it? You're allowed to have comments in your program (some people actually use comments inside their programs to document them; go figure). The author certainly never wasted 6 hours one night at college looking for this bug, and his subsequent documentation skills do not reflect this. Bugs of "The Demo" - This species includes showing a new feature to the boss: "Hey, boss, I had an idea for a new feature. Come look at this. If I call this up from here, ... hey, wait, that didn't happen before. Shit. Well, imagine what it would look like if..." - This involves code written at the last minute for a trade show that usually require careful handling. This is typically only communicated to the person doing the demo at the last possible minute (for really magical results, wait until they are actually boarding the plane). Here's an example: "Alright I added this feature but only call the functions in this particular order or kablooey. Got that? And no entering an surprise data, just use this stuff like I gave you. OK? And don't let the system sit idle too long or the timer will lock up the computer. Oh, and, whatever you do, when you turn the network on, turn this computer on last. Yeah, and if you're going to print anything, turn the monitor off first, wait 3 seconds, then..." Bugs of Incomplete Understanding - These are usually created from someone else's code. The other person could be using this job to more closely approximate the skills he claimed to have on his resume. Or, then again, the other programmer could be a real egghead who communicates with the computer directly (usually involving plugging some part of anatomy into the bus). The following expression is the example of an egghead bug: Random Access Humor Page 11 April 1993 char ch; if (ch & 0x20) { ... } What is this testing? Yes, that's right you're checking if ch is equal to a space character. If you wasted time because of stuff like this because some egghead figured this instruction would operate in 90% of the CPU time if (ch == ' ') { ... } takes to operate (which, by the way, everyone understands), you can thank the gods and little fishes that you aren't smart enough to code this badly. - Some bugs are simply caused by insufficient knowledge. The author's first C program involved an uninitialized pointer. Although the program compiled and linked successfully, when run, the program produced a "Bus error". The author was taken aback. Had there been an unfortunate incident involving the computer, an instrument of mass transit, and an incompetent driver making a wide turn? Bugs of Bad Judgment - This includes taking on some projects at all. You simply just should have known better; all of the warning signs were there, you just missed them. The specifications confused Stephen Hawking. The deadline was a date in the past. The platform they mentioned was 286s but a dozen networked Cray's running nothing else comes a little closer to the mark. Who is this Travelling Salesman guy, anyway? (Corollary for the Marketing department: Don't let programmers alone with the clients. Programmers know that *ANYTHING* is possible with a program and that it might actually be interesting to try. They often overlook things like the feature in question may be of use to only 2 or 3 people and would require as little as 245.7 man-years to complete.) - You just can't read in 3 trillion records, and any attempt to get a program to do this is as silly as it is tedious; besides, there aren't three trillion different things in existence. (The author feels quite confident in this belief but will accept concrete evidence to the contrary.) - The author would like to point out that this category of bug is is actually a larger category of bugs that may include others. The author does not sight any further examples of bugs of this type, but this category does includes any code written or modified on Monday mornings or Friday afternoons. Random Access Humor Page 12 April 1993 Bugs that are actually Not Your Fault (yes, they do in fact exist) - This includes bugs created by incorrect documentation. We all know illiterate people write documentation. No, it's true. The people that write the documentation are programmer wanna-be's or "the-new- guy-so-we-can-get-him-to-do-the-documentation-because-no-one-else- wants-to", and in either case the person writing the documentation is the least qualified person and does not understand what he is explaining. It's no surprise when the parameters or return codes are, well, misstated in the manual. - "We need to demo this feature, all of the competitors at the show already have it. Besides, it's already in the sales brochure. Get this done for the show anyway you can". This sort of guidance from the marketing department can lead to some creative solutions. Johnson put something together with spit and chewing gum, fully realizing that this is just a house of cards and he'll get back to it some day and redo it properly... that is, until he has to start the next phase after the show and you get tasked with adding a module to the chewing gum (which has gotten quite hard by now)... Bugs of Time Distortion - This species of bug can actually take on the form of one of the others listed here, but is far more evil. Unlike the form it is mimicking, these bugs will cause the time required to complete a project to be a huge multiple of the programmer's actual best estimate. Although they are usually far more crafty and harder to kill than normal bugs, they become obvious after important deadlines have expired. {RAH} ================= Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org --------------------------------------------------------------------- DaffyNition TagLines (C) compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL) Caesarean Section: A district in Rome... Carpenter: A guy who nails down his agreement... Cat: A small, furry beast resembling a meatloaf... Catarrh: Stringed instrument... Catastrophe: Award given to the cat with the cutest buns... Catatonic: An aging cat in desperate need for Geritol... Catchup: A hair ball... Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a kitten... Catifornia: The sunshine State for cats... Random Access Humor Page 13 April 1993 Catolick: A religiously clean kitty... Cat Scan: Searching for kitty... Catty: An afternoon gathering of gossips... Cauterize: Made eye contact with her... Chicloexdus: The route taken by a gumball to avoid capture... Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain... Chinese spy: A Peking Tom... Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage... Colic: A sheep dog... Coma: A punctuation mark... Commentator: An average potato... Congenital: Friendly... Conservative: One who's too cowardly to fight, too fat to run... Contraceptives: Devices to be used on all conceivable occasions... Corduroy Pillows: Pillows that are making Headlines... Corkscrew: The best thing with which to open a conversation... Cosmetics: A womans' means to keep a man from reading between lines... Creative marketing: 15 doughnut shops next to 4 weight loss clinics... Cursor: An expert in four-letter words... Cyber-Dog food: Kibbles and Bytes, and Bytes and Bytes... Cyclic Redundancy Check: Two locks on the same bicycle... {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Deadline for May - The deadline for articles, letters and other silliness intended for the May issue of RAH is 4/24/93. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Random Access Humor Page 14 April 1993 Are you feeling rundown and fatigued? Are you not feeling like yourself? It has been determined that electromagnetic forces - EMFs - can have unknown affects on the human body, perhaps causing various types of illnesses and maladies. If you work with or near computers or other types of electrical equipment, you are at a risk of exposing yourself to high doses of EMFs!! BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ANY MORE!!! Introducing... -=[ E M F - B L O C 2 0 0 0 ]=- EMF-Bloc 2000 provides the protection you need against those harmful electromagnetic forces! Just spray it on your skin in the morning and our special formula will protect you all day!! How much do you expect to pay for this protection??? Right now you can receive your own 24 oz. bottle of EMC-Bloc for just $29.95! So why wait? This product is not available in any store. Can you afford to expose yourself any longer? To get your bottle of EMF-Bloc 2000 send check or money order to: EMF-Bloc 2000 P. O. Box 1234 Chicago, IL 60601 or, have your major credit card handy and call: 1-800-IMA-DOPE -=[ Another fine product of Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprises! ]=- NOTE: This product still under FDA testing; has caused skin cancer in laboratory animals. ================= [Editor's Note: The preceding advertisement was provided by Ray Koziel of Chicago, IL. FidoNet: 1:115/542] --------------------------------------------------------------------- Wanted: Non-commercial Internet site to offer Random Access Humor for anonymous FTP. Ability to provide download count reports on a monthly or quarterly basis preferred. For more information contact the publisher, Dave Bealer, at: dbealer@access.digex.com Random Access Humor Page 15 April 1993 RAH Humor Review: Ranch and Cattle South Columbus, MS. (601) 328-6486 Lines: 1 BBS Software: Spitfire Modem: ZyXEL V.32bis Sysop: Bob Beebe Yes, this board does sport a funny name, but that may be part of the point. R&C South identifies itself as an adult board immediately upon logon. No unseemly material was seen during our brief inspection tour. This board does feature the largest collection of humorous (non-adult) text files seen outside of the large commercial online systems. R&C South has a combined focus on agriculture and humor. It boasts of being, "The most Bizarre BBS in the World!" It is also the home of the world's only on-line Faith Healing Duck. Users are invited to see the Two-headed Cow .GIFs. R&C South charges no fee and will accept no cash donations. Hardware donations are accepted. The humor file collection is available for download on the first call, after completing the rather extensive new user survey. Many new R&C South users in the past have taken a less than serious approach to answering the questions in the survey: What type of system are you running? Human body-usual chemical-electro reactions. How are you involved in Agriculture? I eat cows and chickens sometimes. I breath oxygen the plants make. I'm a duck. Just looking for adult entertainment. [this is Mississippi, after all - Ed.] I've killed a lot of nice plants. Are you a veteran? Vet of putting up with my father who is one. Not yet, but Bush is working on it. Are you a vegetarian? Only on days that don't end with 'Y'. Depends on how close to payday it is. Yuk. Are you a vegetable? I called here, didn't I! Does couch potatoe count? No - mineral. Do you own a vegiematic food processor? No, but I do have a turnip twaddler. If it don't process data I ain't got one. Is one required for this BBS? Random Access Humor Page 16 April 1993 What is your shoe size? Shoe? DON'T WEAR'EM [this is Mississippi, after all - Ed.] Whats the difference between a Yam and a sweet potatoe? I yam what I yam. Yam is a Yankee sweet tater. Yam is fruit, potatoe is vegie. It's social security number. Yams worry more about their looks. Names and types of all your pets? 37 ft anaconda - Snuggles. Bull - Pickles. Wife - Cindy. Invisible friend - Charlie Husband - Eddie Wildabeest - Luther. Rattlesnake - Marcia. Slug - Slimey. Flea - Herbie. Paramecium - Tooter. Regarding these answers, Bob says it best: (__) (OO) What a crowd, What a crowd........ \/ --------------------------------------------------------------------- Grunged Glossary by Dave Bealer This month the Grunged Glossary takes a look at disk storage measurements: gigglebyte - this short-lived and often contagious unit of storage is favored by less serious users. killerbyte - this destructive type of storage has an excellent memory, but no conscience. metabyte - this rather ethereal unit of storage is highly variable in size and subject to much disagreement about its actual contents at any point in time. overbyte - this deformed, usually malfunctioning memory location is an orthodontist's dream come true. terrorbyte - the favored unit of storage in Steven King's personal computer. Random Access Humor Page 17 April 1993 --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets Alas poor Tagline! I knew it well... Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on. Columbus had a fourth ship - it sailed over the edge. Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised. Yogi Bare was a Buddhist Nudist. Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum. Surrender now - before I have to offer you better terms. Forget everything, as one day everything will forget you. Pain is inevitable. Misery, however, is an option. MODEM: Modus Operandi Device for Evil Minds It's not cute being this easy. Shell to DOS...Come in Dos, do you copy? Shell to DOS... Eagles fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Starfleet Academy has a drama department? Childish game: one at which your spouse beats you. Madness takes its toll; please have exact change. You make ends meet...and they hate each other! Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it! Let the meek inherit the Earth, I want the stars! What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Syntax? Why not? They tax everything else! If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? There are no ESC keys on prison PCs. Please hold. A representative will annoy you shortly. Impeach Clinton...and her husband! Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong. Random Access Humor Page A-1 April 1993 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Rob Novak Advertising Director: Ray Koziel Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis) Internet: dbealer@access.digex.com greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. 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