**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### ***************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************** *************************FORTY-SIX TO FIFTY********************************* (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia) ______________________________________________________________________________ Revolting and/or disgusting ABSOLUTELY OFFICIAL AND TOTALLY GENUINE GOVERNMENT WARNING: This file can damage your brain, and may result in horrible worms crawling around inside it and maggots and weevils eating bits of you, in scenes as revolting as the horrible bits from "The Tin Drum". -----------------\ # # ### TOXIC \ Upholding a tradition in stupid Ascii title headings. # # # CUSTARD-----> AS SEEN IN THE NAKED WASP ### ### WORKSHOP \ by Mr Luxury-Yacht, tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu # # # FILES \----------------\ But it's not my fault. Much. # ### Number 46, 29th April 1991 \----------------------------------- A meeting of the world's biggest oil companies has finalised a plan to restart the Gulf War by donating funds to Saddam Hussein. Delegates at the meeting were told it would help keep world oil prices up. An oil(y) executive said, "we think this is a good move for the world. And us in particular. Besides our humungous profits, think of all the jobs it will create in the defence industries and journalism, and the lessened effect on the atmosphere due to no-one except us being able to afford to drive cars." When it was pointed out to him that the burning of oil-fields due to the war was possibly one of the worst ecological disasters this century, he replied "ah yes, but that wasn't our fault! Anyway, that Saddam's a really nice bloke, and we said please, and he guaranteed he won't do it again. Not only that, but he won't even gas the Kurds. Well, not much, anyway." The US government and its allies objected to the move until they were told that the Allied forces would also be sponsored by the oil companies. This will involve the placement of oil company logos on strategic weaponry and other hardware. Amongst the other sponsorship deals organised, the helicopters will be sponsored by Mobil, the new TXjet fighters (see TCWF #36) by Texaco, the navy by Caltex, the guns by BP, and the shells by Shell. Exxon will sponsor the body-bags. The FBT (Fucking Big Tank, see TCWF #36) has failed to be sponsored, and will not be used, as the oil companies are concerned that this would bring victory to the Allies too soon. US officials announced a range of new jobs available in the defence industry as a result of the decision. A new company, partially funded by the government, known as Death Killing And Mass Destruction For Christianity Against Them Goddamn Iraqi Scumsuckers Pty Ltd will be formed to help construct and maintain the various weapons used by US forces. The Pentagon also announced the formation of a new ground battle unit of the US Army. It consists of Sylvester Stallone and a film crew, and will fight its way into Southern Iraq, destroying everything in sight. A spokesman reported "If Sly can't kill enough of them muthas himself, the special effects people will help." With cinema ticket sales predicted in the millions, the operation is expected to be an astounding military and financial success. One of the plans that will not be accompanied by a film crew is a scheme to dress troops up as giant ducks, in order to surprise opposing forces. A White House spokesman commented "While they're laughing their heads off, we'll shoot their heads off." Before being restrained, he also commented (or perhaps screamed is a better description) "We'll bloody murder those fuckers! We'll chop them up into little bits with our chainsaws, scoop up the bits into big crates and send them by Comet courier to Baghdad! And then we'll get vicious!!" The spokesman was then escorted out of the press room by two heavily armed giant ducks. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Next we were going to have a bit of U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour) involving the usual amount of foul language involved in such scribblings. However, due to the previous article raving on about F.B.T.s, the Toxic Custard Workshop has used up it's entire "fuck" quota for this week. Oops, there goes another one. Now we're over-budget. And if we use up too many four-letter words, next week we can't use any! How terrible that would be. At this point I would go into a list of authorised frequencies for various profanities, but we've just about exhausted our entire budget for this week, so I can't! Oh well. Damn. Oh shit, there goes another one. Anyway, aren't we offending the more refined readers of this drivel? No, I didn't think so. But only because we haven't got any. Fact is, I would bet that the majority of TCWF readers are currently beached in front of a computer terminal. That's the type of person that reads this muck! Don't try and run away and pretend you weren't reading this! We all saw you! Now for more textual vomit.. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This bit cancelled. Purely due to lack of space, you understand. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We all saw you reading the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, so don't try and deny it. The above section was not a criticism aimed at Monash University, but has vanished mysteriously anyway. Maybe next week? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Still available for those who haven't bothered to ask for it yet; The Bestestest of Toxic Custard Volume 1 - mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The even more moronicly stupid cousin of TCWF - Rocket Roger, is still going strong (when will they ban this junk?) - rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ______________________________________________________________________________ MONASH UNIVERSITY COMPUTER CENTRE - MODEM DIAL-UP SERVICES Users of the Greater Monash University can now access the computer systems via modems 24 hours except when they are out of order. All four campuses are equipped with dial-in lines which under normal circumstances should be either engaged or not operational. Your modem and communications software should be set up to operate in 8-bit mode with no parity and 1 stop bit. Except when it shouldn't. Which may or may not be the case when and if you are using the dial-ins. Modems at Clayton Campus can utilise the MNP-4 error correcting protocol. But don't. 'Cos to be honest, we haven't worked out how to turn the bloody things on yet. If anyone has any ideas, please tell. Well, they were a job lot going cheap without manuals, you know how it is... ###--###-########-TOXIC----+---------------+---------------------------------- ###--###------###-CUSTARD | Number 47 | by Mr Luxury-Yacht--------------- #########-----###-WORKSHOP | May 6th, 1991 | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------------- -----###------###-FILES----+---------------+---------------------------------- -----###------###----------+----Every week: make it you sense knows camel----- ---AS-SEEN-IN-THE-NAKED-WASP-------------------------------------------------- Mafia boss Alfredo Cappucino has evaded capture once again. The forces of good were narrowly defeated at a "Capture a Mafia Boss" charity soccer match held in Milan. A combined Interpol Police team failed to score against the heavily armed Mafia United Soccer Club League Enterprises team. Just after half-time when the referee awarded a penalty Interpol's way, the Mafia team made good use of their violin cases, resulting in the first European soccer match ever in which the teams were more violent than the crowd. The performance was described as the best since the Berlin Philharmonic's "Eine Kleine Nacht Musik" one memorable evening in 1978. Conductor Hans Goldberg was in fine form, his thighs glistening in the moonlight as he strutted his stuff in front of an estimated crowd of 90,000 confused football hooligans. Afterwards, a crowd of over two thousand of them went on a rampage through the city, setting fire to garbage bins and throwing up on people's cars, and chanting bits of "Carmen". They were stopped in their tracks near the city-centre by the entire Berlin Philharmonic, who, making their second appearance in this paragraph, dispersed them with water canons. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - US President George Bush has changed his usual practice of being surrounded by security men and is now surrounded by medical men. White House officials assured journalists (who were apparently sick with worry about the president's health) that the situation was only temporary, and that the president would not shortly be surrounded by six blocks of wood and quite a lot of dirt. Dan Quayle was relieved to hear this. Though he didn't know what it meant. The security men who had been surrounding Bush and are now surrounding Quayle were also relieved to hear it, as the entire Secret Service has actually run out of ammunition since the CIA '91 Annual Hoover Memorial Rabbit Hunting trip last week. The CIA deny that the trip included the ritual hunting and slaughter of communists that has occured in previous years. But only because they couldn't find any. However, suspected communist rabbits were a suitable substitute, and a special vacuum squad will be sent to the area to de-bullet it before next year's trip. Bush meanwhile was taken to the very nice Bethesda Naval Hospital near Washington. While treatment at the hospital is not valid for Medicare, he apparently still doesn't have to pay for it. Just like you can't book a holiday to fly on Air-Force 1; you have to be a little bit privileged. Aides have denied that he has been seen in the company of sailors, even medical ones, and have scoffed at rumours that Barbara Bush has been seen in the company of Frank Sinatra. In fact, they laughed their heads off when it was suggested. "No no, that was Nancy Reagan", they insisted. In fact, some enterprising ex-White House officials have reportedly been making a killing with blue movies of the couple filmed on the White House video security system. Entitled "Nancy and Franky - Red Hot in the House of White", it's available on Aifam Home Video for only $29.95. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first section was not a criticism aimed at Monash University. Honest. Just me taking the piss out of them. 'Cos in truth, those chaps up in the Computer Centre; they're great blokes; salt of the earth. Wonderful people, every one of them. Oh God Mr System Manager, please don't wipe my account! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now available, the best of Toxic Custard-: - Volume 1 - the best of 1-30 - Volume 2 - the complete adventures of Mr Popsicle To get these, simply Reply to this mail! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those of you who have enjoyed this crap may also react to Rocket Roger, another product of the Monash University House of Comedy. To get it, just mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen -- Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN / DISCOGRAPHY: You may also Monash University, Melbourne, Australia / enjoy listening to a floppy disk ---------------------------------------/ called DSHD. You won't hear much, TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu / but people will stare at you. STOP PRESS: The White House has just announced that George Bush will leave hospital shortly. In a box. ______________________________________________________________________________ Tedium rare Competent mail user of the week: J McA, for best mix-up over the R and r commands in Unix mail. Can YOU tell the difference? And now for the incredible shrinking title: _ TOXIC CUSTARD |_| |_| by Mr Luxury-Yacht tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu WORKSHOP FILES | |_| Number 48 13th May 1991 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Fascist Fuckwits Federation (F.F.F.) are proud to announce the 1991 annual picnic, march, loot, and desecration of non-Aryan graves next Tuesday, weather permitting. BYO army boots. Normal skinhead dress will be expected. Brains will not be required. The planned schedule for the day is: 11am - Meet in the park Noon - Lunch 1pm - Racist speeches 2pm - Swastika tattooing, and head-shaving for the kids 3pm - Spontaneous march through the city demonstrating about how the Jews, wogs, chinks, Japs and all their filthy foreign friends get all the best jobs and stuff, just 'cos they're more intelligent and better qualified. It's a conspiracy against the supreme race of the world! Us! During the picnic, the FFF will have various stalls organised, where you can buy Nazi flags, Union jacks, Nazi earings, skinhead wigs, Nazi headbands, air-tickets to South Africa to help our white brothers rid their country of the undesirables, Nazi bumper stickers, old copies of Mein Kampf, and the latest in neo-Nazi fun for the kids- the plastic inflatable Jew (matches supplied). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Well, I guess I've run out of ideas for this week's TCWF. I'm gonna go watch the news. Back in a mo'. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Good evening, you're watching ABC News, and I'm... I'm... I'm sorry, the autocue machine seems to have vanished. And the top news story tonight is the big autocue theft scandal. Yes, all over the world, autocue machines have gone missing. Dubbed "the autocue thief" by police, someone who steals autocues, has stolen some autocues. I could keep babbling like this for half an hour, but I'll cross, live to our reporter on the scene, on the other side of the studio, Katy Voxpop. Katy. Thank you.. erm.. I'm sorry, I forget your name... umm.. it's thingo, isn't it.. c'mon, we had lunch in the canteen just a few hours ago... Ri.. No no, it could be J.. no no, I can't remember. Isn't it crazy; you know someone for years and as soon as there comes a time that you have to say thank you to them on national television, you forget their name. I mean it's stupid! Anyway. Thank you. Police investigating the autocue theft are also looking into the disappearance of several microph... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Suddenly, with malice of forethought, Calendiar burst triumphantly into the file, the blaze of fire surrounding him. He stood triumphantly, and triumphantly thrust out his groin to try and look butch, before sauntering to his destiny. He was back. And while the minor details such as plot were not yet sorted out, it was true that Calendiar's image was unsurpassable. The threat, though vaguely littered with banana references, was not obvious yet, and Calendiar had to be content with looking like a hero, but not being able to use his undeniable skills against a definite enemy. Calendiar was a professional hero. Only trouble was, he'd got himself stuck in a shitty little production which would do nothing to enhance his public image. It was all very well to write dynamic stories about the secret service (minus the homosexual romps in custard), but this kind of thing was puerile. Calendiar slided into the custard, looking for clues. He went under, managing to avoid the writhing secret service agents around him. He could see little through his goggles, which was just as well, and felt his way down to the bottom of the pool of custard. Nothing. He went back up to the top, and buggered off. So to speak. He went to a cheap restaurant, one of the ones that had just installed a special "dish dirtying" machine, so you'd KNOW it was cheap when you ate there. Ordering a salad (to quick march into his mouth), he noticed it. The mysterious banana motif on the waiters aprons. Not just a normal average painted on logo, or a toxic plastic thing stitched on, but the actual remains of a long-half-eaten banana. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bestest TCWF compilations: - Vol 1 (1-30) - Vol 2 (Adventures of Mr Popsicle) To receive, Reply (that's capital R for Unix mail(x) users!). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Go away, I've had enough of this for one week. ______________________________________________________________________________ Meanwhile... TCWF 49'ER... ERR...ERMM.. UMM.. __ ___ ***************************** __ /__ / \ / / / * TOXIC CUSTARD * \ \ / \ / / / / /__ * WORKSHOP FILES * \__\_ \__/\ \_/ \__/ \_/\_/ / * Number 49 - 20th May 1991 * \ __/ *****by*Mr*Luxury-Yacht****** MOTOR RACING A new development in motor car racing was announced today; one that will revolutionise grand-prix, touring, and motorcycle racing. In recent years, vehicles have been daubed all over with advertising slogans for sponsoring companies. It was discovered recently that the paint and stickers on vehicles actually accounts for a great deal of extra weight on top of the actual car itself. Therefore, all teams have announced that from now on, NO advertising will be put on cars, saving up to 5% on lap times from lighter vehicles. Sponsor messages will be limited to the pit-crew's jackets. This means, of course, that all the vehicles racing will be plain white, which may cause some confusion. But the teams hope to have this sorted out soon by having them identifiable using a number of different patterns and colours, including plain colours, stripes and polka-dots. Meanwhile, the Frod Motor Company has announced a new breakthrough. The plasticine motor car. Whilst the chassis of the car is normal, the bodywork is entirely plasticine, meaning easy adaptation from sportscar to station-wagon to luxury limousine. And while the car has had some problems in high wind, with both air-bubbles and a strange tendency to fall apart, Frod are confident that these, as well as the slight safety problems (the car has been described as "fucking dangerous" by motoring associations) will be overcome and that this new breed of motor car will be all the rage in the nineties. In fact, some of the safety problems have already been solved. New models will now be made with Silly Putty, which bounces. When hitting an object, the car will still fall apart in dozens of bits probably killing the occupants, but it *will* bounce. And there'll be no problems in cutting bodies out of the wreckage. What's more, a plasticine car is NEVER wrecked, because a little manipulation of the plasticine will mean it looks like new! It was thought that theft of the cars might be a problem, but trials proved that 97% of all car thieves are intelligent enough to know not to steal a useless heap of crap like that. NEW FROD PLASTA - HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FROD LATELY? Meanwhile, a plan to develop plasticine houses has also emerged. Although prone to burglary, the house would be cheap, easy to renovate, and even portable; the whole of it being able to be rolled up into a big ball of plasticine... bringing a new dimension to the phrase "moving house". Research on both schemes has been sponsored by the major world manufacturers of plasticine. While the cars will be made in the USA by Frod, the houses will most likely be constructed in South Korea. Meanwhile, in South Korea, the people have once more being protesting against an oppressive dictatorship, the deaths of their comrades at the hands of police, and the fact that they are one of the only countries in the world where Beta is more popular than VHS. Meanwhile, the United Nations has been forming a plan to impose trade sanctions on countries still using Beta. The move, put forward by Japan and the United States, and coincidentally supported by the JVC company, would mean that UN forces would search suspected areas, hunting out Beta owners and subjecting them to public humiliation. The USSR supported the move, the Soviet delegate commenting, "In my country, Beta owners are laughed at in the street." The Chilean delegate countered this by saying, "In my country, Beta owners are taken out and shot!" The South African delegate mentioned, "In my country, the coloureds are forced to use Beta. VHS is a white man's format." And the United States delegate rounded up the discussion, by saying, "In my country, Beta owners are made to watch PTL." Meanwhile, the American PTL television network, as a entirely Christian and virtuous move, has made a huge donation to the Bangladesh relief fund. The donation, which PTL described as "the gift of life" and "the biggest gift we have ever bestowed to our fellow man", is of 10,000 videotapes of sermons given by Jimmy and Tammy Bakker. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now available exclusively to subscribers: Bestest TCWF compilations: - Vol 1 (1-30) - Vol 2 (Adventures of Mr Popsicle) To receive, send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ______________________________________________________________________________ The Last Post **************************************************************************** === = = === ===== == = = = == == = = === ===== == === === = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ==== === = =############# ###########== = ==== === = = = = = = = =############# ############# = = = = = = = = = = = === = ## = = = == ###== == ###= = = = = = === ############ ## ## = = === ==== = =############# ===##==== ##=== = = ===== ==== = = = = = = = = = = ##= ##= = ## = = = = = = = = = ==== === ##=== ====##= ###=== ###=== = = ===== === = = = = = = = = = #############= ############# = = = = === === = = = = ########### === ########### = ===== ===== ==== *****NUMBER FIFTY*****************************************27TH MAY 1991***** **BY MR LUXURY-YACHT (DANIEL BOWEN)********************tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu** Welcome to the fiftieth TCWF! Yes, we have reached our half-century, as they'd say in cricket, and the blame falls squarely on YOU, the readers. Over the past week, tributes have been pouring in from world leaders: - "The entire world is appalled by the dreadful act" Javier Perez de Cuellar (United Nations) (peacelover@un.uucp) - "We are deeply shocked..." Mikhail Gorbachev (USSR) (gorby@kremlin.gov.su) - "tragic" Bob Hawke (Australia) (hawkie@lodge.canberra.gov.aus) - "I found this news absolutely dismaying..." Edith Cresson (Premier, France) (edith@paris.gov.fr) - "..just appalling" George Bush (USA) (bigboss@white-house.wash.gov) Stay tuned for more tragedy, coming right up. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ALIEN INVASION IMMINENT It now known that an alien species has been watching this planet for several years now. They have sent their scouts ahead, who have infiltrated much of the civilised world. Thousands upon thousands of them live in our big cities, inconspicuously placed. They can be found on many street corners.. watching, ever vigilant. The little green men are among us. Hidden in our traffic lights. Our raving reporter, Arnold Psychopath, disguised as a little green man, infiltrated a secret little green man meeting, at the Guild Of Little Green Men Who Want To Take Over The World. A little green man army is said to be being raised, armed with lethal bananas. Many of the little green men present were in fact well known politicians, scientists, other significant public figures and New Kids On The Block. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - AND NOW FOR MORE BLACK COMEDY. Hullo dere! Dis is de Rasta-News! Dah Prime Minister today went down da beach cruisin' man. He had himself a real mellow time... [Was this just an excuse to run the Jive program? Probably not. But it sure looks dat way.] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ROADWORKS: HUDSON'S ROAD, SPOTSWOOD: The railway level crossing near Spotswood Station will be closed for track work from 7.30pm tomorrow until 4.30pm on Wednesday. BURWOOD AVENUE, HAWTHORN: Burke Road to Burwood Road, closed to through traffic until about mid-October. COTHAM ROAD, KEW: Outbound traffic restricted to tram tracks from Uvadale Grove to Florence Avenue until about January 2007. MILLERS ROAD, BROOKLYN: Westgate Freeway to Blackshaw Road, road reconstruction will restrict traffic to one lane each way until about 31 May. A roadworkers' strike will then delay construction another three months, followed by an earthquake later in the year that will require complete reconstruction of the area. An industrial chemical accident early next year will cause most of the western suburbs to become inhabitable for the rest of the century, resulting in heavy traffic leading out of the area. In 2032, worldwide pollution will cause the world to end, meaning widespread panic, the death of the entire human race, and traffic delays in most areas. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - MACBETH, ACT 5, SCENE 9 - WITHIN THE CASTLE [Retreat and flourish. Enter with Drum and Colours, Malcolm, Siward, Ross, Thanes and Soldiers] MALCOLM: I would the friends we miss were safe arrived. SIWARD: Yes, they were due an hour ago. Damned late trains. MALCOLM: Macduff is missing, and your noble son. ROSS: Your son, my lord, has paid a soldier's debt: He only lived but till he was a man, The which no sooner had his prowess confirmed In the unshrinking station where he fought But like a man he died. SIWARD: Are you trying to tell me he's dead? At a railway station? A train accident, or some sort of riot? Or perhaps a football game? ROSS: Ay, and brought off the field: your cause of sorrow Must not be measured by his worth, for then It hath no end. SIWARD: Well well well, poor old Siward Junior, and I thought he'd get to play the whole match. I'm gonna have to have a word with that coach. Where is he, in the grandstand, or on the interchange bench, down the front? ROSS: Ay, on the front. SIWARD: Well, Young Siward had a good game. He's improved his form since last season, too. But I'll be sorry to see him out of the team. MALCOLM: He's worth more sorrow, And that I'll spend for him. SIWARD: What are you on about? Ah, who's that approaching? It's ol' Macduff- whatcha got there, 'duff mate? [Enter Macduff, with Macbeth's head.] MACDUFF: Hail, king! for so thou art. Behold, where stands Th'unsurper's cursed head SIWARD: Jesus Christ Macduff, what the fuck are you doing? Whose head is that? MACDUFF: the time is free SIWARD: You'll be doing time all right if you get caught with that head! MACDUFF: I see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl, [Enter Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, Sergeant Flatfoot] SIWARD: Shit, it's the pigs! INSPECTOR: All righty.. what 'ave we 'ere? MACDUFF, MALCOLM, ROSS, OTHERS: Siward did it! SIWARD: You bastards. INSPECTOR: Okay Siward, your number's up. SIWARD: I never touched him! MACDUFF: Yes he did officer, we all saw him go up to poor old Macbeth with an axe, lop his head off and plant it on me so I'd get in trouble. Euch.. horrible it was, with blood everywhere. Talk about "out out damn spot", it was all over the bloody place! INSPECTOR: Siward, you are under arrest for the lopping off of Macbeth's head. You do not have to say anything, but we'll probably beat the shit out of you if you don't cough up, so you may as well admit it right now. Cuff him, sergeant. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Almost penultimately... SPECIAL 50TH ISSUE THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THE LAST 50 POSSIBLE: Me - for writing this crap Ray Chan - for deciding to write his own crap, but never doing so thus inspiring this crap Rolf Benirschke, Scott MacPherson and John Lupien - for letting me borrow (steal) their crap when I had run out of crap Raoul McLay, Conrad Leviston, Gareth Seymour - The rest of the real Megabogue David Holicek - for thinking up the name "Toxic Custard Workshop" Iain Sinclair - for the cartoons Lori Boren - for praise beyond the call of duty Katherine Ramsay - for the modem saga, and not minding too much Many nameless people - for defending TCWF 17 and 48 Brian Smith - for providing much needed but not very competitive competition Julia Wilkinson - for the Australian Shakespeare in TCWF 40 James "Kibo" Parry - for the Toxic's Fallen gag in TCWF 31 AND OF COURSE: William Shakespeare - for being there when you need him ---- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - And penultimately... WORLDWIDE JOKE SHORTAGE: Comedians everywhere are suffering due to the worldwide joke shortage. If you have any spare jokes lying around the house that you don't want anymore, please, give them to someone who can use them. Don't hesitate. Jokes over two lines long are tax-deductible. And finally... AN ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to the worldwide joke shortage, and the recent discovery during the last paragraph that the author doesn't exist, this has been the final of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. _______________________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen May be copied or reproduced without permission provided this notice remains intact. -- Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling ----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]