**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### ***************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************** *******************PARTS SEVENTY-ONE TO SEVENTY-FIVE************************ (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia) (Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) _______________________________________________________________________________ Just A Little Toxic Custard - Told you it would shrink. -- Yeah yeah, okay, you're right. You should never mix exams with custard. - Yep. So, will you do the announcement, or shall I? -- You can do it - Okay. Where's that shift-lock key? LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. DUE TO THE AUTHOR BEING Y IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS, THIS WEEK TOXIC CUSTARD e WILL BE A SPECIAL *MINIATURE* EDITION. s ***** *** * * **** ***** ** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES f * * * * * * * NUMBER 71 - 18TH NOVEMBER 1991 o M*I N*I A T U*R*E* ***E D I T*I O*N ------------------------------- l * *** * * * * *** Written by Daniel Bowen k s Housewives - sick of tidying up the house? Well, nail down anything , you want to keep.. 'cos here comes SUPER VACUUM! Especially designed for that lazy git of a husband, it will suck up anything and everything t within a ten metre radius of the suction hose. SUPER VACUUM is now h used on drugs raids - it never fails to suck up all the stuff! a Available exclusively from SUPER VACUUM Ltd- SV Nails.. the only t reinforced super-strength nails guaranteed to hold the furniture ' down. Also protection against nuclear blasts (though the objects s themselves may well disintegrate). r SUPER VACUUM - You will believe a man can clean. i - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - g h RICHARD III - ACT 4, SCENE 2: London, The Palace t : *Grammy award-winning Sennet. Enter Richard, in pomp, crowned; Buckingham, Catesby, a Page, and others* A KING RICHARD: Stand all apart. Cousin of Buckingham! b i BUCKINGHAM: My gracious handsome sovereign! g KING RICHARD: Give me thy hand, sweetie. 3 5 *Trumpets sound and the court looks embarassed as he ascends the % throne and puts a coin in the condom machine* o KING RICHARD: Thus high, by thy advice and contacts, f And thy assistance, is King Richard out of his skull: f But shall we wear this cool skin for a day? Or shall it last, and we rejoice in them? a l BUCKINGHAM: Still protect they and for ever let them last! l KING RICHARD: Ah Buckingham, now do I play the touch, T To try if thou wouldst come back to my place: o I forget my line; think now what I would speak. x i BUCKINGHAM: Say on, my loving lord. c KING RICHARD: Why, Buckingham, I saw I would be king. C u BUCKINGHAM: Why, so you are, my well-endowed lord. s t KING RICHARD: Enough of this palace, come with me Buck, a We'll go back to my castle and both have a r d ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s Well, we'll throw TCWF onto the rack and make sure it's stretched to a decent size t by next Monday. Have a good week. h ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i s Next week in Toxic Custard, we'll be interviewing at St Nick.. Satan.. Lucifer.. yes, the devil himself. And asking the question.. w Does the Prince of Darkness suffer from nyctophobia? e -- e Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen k -- Daniel Bowen, in the middle of exams at | o Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | Solar flares are n edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au | still in fashion. l ---Toxic Custard: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---| y ! _______________________________________________________________________________ Frozen Toxic Custard Concentrate ----- --------------------------- |7|2| | TOXIC CUSTARD | ----- |via Malady and Berk Roads| --------------------------- KURDISTAN ARMY CHANT We are tough and we are mean (we are tough and we are mean) W The crimes against us are obscene (crimes against us are obscene) e It's Saddam- One and us Kurds- Nil (Saddam- One and us Kurds- Nil) l If we don't stop him no-one will (we don't stop him no-one will) l Who will? (Who will?) We will. (We will). U.N.? (No chance) , Allies fought and saved Kuwait (Allies fought and saved Kuwait) t Saddam beaten? Give me a break (Saddam beaten? ...me a break) h We run round and yell this chant (we run round and yell this chant) a And don't you love our baggy pants? (don't you love our baggy pants?) n Who does? (Who does?) You does. (You does?) Do you? (Oh yeah!) k Patriots saved the Jews from Scuds ('triots saved the Jews from Scuds) G But we're still cold and eating mud (we're still cold and eating mud) o So spare a thought for us poor Kurds (spare a thought for us poor Kurds) d We'll stop now, we're out of words (we'll stop now, we're out of words) Who are? (Who are?) We are. (We are?) Are we? (Oh, good!) t - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h o The new, some would say revolutionary, plans for the economy put s forward by Federal Opposition leader John Whatsisname last week were e leaked early by the Government. In fact the Government had planned to replace the front cover of the document with a page saying "Written e And Prepared By That Brilliant And Incredible All-Australian MAN The x Prime Minister Bob Hawke Corr Blimey He's Good At Cricket", in an a attempt to pass off the document as the Government's own. But someone m forgot. s Anyway, included in the document are many plans to irrevocably change this country (Overseas readers, please read "that country down a under where the kangaroos and stuff live"): r - encouraging people to save by making everything so expensive e they can't afford to buy anything - tax cuts, with an added bonus of the public stoning of o Australian Taxation Department officials v - a system to ensure that jobs go to rich people (P.F.D - Positive e Ferrari Discrimination) r - compulsory reading of Toxic Custard for all citizens earning , less than $40,000 a year and not driving expensive European cars a This last move has been widely condemned by humanitarian n organisations. World governments also reacted. US Vice-President Dan d Quayle made an impassioned plea, saying "I've read this stuff, and even I can't understand it." An Indonesian Government spokesman said I "And you thought *we* were bad." And Saddam Hussein phoned to ask where he could get a copy of the files, and to approve of the whole c plan. He's been using it for years, apparently. a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n As soon as Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence had worked out g where they were going to, they went there. By asking themselves deep e and penetrating questions, they worked out that they were going to the t site of a recent nutmeg-related incident, in an effort to track down the dealers. b Popsicle left the Inspector to guard the car, and, after placing a a "Beware of the Policeman" sign on the windscreen, went to talk to some c of the neighbours. He made sure he was looking butch and knocked on k the door of Mrs Irene Busybody. The noise of the Super Vacuum (tm) stopped, and the house stopped shaking. The door opened, and out t looked Mrs Busybody, the very image of primness in her thick dressing o gown, moccasins, hair-curlers and moustache. "What the hell do you want?" t "Just a few questions about the murder last night, madam", replied h Popsicle in his best I-know-very-well-she'll-blab-to-the-media voice. e "Oh yeah? Well, it was only one of those students. I'd hang the lot of them. With their sex, drugs, rock'n'roll and all that i late-night studying. They should piss off back to their universities m and never come back. Parasites on society, that's what they are. Going p around having more fun than the rest of us. Shameful, that's what I o call it. Shameful. And you know who I blame? Bloody immigrants, that's r who. They've come over to live here.. why don't they stay at home and t be oppressed there, like everyone else is? They come over to live a here, and get all the cushy easy unskilled jobs, like welding car n parts, or falling off oil platforms. They get all the unskilled jobs, t and the students think 'Oh, bugger that, I'll have to get smarter before I try for a job.' So they go to bloody university and try and t get smarter.. lost cause, I reckon. You're either thick when you're h born, like my husband Fred, or you're smart, like me. Bloody students. i Bloody immigrants! I'll tell you who I blame for all those foreigners n coming over, too. Journalists. Scumbag filthy bloody journalists. If g no-one knew about governments going around massacring innocent people, s they'd never let those filthy foreigners into the country. With their filthy fucking foreign food full of worms and mud and pasta and rice i and crap like that. Criminal, I call it. You know they just opened a n Chinese restaurant down the street? I called up my friends on the phone, bloody Telecom phones, they're hopeless.. I called up my l friends and we're organising a Filthy Red Chinese Food Out Of i Ignoramus Street rally next week. We rang up the Fascist Fuckwits f Federation; they said they'd help. Those foreigners, they can take e their fried rice and piss off back to their own countries, that's what . they can do. Anyway, what's the question?" "Well", said Popsicle. "I was just wondering if you knew anything S about who might have killed the dead nutmeg addict." u "Oh that's easy", said Mrs Busybody. "It was one of you coppers c that belted him over the head too hard during the raid yesterday. Good h job too. One less student in the world. Fred!" she called. "Start 'er up again!" And she slammed the door as the house began to shake again. a Popsicle went back to the car considering early retirement, and s found Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, who had by now recognised where he was and was trying to look as if he'd never been there before. . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . Popsicle will continue sometime before the end of time. TCWF will be back next week. Back-issues are u available; send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for m details. Does anyone want to hear about Rocket m Roger (rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu)? No? I thought . not. The author of that won't be surprised. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen e -- r Daniel Bowen, Monash University | r Melbourne, Australia------------| The boy stood on the burning deck . edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au| "No more cards", his mother said. . ====TCWF tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu====| . _______________________________________________________________________________ Original Rivetted Toxic Custard __ _ __ __ | | \ |__| | Number 73 - 2nd December 1991 TOXI| CUSTAR| | WORKSHO| FILE|__ Badly written by Daniel Bowen |__ |_/ | __|................................. Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing. I'm proud to say that the Toxic A Custard Workshop Files is not subject to any censorship whatsoever. So, n if I want to say that the ********** sucks, or that the **** ******* d ***** ********** ****** with cabbages, I can. Not to mention the University. Personally, I never believed that the Vice-Chancellor y ********** ***** **** ******* **** sheep. But apparently it's true. e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a , MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... t The Recession. Government? What have the bloody government got to do h with economics? Stuff all, I reckon. I mean, I know the government are e a bunch of idiots who pretend to run the country - and we pay them for y the privilege, but in fact they don't run anything. All they do is stand around in their big Houses of Parliament... why the hell is it d HouseS.. plural.. there's only one of them. I've seen it on the telly.. i one big huge humungous building that cost zillions. They stand around d in their House of Parliament .. well, they sit, mostly, the lazy gits, and they argue with each other all the time. I've seen that on the v telly, too. And for that they get paid loads of money. Anyway, do you e want to know who I blame for the recession? Do you? Oh, you don't, r okay. Well, I'm gonna bloody tell you anyway. It's not the government. i It's not the stock market people either - those yuppie gits in their l striped shirts standing on the trading floors shouting their heads off y to "Sell!" or "Buy! Buy! Buy!" or whatever the hell they're shouting.. I think they're trying to order lunch from the blokes at the front with r the chalk. "Pie! Pie! Pie!". You can tell, 'cos those prices on the e boards look very like the prices written on the big menu at the fish a and chips shop. Anyway, you think those gits in the stock exchange d could possibly have caused the recession? Nah, they can't even order a e hamburger successfully. I blame the recession on TV game shows. I mean, t it's obvious, isn't it. Those prize idiots are giving away bigger and h bigger prizes on their TV shows, to those smart arses that go on those shows. Great. They give away cars and holidays and VCRs... oh, those f bloody VCRs. Who can work the buggers? With all those buttons, you'd r think it controlled the bloody space shuttle. No, serious, I once saw a o film of inside the space control centre, and they were pressing little m buttons just like on the remote control on the video. Only instead of "Play" it said "Launch". No difference. And they blamed the Challenger t disaster on a rocket thingy exploding or whatever they blamed it on. h Nope. Absolutely not. Someone at NASA got hold of a control unit, e thinking it was for their vcr. They probably wanted to record Days Of Our Lives or something... and KABOOM. Seven astronauts blown into bits b the size of sand through an hourglass. Anyway, the recession. What was o I talking about? Game shows. Yeah. Every single person who goes on a o game show and wins a new telly or a matching set of fake gold jewellry k has to spend a day or two at a tv studio recording it, instead of at work. And that's why the country is in such a state. So, bloody Sale of o the Century... Wheel Of Fortune... they should be banned. It's all lost f worker productivity. Huh. Workers. Lazy gits, all of them. They should all be sacked. You know who I blame for workers being lazy? Unions. C Yeah, unions. They all want something for nothing, those bloody trade u unions. Minimum wages, I ask you.. safe working conditions..? I mean, s if more workers were killed in accidents, it would soon solve the t unemployment problems. a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r d THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* . Please note: The absence of asterisks in last week's episode was due to the international asterisk shortage. And because I forgot. A n *Popsicle* and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence are (or were, depending d on tense) hot (or cold, depending on the weather) on (or off, depending on the switch) the (or a, depending on the determinacy or otherwise of t the article) trail (or path, depending on your point of view, I expect) h of a gang nutmeg dealers. After investigating closely the scene of a e nutmeg-related murder in the previous episode, they spent the first paragraph of this episode explaining what they had been doing in the s previous episode. c *Popsicle* decided to try something different in finding out the r identities of nutmeg dealers in the area. He looked up "Nutmeg" in the i Yellow Pages. And found sod all. He was desperate by now, but decided p he should think about the case instead. As *Popsicle* and the Inspector t drove along in the exceptionally fabulously designed and exceptionally u cheaply built A.R.S.E. custom vehicle, they just happened (pure r coincidence, you understand; not just a plot device to finish up the e story quickly due to the author running out of ideas) to see a truck in s front of them, which suddenly swerved, distributing a large number of nutmegs on the road. *Popsicle*, having decided to drive on this w occasion, opened a window and let out a whoop that had got inside the e car somehow, and sped after the truck, while the Inspector turned on r the special A.R.S.E. siren that was fitted to their car. e "Halt! You, yes *you*, the one in the large white truck, are being pursued by the Australian Royal Security Establishment. Please stop l your vehicle and surrender before we blow your fuckin' brains out", o said the spoken bit of the siren, which was accompanied by the loud n wailing of the siren which made the spoken bit almost unintelligible. g The truck driver either decided that he didn't want to stop, or , couldn't hear the spoken bit of the siren, since he kept driving. *Popsicle* ran over a couple of small dogs as he increased speed, and b turned quickly into a laneway to follow the truck. Both vehicles sped o through lanes and streets, going bloody fast and miraculously not r hitting anything though they were on the wrong side of the road half i the time and ignoring all the traffic lights, just like on car chase n films. After half a dozen cliched turns, it was getting very boring for g the readers, so the truck ran out of petrol and slid to a halt by a pile of dustbins. a n WILL THE AUTHOR HAVE THE TIME TO WRITE A DECENT EPISODE NEXT WEEK? d ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o That was another of them Toxic Custard Workshops. And t The Adventures of *Popsicle* will continue sometime after now, and sometime before they finish. Back-issues v of this crud are now available. If you must, then e send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details, or reply r to this. Also rumoured to be still available is the y tedious adventures of Rocket Roger. For that, send mail to rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu Can you hear "With a f little plug from my friends" playing in the background? u ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n n Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen Wall Street Rally y -- _________ _________ . Daniel Bowen, Monash University | |DOW JONES| ________ |GREENBACK| Melbourne, Australia------------| | FOR | |FT INDEX| | We love | At a new, unknown e-mail address| |PRESIDENT| |RULES OK| |___you___| ------tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| |_________| |________| _______________________________________________________________________________ Highly Combustible Toxic Custard ::::: ::::: : : ::::: ::::: : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #74 T : : : : : : : : 9th December 1991 h : : : : : :::: : ::::: Written by Daniel Bowen e ..:...:::::.:::::.:.........:.....:......(vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au) r e This is like, the Hippy News, so mellow out. That mega-heavy dude the Prime Minister spilled out a big floral shoulder-bag full of bad vibes on i Friday when he kicked the chief bread-head John Kerin from the s Treasurer's position, which is like a real shame man, 'cos John was like one of the mellowest and coolest Treasurers ever. Okay, so the recession o is really really heavy and uncool, but all you gotta do is take it slow, n roll yourself a joint and take it easy, man, it'll sort itself out. l - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y THE TWO SIDES OF THE BRAIN o n - I *want* that chocolate. e -- Don't be silly, it's too sweet; it'll rot your teeth. p e - One little chocolate can't hurt. r s -- All your teeth will fall out and everyone will laugh at you for having o no teeth and you'll have to pay the dentist three zillion dollars to have n a full set of false ones put in. m - Mmm... milk chocolate. I can't resist milk chocolate. o r -- That one chocolate will mean you'll have to exercise for ten hours e every day for the next two years to burn off the excess fat you gain from it. You'll be bloated, huge, round. You won't walk out of the 7-11; s you'll roll out. You'll look like the enormous fat pig that you are, you t chocolate maniac. u p - One chocolate... just one. i d -- Oh sure, you say just one. But you'll get hooked and be eating thirty a day for the rest of your life. Hideous spots will appear all over your t face, and you'll look completely repulsive to any other members of the h human race. a n - But it looks so *tasty*! t -- Well of course it looks tasty. It's specially developed by the h chocolate companies to look tasty. You don't think they'd market a e chocolate that looked totally revolting, do you? It's meant to look sumptuous, seductive and delicious. But that chocolate will block your a arteries.. you'll have heart disease or something horribly gory and u dangerous like a heart attack. You'll be dead before you've even thrown t away the wrapper. h o - I love chocolate. I want that chocolate. r -- Oh sod it, you're right. Eat eat eat! o - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f Once upon a time there lived a frog, who basically spent most of his time t hanging around a swamp. He would have hopped around instead, but he was a h very rebellious frog, who felt that he shouldn't have to be subjected to i the usual frog cliches in fairy-tales. Anyway, this frog naturally wanted s to go far in the world. He was aiming for promotion, hopefully before the story finished, and was therefore forever on the lookout for any good u looking princesses who might be hanging around as well. With luck he'd be s able to get a kiss from one to transmogrify himself into a fairly rich, e moderately handsome and well-hung prince. l The frog's name was Roger, pronounced "Rogger" for reasons that will e be apparent to all but the most unknowledgable of readers. Roger s preferred to be known as Rog (pronounced "Rogg") so we'll stop calling s him Roger and start calling him Rog, beginning with the next paragraph. Rog was having a pretty rotten day, all things considered. He'd not s spotted any princesses around the swamp all day, not even a hideously i ugly one, and to can it all, he had a migraine. There was a mist rising d above the swamp, and he decided, in a move destined to anger those e supporting more radical roles for frogs in stories, to bounce home. w After passing a Pipa, he bounced into a very misty area of the swamp, a landing on a log, where he found a (lo and behold!) princess. The y princess was sitting on the log, and looked down at Rog, who grinned s back. Rog realised that this particular log was in the centre of the marsh, which was not a particularly likely or terrific place for a m princess to be sitting. But hell, it was just the way the story was e running, so it would have to be here. s "Yeuch, a frog!" screamed the princess in Greek, mainly because she s was Greek, the dialogue being shown in English because the author and a most of the readers didn't speak Greek. The princess, being a typically g civilised and dignified member of the human race, was of course armed to e the teeth. But also being only a young child princess (not really one of . the ones Rog had been looking for), the weapon in this princess' possession was a slingshot. Which she fired roughly in Rog's direction - A not a very friendly thing to do in the circumstances; something which n became obvious when the small stone from the slingshot hit Rog, most of d whom exploded in a splash of green bits. And all that Rog the Frog had wanted to do was to snog with a wog on a log in the bog during a fog. t h - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a t MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... ' Fairy tales. It's shocking the junk that we feed our kids. Thank Christ s they're moving away from that bullcrap nowadays, and giving them those Teenage Mutated Ninja Tortoises. Those fairy tales were just promoting y boring peaceful sixties values in our kiddies. Well, okay, I know that o most of them were written before the 1960s, but that's not the point; u most fairy tales were written in the sixties of different centuries, ; which throughout history have been known for their revolutionary music and peaceful long-haired people. The Great Fire of London actually t started from a commune of seventeenth century hippies who lost control of h a Restoration joint. See how dangerous drugs are? It's that type of e peaceloving wet wimp what wrote those things. The whole concept of fairy tales corrupted the little kiddies for years, you know. Just the name is o suspect. "Fairy"? I blame AIDS on fairy tales. It's fairy tales that n promote peace and love and stuff.. and of course we all know who's to e blame for AIDS. Well, those immigrants brought it over from Africa, didn't they; then they gave it to the gays and the drug users through the r toilet seats and stuff. I think we should ship all of them, all the poofs e and all the drug users and blacks and immigrants and haemophiliacs to a Africa and re-build every toilet in the country. That'd get rid of AIDS d for good. i n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g Toxic Custard is over for another week, thank God. For back-issues mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen . -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia------------With his second vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---shortest sig ever! _______________________________________________________________________________ Toxic Blue/Green Custard Algae ....______..._______................................................... . T /C |W F TOXIC Number 75 . . / |_____ CUSTARD by Daniel Bowen . . / \ WORKSHOP vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au . ....../......______/...FILES.........Accept no Pictures of Lily........ MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... E The Arts. What a load of poncy namby-pamby poofters artists are. Look v at ballet.. you know it's true that no-one in ballet is over thirty. e It's so competitive that ballet dancers are all killed by their rivals r within a year or two of making it big (principally in the crotch y department, needless to say). Ballet people who survive usually have bullet-proof leotards, and become famous choreographers in their old w age. Just as well that only a few get that far really, or there'd be an e oversupply of famous choreographers. Imagine wild, unemployed famous e choreographers roaming the streets threatening people with their k pirouettes. Anyway, apart from ballet, there's painters. Why the hell don't i they make themselves useful and paint walls and houses and stuff, t instead of painting on bits of canvas. Though they'd have to paint ' different stuff.. I know I wouldn't want some topless woman painted on s *my* outside wall for Fred to stare at and the neighbours to gossip about. Some of those artistic splodges wouldn't be too bad - they'd a hide the stains well. Then there's musicians. With their noisy instruments. Quite apart w from those roll and rock people, who should all be beheaded for causing o noise pollution, all the poncy artistic classical twits. Ever noticed r how an orchestra is arranged in a formation that looks just like the r politicians in parliament? Classical music represents class.. y authority.. posh gits. And if they're all so musical, how come almost : anything you hear with only one instrument sounds like crap? Writers? Yuck. Ludicrous little-brained literature loving loonies. As for sculptors - disgusting, I call them. I blame most of w society's ills on sculptors. Bending their soft moist clay into all h sorts of filthy phallic symbols of disproportionate dimensions. They a should all be strung up by the testicles in public places, they'd soon t learn the importance of the genitalia and that it shouldn't be mocked or modelled or stretched. w i - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l l THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* g *Popsicle* and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence are very hot on the trail o of a gang of nutmeg dealers. Having stopped a nutmeg truck by chasing it for so long that it ran out of petrol, *Popsicle* and the Inspector i are about to confront the driver, and, if they possibly can, blow his n brains out all over the pavement, drowning a nearby small dog in blood, in a horrifying cliche directly lifted from nine out of ten violent t police films. h Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, having forgotten that he had e forgotten to bring his gun, pulled his banana (that his mum had given to him as part of his lunch that day) from his holster and ran over to s the driver's side of the truck, brandishing it. With a deft movement of i his other hand, he pulled the door handle open and leapt into the d cabin, pushing the potentially lethal banana into the driver's face. e "Freeze, punk!" he screamed. w "But I'm not a punk", replied the driver, "I'm a supporter of the a reactivist-socio-modernist subgroup of the Footscraynian school of y political activism." s "So why do you have spiky purple hair, a leather jacket and torn jeans?" screamed the Inspector. m "It's my day off." e "Okay, pu.. Okay, supporter of the reactivist-socio-subgroup s modernist convert of the Footscraynian school of political activism: s freeze or I'll get violent and put the inside of this truck in grave a need of a respray job!" screamed the Inspector, who had done quite well g in a screaming course at the Police training school. e "Okay man, okay. Keep maricultural", said the driver, who had now figured out that it might be a good idea to raise his hands, and had t done so. h While *Popsicle* continued to look on, coolly leaning against the i car with the radio in his hand, trying to look like the sex symbol of s the team, the Inspector pulled the driver out of the truck and pushed him into a pile of dustbins. t "Listen man, garbology examination studies aren't generally my i scene, right? And besides, if a garbo turns up now he's going to be m really generally pretty pissed off about the whole street/waste e situation re the garbage, you know?" ? "Shuddup pu.. fucker! Now fuckin' listen to me!" the Inspector screamed. "Me and my fuckin' colleague are on the fuckin' trail of a C gang of fuckin' nutmeg smugglers. And we saw fuckin' nutmegs coming out o of the back of your fuckin' motor, right? So, how the fuck do you m fuckin' explain that?" p "Hey man, lay off the vulgar quadruple letter arrangements or l you'll really like isolate yourself from the readers." e "Fuck them, I wanna know about the fuckin' nutmeg!" screamed the t Inspector. e "Oh well like that's easy. I've never seen that stuff before. I borrowed the truck from this really rad dude on campus. He said I could c borrow it to collect the joints for the party tonight on the condition r that I drop off the supply of cooking materials to his mate first." a "Right!" screamed the Inspector. "So what's the fuckin' name this p fuckin' dude fucker?!?" "Rob", replied the ex-driver, now partially submerged in a garbage a bin. "He's a lecturer at the university." s *Popsicle* sauntered over and pulled the man out of the bin, coolly dusted him off and said coolly "Okay. That's cool. That's all the info u we wanted. See you. Stay cool." s The Inspector put the banana back in his holster and followed u *Popsicle* back to the A.R.S.E vehicle, which in the great movie a tradition had been left on an angle half on the curb with its lights l still flashing and all the doors open. With a tricky but extremely , smooth and cool procedure, *Popsicle* swerved the car back onto the road in such a way that all the doors closed themselves and sped i towards the university. s ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t Toxic Custard Workshop Files is over for another week; h praise the Lord. The proclaimation has come forth from on e high, and reads as follows: Back-issues are available - send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. a ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n -- s Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen w -- e Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Wanted: Two masked men r Melbourne Australia | who stole the signature . vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | quote from this week's TCWF- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Toxic Custard. _______________________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen May be copied or reproduced without permission provided this notice remains intact. -- Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling ----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]