THO #10, BY MABCOSS. He introduces it himself, so I don't see why I have to write anything here. :) Chronicles of Pat Foreword: An Introduction to the Story Welcome to the 44th Dimension. Rejoice, strangers. You have come to read the fabled and infamous Chronicles of Pat. Perhaps you shall realize that there is a Pat in your own neighborhood. Perhaps you are a Pat. <>.... Well. Please, join us for the story of a lifetime. I shall see you inside. The "Chronicles of Pat" was written by two teenagers in 1992-1994. It started as a humorous note passed in the classroom by yours truly.. but Mr G took it seriously. For one and a half years, we spent entire minutes at a time writing this series. And now it is available to you, for your own enjoyment. We ourselves have had many great laughs over the short story. When you live in Brick Township, New Jersey, like we do, you *need* a laugh once in a while. Anyway, here's a list of restrictions for reading this book: One, people with heart or lung disorders should not read it. You'll laugh too much. Also, if you *are* a Pat, do not read this book, either. We don't feel like having our heads nailed to a cactus anymore. I'm out of Tylenol, anyway. The story was written mainly under the teachings of Mrs. R., but I don't think she even knows about it. Veteran's Memorial Middle School (the location of many of the evil happenings in this story) is where we went to school during 7th and 8th grade, and it is where you will find many of the great landmarks noted on in the story. But please.. don't go there without a gas mask. Pat went to this school, as well. Well, I don't want to keep you waiting.. Go on and read. Just don't blame us. - Mr M Hi! Mr G here. Mr M didn't want to keep you waiting, but I don't mind. The book that you are about to experience is an amazing occur- ence in the world of (il)literacy. The Chronicles of Pat was a fun story to write, but it is also a very serious thing (to those who understand it- basically only Mr M and I). We worked hard on this story. Mr M did a chapter, then I did one, and so on, so that we could bring you the thrill of your life. Please, no flash photography. Keep your hands and feet inside the nuclear reactor as you prepare for: The CHRoNiCLES of PaT! - Mr G Chapter I: How It All Began One stormy day in the park, a mother bear lost her weakling child. Actually, she left it there on purpose. The bear started to die, but just then, there was a great acid rain storm, and the bear mutated into what we now call "Patrick." Chapter II: The Reacquaintance The Pat-monster continued to live normally (relatively speaking, of course) until his mother came back and slashed up his face. He decided he had to get away. He came to VMMS, and he fit in quite well. Now, his sixth year in seventh grade, trouble comes upon him, and that was the start of it all. Chapter III: The Monarch of Mr M One day, Pat met a cruel wizard named Mr M. Mr M stole his calc- ulator, his french fries, and his self-esteem. The Monarch of Mr M had even used his hypnotizing powers to make Pat *tell* him to take his fries. Mr M kept bugging Patrick until Patrick nailed his head to a cactus. Chapter IV: The Origin of Mr G While Patrick was on a trip to Brazil (to look for a cure to his hid- eousness), he encountered a supernatural being with incredible power; possibly the Lord of Evil himself, Satan. Patrick went to a village that possessed the cure, but abruptly the village was surrounded by flames. Then a figure dressed in black with dark red blood dripping from its body appeared. "I am Lord Mephisto, Prince of Evil, Master of Hell," said the eternal being. "What are you?" stared Patrick in shock. "I am the essence of eternal evil." From then on, Mr G (as he is mortally known) became a powerful enemy for the mighty mutant freak that we know as Patrick. Mr G was able to use his powers to stealthily sneak up on Pat and take his books, pens, french fries, and calculator. Chapter V: The Lethal Team Begins When Mr G met Mighty Mr M, they combined forces to form the most lethal enemy to Pat since his mother! They attacked from all sides, stealing all of Pat's possessions, until Pat broke down and fell in a pool of blood. All thought he was dead, but then the blood slowly entered Pat's body again and he got up. He was heard to whisper, as he got up, the words: "Thank you, Mother." He ran away from Mr G amd Mr M immediately, but this incident did not deter the FT, since they now knew that they had hope yet: Pat's mother had revived Patrick's soul, only so that he could feel more pain and suffering. Chapter VI: Acupuncture & the VYI Pat had liked his life up until he met the FT. One day, while the FT was attempting their first acupuncture on Pat, a new being came along, named VYI. VYI was a vicious thing that infected people's bodies. Pat could not be directly infected because there was nothing there where VYI usually infected things. But VYI was a new enemy of Pat, and so, it set off to find a new way to attack and destroy him. Meanwhile, the FT was walking to their favorite place to torture Pat: VMMS. Chapter VII: HeeKi the Oriental Wizard While on an archaeology expedition to Poland (Pat's home country), Pat came across an enchanted vending machine. "I've never seen that candy bar before, but I'll eat it anyway." Pat put fifty cents in the machine and pressed the glowing button labeled "Do Not Push." A candy bar dropped from its rack. Pat picked it up and opened the wrapper. The candy bar was dripping with ooze and was covered by numerous insects. "I knew they had what I wanted!" said Pat with a grin. As Pat lifted it laborously to his mouth, it exploded into many thousands of minute pieces, which slowly merged together to form.... HeeKi the Oriental Wizard! At first, HeeKi played friends with Pat, but then aided the FT on many occasions to help them in their war against Pat. Chapter VIII: Pat meets Dan, the Living Shoe While eating some neighborhood cannibals, Pat heard a knock at the door. He got off his highchair and opened the door. There was a giant shoe standing there. "Hi! I'm Dan the Living Shoe, and I'm a fellow ugly mutant! Would you like to ally yourself with me?" "Sure, Dan; I'd love to join you in a team so that we could fight the FT!" "That's great," said Dan, "but right now, we have to fight some of *my* enemies: 'Dave the 10-Ton Ball of Hay' and 'Parker the Bloated Ghost.'" Pat and Dan went to the Mountain of Rabid Rat, where they saw two glaciers. Just then, (lucky for their noses) they realized they were the BT (the Bloated Two)! Dan leaped and kicked Dave in the butt. Dave fell to the ground, but didn't stop there.. he left a 10-foot dent in the soil, as well. Pat then breathed in Parker's face and Parker fell down, unconscious. The MT (as they finally had decided to call themselves, after the Mutated Two) then went home and made wild passionate love. The BT was gone for now, but they'd be back; the MT knew it. Chapter IX: The Great Battle "Hiiii--yah! Hi-yah!" were the sounds that came from the FT (now the Fabulous Three, since HeeKi the Oriental Wizard had joined the team) HQ that day as HeeKi chopped boards in half, preparing for the FT's conflict with the MT. That afternoon, the FT met in front of Pat's outhouse. "Come out with your tentacles up!" yelled Mr M. As Pat and Dan came out, HeeKi immediately jump-kicked Pat in the gut. Dan then stepped on HeeKi (although HeeKi packed a punch, his weakness was that, as he was only 4 millimeters tall, he could not reach much higher than the pelvic area of any human-related organism), but the kick that Pat received had triggered a reaction: Pat released a giant burp. When the FT woke up, they were lying in hospital beds. The first attack the new FT took against the new MT had ended in defeat and failure... but there would be others. There was no question about that. Chapter X: Metamorphosis "Look, I've told you a million times: Keep your damn toenail clippings out of my coffee, Pat!" "I'm sorry, Dan, but if you'd stop shaving your butthairs over my Frosted Mini-Wheats, we wouldn't have this problem!" "Ya know, Pat.... You're a big clump of Athlete's Foot!" "That's IT!" yelled Pat in reply. Pat pulled Dan's (do not forget that Dan is a living shoe) shoelace and untied it. Dan abruptly fell into a coma. Pat fell to his knees and began to weep. "What have I done? What have I done?!" Chapter XI: Pat's Weakness There was a knock at the door of FT HeadQuarters. "I'll get it," said Mr G. He opened the door. "Pat, what are you doing here?!" "I know that you have mystical powers, so will you please please please please pleeease bring my friend Dan out of his coma?" "Only if you give me your golden blue calculator." Pat thought about this and then replied, "Would you rather have my chocolate milk at lunch?" Mr G knew that Pat would rather let Dan die than give up his Golden Blue Calculator. "Agreed," replied Mr G. "Now I shall cast my spell! ..Hejo Nethes Moro; restore Pat's friend, the mighty Living Shoe!" Pat ran out the door and went home. Chapter XII: The Crow of Nike When Pat got home, he searched all over for Dan. He was nowhere to be found. All of a sudden, Pat heard "Caw!" from the closet. He ran over there, opened the door, and got pecked in the head 416 times by Dan, who was now the Crow of Nike. "Can you talk?" Pat asked Dan. "Caw! Yes!" "This is great! Now you can fly over enemy territory and spy! And you can also drop natural fiber missiles!" "You're sick, Pat." Chapter XIII: The Second Battle Later, after the MT had tested out their new ..ahem.. weapon.... the Bloated Two showed up, and they were ready for a new fight. Dan was trying to figure out whether to peck them to death, or drop missles, when they charged. The BT immediately began bouncing, and crushed Dan and Pat like pancakes. But, with his crowlike powers, Dan had also achieved immortality. He found a hole in Pat (who knows where), stuck his beak in, and blew him up. They were again a team, and went off to whip the BT. First, Dan popped Parker, and the amazing explosion whacked Pat into his accomplice, and the entire BT was gone forever. (Simple, wasn't it?) (Note that Parker was a ghost, and that Dave was a ten-ton ball of hay. Each could easily find their way back to Patrick.) Chapter XIV: Reloading Time Pat and Dan were somewhat discouraged-- they now had no more playthings. They were all blown up after the Second Battle. There was an uneasy air about them that told them that destruction was near. But they would not give up. Pat continued to feed Dan shoelaces and birdseed, and Dan built up his supply of NFMs, or Natural Fiber Missiles. Finally, the time came when it was meant for them to decide. Chapter XV: Pat and Dan Realize the Truth After a heated argument with Dan about who was the weirder, Pat sat down and sighed. "You're right, Dan. I'm a geek. A nerd. A slashed up bear. What can I say?" "No... You're right. I'M the idiot. I should be put in a birdcage. You carry on with your life. Watch those Frosted Mini-Wheats. Seeya around sometime." "Wait!! ....We're both geeks. Let's surrender to the FT." Dan agreed. Chapter XVI: The Confrontation of Ryan Rivarera "Sh! ..Do you hear that, Dan?" "I certainly do, Pat. It's your mom calling you." "No! It's something even worse.. LOOK!" They peeked in a side window of the FT's castle. And screamed. Then fainted. Pat and Dan woke up in their own shack. "I just had THE WEIRDEST dream." "Wait'll you hear MINE...." Chapter XVII: The Beginning of an End "Destroy it! It's uncontrollable! It could kill us all!" said the angry scientist. "It's too late; he's too large!!" screamed another. "And he's already stolen my collection of PlayGirl magazines!" "Watch out! He's raving again!! ...Let's get outta here!!" Chapter XVIII: The Third and Final Battle "Throw it here, Dan!" said Pat. Pat and Dan were playing their usual game of throwing a rather large piece of Dan-Crap [ 1993]. "What's that smell?!" Dan said limburgerey. What appeared to be a combination of the Blob, a bearded lady from the circus, and a two-headed hermaphidite appeared on the scene. "What the hell are you, you freak?!" Pat said, mindlessly forgetting that he himself is a freak. "I am Ryan Rivarera, the product of a cross between a donkey and a pencil sharpener - a science experiment gone bad, like Doc Frankenstien's monster or McDonald's Ronald." "Well, not for long! C'mon, right now, freak!!" Thus began - and ended - the final downfall of the first Patrick. Author's Note: Prepare Yourselves, Earthlings! Wow. We finally finished it. After almost two years, the Chronicles of Pat is FINISHED. Amazing. Now all I need is for someone to delete this file. Well, I'm not letting THAT happen. I'll destroy all my Frosted Mini-Wheats, and keep a set of Dan's shoelaces by the keyboard. Oh. You're here. Well, it's about time. ..Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that there are STILL MORE PATS out there! (The Pat that this story centered about is still alive, although not well... He's 14 years old and lives in central New Jersey.) Be CAREFUL! If you encounter one, don't let him get you anywhere NEAR a cactus, or his mom's armpits, for that matter. Report it immediately to us. You may receive a small prize. (Yeah, like a HeeKi emblem or some crap like that.) Well, there's really nothing more to say. We hope you liked the short story... (really lame ending) See you around! Also, look for our latest work in the near future-- The CHRoNiCLES of PaT! ][ : The Next Era! - Your Dedicated Authors