ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ AbraxasÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û #12 Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ (Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.) Hey dudes. It's been awhile since we (I) released anything, so I thought I'd tide you over with this sordid tale of teenage rebellion. This was originally a mail addressed to my pal Slick Eddie, so that's why it's written assuming you know what the places are. Umm. Willowbrook's a mall, just so that you know. I also wrote the mail while coming down from my cheap high, so pardon my wicked writing style. Oh yeah. Visit the damned Vomit web page. (HTTP://www.gti.net/vomit) It's really rad. You're not our friend unless you visit it. Stay tuned for more incredibly thought-provoking stuff after this tale. It all took place on September 6th (The day after my birthday! Whoo!!! In case you care, I turned 17. And I guess it's time I told you bums my real name.... It's Bryan, you nosy sonuvabitch.) It went down like this, homey. I was my 'puter last night around ten when Nekkid Johnny called. So the first thing I says is "Say you're sorry!" (I was referring to him not showing up at my party, even though he said he would go.) So he apologizes, and then he says "We're cutting tomorrow." And you know how us humans are. My left brain immediately said "Nuh-uh! No way! No how!". But I was intrigued, so I moved to the phone in my room. Well, he wanted me to wait by Boonton field. "No can do, Johnny," I replied. So I asked him if he knew about Meadtown, since me and Russ man always stop there for bagels. He didn't know (of course). So I gave him directions. I had him repeat them over and over again. I had them write them down in triplicate. I gave him alternate routes. I did this all as a precaution for his horrible sense of direction. Well, we ironed out the kinks (as best we could), and the plan was for him to meet me by the blockbuster in Meadtown around 8. So I went to bed that night. I awoke, eagerly anticipating the coming day of decadence. I called Russ man, and Russ said that Ginger might tell on me. God damned bitch always has to ride with us. I thought she wasn't the tattle-type. Anyway, Russ, being the good friend that he is, came to pick me up early, and drove me to Meadtown, and then went back home to get his fat-ass sister. What a pal. He told Ginger that I was sick today, and that he brought over some Bruce Lee tapes for me to watch while I was sick. Well, I had about an hour to kill, 'cause Nekkid couldn't leave his house until 7:30 otherwise his parents would be suspicious. So I went into the oh-so-clean woods behind Butler Bowl. I sat on a rock, and read my Trigonometry book. (I had put it in my book bag just in case.) Oh yeah, I had packed some bang snaps, Gatorade, dextromethorphan, and Dramamines. And money too. Oh yeah, and some candy. Well I was reading my trig book, and I got bored, so I explored the little woods they got back there. Then around 7:30 I went to Blockbuster. I was muy nervioso porque there were lots of people going in an out of Meadtown, and any of them could've been a member of the enemies' party. I even saw a cop car! GASP! One dude looked like Mr. Waite, so I was a-scared. So I waited, and around 8 I got anxious. I never really thought that Nekkid would find me. Finally he did, and I was elated. He didn't get lost at all! Whoo! So I got in his car, and popped one Dramamine and 6 dextromethorphans. He commented on my pussyness of doing over-the-counter drugs, and also claimed his disbelief that they actually 'cause a trip. Well, we stopped for gas at the getty, and I had to pay 5 dollars! BOO HOO! HE bought some cigarettes in da Getty. He commented on their low low price. We decided to go to Willowbrook. WHOO! Of course we got lost on the way there, and made several U turns, covering the same stretch of Highway about three times, listening to Metallica the whole time. We didn't care. We're rebellious kids. We dunno where we goin' and we don't care. Oh yeah, to wash down the pills, I drank a bottle of Gatorade, and ate a solitary blueberry bagel. Well, we get to Willowbrook, and we decide to wait in the parking lot and smoke, as us cool teenagers do. I said I was in no mood to smoke. I felt nauseous. He said that cigarettes help your tummy feel better. I disagreed. Well, suddenly I vomited all over the parking lot. Green spew! Green from the Gatorade! The most bestest color that vomit can be! GREEN! It was so undigested that it didn't even taste bad. Well, about 30 seconds later, I hurled again. Johnny is just saying "Feels good, don't it?". Then came a final hurl, and that brought up the bagel. Well, I immediately felt better, and made a mental note to have my stomach more filled next time I took some dextromethorphan. I was pissed that now my high was ruined. Well it wasn't completely. Some had already gotten into my system. So I was my uncharacteristic out-going devil-may-care without-a-worry-in-the-world talk-to-complete-stranger self. So we go into Willowbrook, and it was so awesome how empty it was. The Food court had NOBODY in it. John took a whiz. I was high. I don't care! BLARGH! Well, we walked around, and most of the stores had those little gates on them. So we went to Friendly's. I had a tough time verbalizing my order to the kindly old lady. I believe I used the word "Whatever" to substitute words that I couldn't think of. God! GAG ME! I'm totally Generation X-er now! Ok, so we eats our breakfast, and go to the stores, which were now open. While eating breakfast, I talked loudly about how he was gonna steal me a birthday present. "Shut the fuck up, stupid!" "Oh yeah. huhuhuhuhuh. I'm high." So we eat our breakfast, and walk around the mall. I'm singing and my head is held high. I'm on drugs! I'm happy! So we went to this shitty music store the size of a closet and with the music selection of a five year old girl's tape rack. I had a black bookbag on. So I guess I looked like a Billy Badass. So the fucker working there takes a CD, and runs it through the entrance. And a beeping went off. "See that, guys? It works" Asshole. Prick. PRICK! Just 'cause 99% of my generation are a bunch of fuck-up petty thieves gives you no right to demean us! YEAH! I was high, so I didn't know what was going on. ============================================================================ *****Note: If I wasn't intoxicated, I would've responded to this chap in a very cool manner. After he said "See that, guys? It works!" I would've pulled out my gun and said "This works too. Up against the wall, motherfucker!"**** ========================================================================== The escalators were fun to ride while high. Well, we went to KayBee, and John was playing Play Station for five seconds, and this guy comes up to us, and says "You have to be 18 to be here." I was high. I wasn't paying attention. I was just grinning stupidly. So John had to talk. "Excuse me?" "You have to be 18 to be here on a school day." "We're 19." "Uh-huh." Well, the fucker moved five feet away, and just stared at us, so John quit playing Playstation, walked past and said "School starts next week." Damn. I was high and I realized he'd fucked up. 19-year-olds don't go to public school, stupid. Unless they're hoodlums. =========================================================================== *****Another note: If I had been my witty self after the all-powerful stock-boy said "You have to be 18 to be here" I would've said "Why? Are there strippers?"***** =========================================================================== Well, we walked to the midsection of the store, and then we both decided to get the fuck out. We had had enough of the mall and it's oh-so-mean anti-teenage laws. It was still cool how empty it was. So we went to Fun & Games. We were the only ones in there. This is around 10 AM. So John blows like 3 bucks playing Marvel Comic superheros or something. He sucked. I didn't play any games. I don't think 50 cents a game is very fair, knowwhatImean? 'Sides, I need to save my quarters for whores. And the guys there didn't bother us. They even gave John change. No questions about what us youngins were doing there when we should be in school. So we go outside, and smoke. John taught me how to inhale. Start out by inhaling just a teeny amount of smoke, and build up. I was so proud of my self for finally being able to inhale a cigarette. I just smoke socially. Her her her. We went to his car, smoked some more. I looked at my puke that was still festering on the pavement. I through some bang snaps in it, hoping my puke would be flammable and explode when the bang snaps hit. It did not. I was so gone. The first time I had really introduced nicotine into my system, and some dextromethorphan. I was a regular wacky-ass. Then we drove. John just wanted to drive. So we drove a lot. Made it almost all the way to hackettstown. Then we drove back to Montville. We stopped at this awesome CD store. The guy there must be stealing boxes of CD's. They're so goddamned cheap. No CD higher than $9.99. Even brand new releases. His selection wasn't all that good. Wasn't all that good for the average punk-wannabe poseur hip-hop teen, that is. Perfect for me. Tons of 80's metal and rock. YEAH! I ended up buying 5 cd's for $26. And the guy also gave us free tapes of some local band. We listened to that in the car. WHOOO! Then we drove some more. I didn't care. I'm high. I don't care what we do. BLAH! John showed me his old neighborhood in Boonton, and his old house. Then he says he has to bring me back home early 'cause he can't drive past his school to get to his house when football practice is going on. The whole reason he cut today was because for some reason that I didn't understand, he couldn't go to football practice today, and the only way out is if you don't go to school. So He dropped me off in some woods near my house. I sat around for a while. Contemplating my course of action. If it started to rain, I was fucked, 'cause then my mommy would go down the street in the car to pick me up from the bus stop. Well, I went to some woods real close to my yard, and hid behind some of my dad's shit in the yard to scope the place out. See if I could hear my mom sobbing and my dad yelling "Just wait 'till that lil' bastard gets home!" But I didn't hear that. Oh good. So I had about an hour to kill before I could go in. Well, my mom is home, obviously. Suddenly my dad pulls into the driveway. This is not a good sign. I'm figuring my mom called him saying "Bryan's not at school! WAAAAAH!!!!". But ya know, sometimes he just comes home from work when he feels like it. So it started drizzling. And then stopping. then starting. I'm praying that there's not a downpour, otherwise my mom will go pick me up. Well, I finally went through the woods to my bus stop, and hid, waiting for my bus to come and drop off a girl who lives on my street. I spent the time picking off burs from the woods, and hiding my drugs and cig in my undies in case I went home and my parents looked through my bag. They would never search the undies, man! And I ate some juicefuls to make my breath fruity. Then the bus came, and the girl gets off. So I go up behind her and walk. She must've been having the strangest thoughts. "Wait a minute! He wasn't at school! He wasn't on the bus! I didn't see him get off! How the fuck did he get there?" Well, I walked to my house and was a bit nervous. This was the moment of truth. To see if I had gotten away with it. Well, I got to the door and momma was there to greet me with a smile. YAY! I DID IT! WHOOO!!! So that's how my cut went. THE END. And that's the end of the story folks. I forgot to include this really cool part when I originally wrote it, so I'll let you know now. At one point in Me and Nekkid Johnny's quest, Johnny started hitting light blue garbage cans on the side of the road with his volvo. He did this because "I don't like that color." And if you're really one nosy sonuvabitch, I'll tell you what five CD's I bought: 1. Aerosmith's Greatest Hits (Dream on! Dream on! DREAM ON!) 2. Use Your Illusion I & II (Well, he gets it.) 3. Ugly Kid Joe: As Ugly As They Wanna Be (I hate everything about you.) 5. Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood (He makes me feel alright.) There you go. As you can see I have awesome music tastes. I still dunno how he sells them so cheap, but Use Your Illusion I's little booklet was wrinkly and crusty. I think it was jizzed on. Up next in this issue of crap is one rather interesting fan letter that I got here at the Vomit offices. (That's eighties@gti.net) Subject: Great page Guys Dear Vomit Head Writer, I have read your magazine and I LOVE IT! Your Web page is great too...Make sure to update it often. Let me introduce myself. My name is Kate and I live in Buffalo New York. I am 5'9, Brown Hair, and Blue eyes. I am really dying to meet you. I am no beauty but I can assure you that I am not anyway ugly. I have gone out with plenty of guys. I am the type of girl who weights personality much greater than looks. I am pretty slim at 120 and I consider my self pretty full at top. (36 C to be exact) ;) I am not afraid to experiment and would really love to meet you sometime. I don't know where you live but make sure to write back and tell me. Anyway, to explain myself further, I consider myself very free. I am the type of girl who hardly ever wears Bra's and I would rather would walk around naked than with clothes. The clothes I do wear are skimpy and very revealing, not because I am a slut, but because I enjoy having nothing on. I feel if you have the goods why not show them off. Wow. I am getting really horny writing this message. I don't know how to explain it but something about your writing really intrigues me. I, myself, enjoying reading and writing short stories; however your writing is something special. Your witty and dry sense of humor is very entertaining. God, I am actually getting wet writing this. My heart is starting to beat rapidly. As I write this I am naked. My computer is up in my room and no one is home so I often sit at my computer naked. I love the feel of the cool seat pressed against my cunt. Do you masturbate? I do. Often times I sit at my computer and gingerly caress my outer vaginal region just to get some slight pleasure. And sometimes I venture inside and jam my fingers straight up my cunt. I usually get really into the whole thing--I can be seen bucking up and down on the chair. My tight ass lands hard on the chair in rapid succession. My whole upper body, including my hard and large breasts, arch forward like a Olympic Diver making a entrance into the water. My breasts press hard against my chin and I love sucking on them while masturbating. Wow I am really getting into this. Anyway please write back! As you can see I am a very entertaing, smart, and free person...Just like you! Kate Well, Kate, thanks for this lovely letter. It really gave me a rise. Well, now to answer your questions: ****I live in Kinnelon, NJ. ****"Do you masturbate?" Only on Sundays, just to piss God off. That wraps up this issue, dudes. One plea to our male readers: Please do not masturbate while reading Kate's letter. It would make me feel really dirty, and make writing future issues very difficult for me. VOMIT Index --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vomit 1...............................................................Intro Vomit 2.................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads" Vomit 3........................................................Masturbation Vomit 4..........................................................The Smurfs Vomit 5...........................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street Vomit 6........................................................John Is Dead Vomit 7...........................................................My Sheets Vomit 8........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom Vomit 9.........................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit Vomit 10...........................A Guide To Annoying People In Chat Rooms Vomit 11...........................................More of Biafra's Dribble Vomit 12....................................................Bryan's Day Off --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shotgun blues. Shotgun blues. VOMIT Information HTTP://www.gti.net/vomit Hate us? Dislike us? Indifferent? We wanna know! Write us! Warning: Abraxas is a trained Dextromethorphan and Dramamine abuser. Do not take these drugs unless you have the proper knowledge of dosages and ingredients. Don't be a loser like Abraxas. Don't take drugs. Write Abraxas(Bryan): eighties@gti.net Write Biafra: biafra@gti.net Attention ASCII artists: For the love of God, please send us a new ASCII of our name Wanna join vomit? Send something you've written to Abraxas.